Pregnancy Loss

Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.

It is best to avoid using stimulants during pregnancy. Amphetamines and dextroamphetamines are powerful drugs and when taken during pregnancy, they can cause miscarriage, early labor or birth defects. You may want to ask other women if they have had personal experience with this.


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Brokenhearted Twice


I am 36 years old and just delivered my second stillborn baby boy at 21 weeks. My first child, also a boy was delivered stillborn at 37 weeks in 2005 (cord accident). Words can't describe the hurt, frustration and sadness that accompany this experience.

In 2006 I delivered beautiful, healthy twin girls that are my "miracles". I can't understand why this has happened to me again. Even though I have my girls, I still grieve for my sons. I have been through numerous tests and am waiting for answers regarding this most recent loss. My Dr. says we may never know. My heart and prayers go out to all of you who have suffered losses. My husband and I would love to have another child but are scared to death to even try again at this point.


Carolyn






So many, so little hope

I don't know how I found myself here. It's been almost a year. I've found myself stumbling in darkness only to be delivered. But I can't come forward with answers to why this happens to us. To some of us it continues. And then, we are delivered, or re-delivered. Here's my story.

Throughout my twenties I had enumerable miscarriages. In all I have been pregnant 11 times. My ninth pregnancy surprised me when it ruptured my left fallopian tube. I had to have a Salpingectomy. That means they had to cut away the tube. I felt like half a woman and angry about being a "breeder". I was reduced to defaming the beauty of child bearing. They told me I had a 20% chance of ever procreating again. I almost believed them but in my heart I knew I was exceptionally fertile. Within 6 months I had another surprising miscarriage. That was baby 10. Almost a year later I conceived another baby. I made it through the first trimester and into the second. I was safe! I had a baby in my belly. I listened oh so hopefully with my home heart beat monitor, trying my hardest to squeeze into that belly with my ears and get closer to our little one. I loved my husband more than anything in the world and I couldn't have been more pleased that we were bringing our replica into the world.

At 21 weeks during an ultrasound they found abnormalities. Within seconds our smiles had faded and we were ushered into a grief counseling room where Trisomy 13 was explained to us. Next thing I know they ushered me back into the room to puncture my little girls world with a needle. This they said would prove their findings. And it did. Two weeks later or maybe less little Jayme died. I delivered her. I held her. I saw her little fingers and tiny toes. She had six of them. It was more than sad. It took my stomach, my heart, and my spirit out.

To write it now brings back that sobs of misunderstanding. She was gone. It took a month before my husband and I pulled back together romantically. It was awkward as we knew that that is what made our baby and I felt I was the cause of her chromosomal mismatch. I didn't want to be intimate. I just wanted normalcy back into our lives and the tears to abate. I wanted the suffering to end. I wanted to see him smile again. I wanted and didnít know how to fill any of those wants anymore. I had tests done on my blood and all returned saying I was a healthy woman with no chromosomal abnormalities. This brought some relief to my bruised mind. Part of me needed to know that I the mother did not hurt my baby.

Only two weeks later after a dizzy spell I discovered I was yet again with child. I was angry. What message was the cosmos sending me? How was I supposed to understand this? I didn't but I went onward. Now I am 36 weeks along in my pregnancy. The baby is here with us. But there arenít much of us left here in this house. Depression took its toll on our love and patience for one another. Well, I guess that is just my story. I can't tell you that my Christian God supplied me answers because I haven't discovered them yet. I can't tell you that he led us out of the darkness holding hands and blissful, because we didn't make it out with our love intact. But, this little girl in my belly will receive all that I have to give and if I have to dig deeper to give her more I'll go to the moon trying. God did help me to hold on to my hope. One fact remains steadfast. Without hope you cannot dream. Without a dream, you cannot live.


Shannon






My Angels

I have wanted to find a support group for a long time. I live in the middle of nowhere, so there is no such thing. I really hope this website helps me... I always feel like my three angels have been forgotten. And I have so much guilt because of it. I want to tell their story...

It was the Halloween before last when I got my big news. A positive pregnancy test. I remember I couldn't believe it. I cried. I have always been maternal... and though I was young, I was ready... I thought about nothing else. Names, nursery, eating well... I had already started buying baby clothes for the future long ago. Dr. visits grew happier and happier, and then came the worst day of my life. I was going to hear my baby's heartbeat. It was ten days till Christmas. And I'll never forget the words- "The baby didn't make it." I couldn't comprehend what she was saying. I hadn't even considered the thought that I could LOSE my baby! I was healthy!! But I had. She told me my baby's heart never developed and I could either let the baby "pass" or have a D&C. Then I was sent home to make my decision. And one of the hardest things I've ever had to do was walk out into that waiting room of expectant mothers and mothers with newborns... all smiling... with tears streaming down my face.

I have hated the Dr.'s office and hospitals since. I chose the D&C because I had no information of what "passing" would be like, but it sounded un-bearable. It was scheduled for the following Monday, and I spent the entire weekend searching for a second opinion. No Dr. was available. And the ER told me I was NOT experiencing an emergency. As far as I was concerned, there WAS no worse emergency!! So... Monday morning... I lay there knowing I was about to fall to sleep, thinking- "How could I let them take my baby away from me?" And just like that, I woke up and I was empty.... And I have been empty since. Christmas was horrible. It's amazing how quick everyone seems to forget that you just lost your child... How can they be so happy in front of you? Talk about other babies in front of you? I hated everyone. I quit praying. And I remember spending Christmas lying under my Christmas tree sobbing. I must have sobbed for a month straight.

Time went by and I was never happy again. I tried things to get my mind off of it... but felt guilty when my mind wasn't on it. I got a job at a pre-school, hoping I could give SOME of the love left in my chest away. The job just caused more heartache. These babies weren't MINE. Then came June. And baby #2. I was ecstatic again. But, I could never be as innocent as I was the first time. I almost expected this baby not to make it either. I tried extremely hard not to get my hopes up. I was praying again. I had forgiven God. And, I prayed constantly. And before I knew it, it was time to hear the heartbeat. I sat in the same room and waited for the bad news... But there it was... a tiny heartbeat. It was amazing. My baby made it! I would be a mother next February! Two weeks later, I started bleeding. The Dr. said it was nothing. I called and called. Finally he saw me. Told me I needed to calm down and that I don't need to come to the office EVERY time I feel something! Then came the pains. They were horrible. I went back to the Dr. anyway. It wasn't up to him. I was paying HIM!! This time he agreed, something was wrong... He said I would just have to wait it out. He sent me home. Another Friday. I was to stay in bed. I have never felt pain like this in my life. I thought labor itself couldn't be worse! I went to the ER, @ a different hospital. They were very helpful. I was, however, having a miscarriage. I'd heard my baby's heart that afternoon... but by night there was none. I had just lay there and let my baby die. Nobody did a thing. I lay in that bed. The most helpless I've ever felt. I looked from side to side @ my family. They couldn't help me. I was so mad. At everyone. I was in hell. I didn't wanna try anymore. I felt like I was a murderer, just trying over and over and my babies not making it. I wanted children more than anything I'd ever wanted, but I couldn't do it anymore. They told me it was too late for a D&C... and I had to "pass" my baby. It was horrifying. I felt like an animal.

And out of nowhere, I got pregnant, Feb. 2007. It was an accident, but I tried to be hopeful anyway. And make the best of it. Still, I did not expect a baby at the end of this pregnancy. I had gone to a specialist, and they had discovered my problem. "MTHFR"... and I'd need daily shots I was told. By then though I wasn't ready to try anyway. That was MONTHS before I'd gotten pregnant in February. I could tell I was just from my symptoms, but could never get a positive pregnancy test. And, then the bleeding came- and the horrible pain. And I found out about the pregnancy by losing the baby. I never got the chance to even make a Dr. visit. And immediately the baby began passing. I didn't get to tell all my family about the baby. It didn't get the same attention my first two got, and that bothers me everyday. I didn't get to know for ONE day that I WAS carrying them. It would have been due close to my birthday... that was just a week and a half ago. All three pregnancies would have been over now. I would be a mother... but I'm not.

Seems like there's an un-bearable anniversary around every corner. Halloween is next. The day this whole nightmare started. Last Halloween I sat alone and cried. I went to bed very early just to get the day over with. I'm doing better than before. I don't cry every day. But, it's only because I keep it out of my head. If it ever enters, my day is ruined. I have three little teddy bears... I bought for each baby when I lost them. They sit on the bed. They are all I have. And there is an emptiness inside me that I wonder if it will ever be filled. I don't know why this happened. I try to tell myself positive things. I try not to be disappointed in everyone who "moves on". I know they don't know what to say to me anyway. I write letters to my babies. And I talk to them when I pray. I feel I'm the only one who knew them. And in a lot of way, they're the only ones who KNOW me. They are everything I am. Everything I do. I'm not sure what I'd be living for today if not for them. What was I doing before?? What kind of silly things did I get upset about then? I've learned a lot because of my angels. They are my hardest memory. But by far my favorite. And I'm glad they were here for the time they were. They made me so happy and they showed me what life is really all about. I love you, Angels. :)


Beth






TERMINO EL SUEÑO DE 10 AÑOS

SOY MEXICANA, TENGO 35 AÑOS DE EDAD. DURANTE MÁS DE 10 AÑOS HABIA ESTADO BUSCANDO UN EMBARAZO, HICE HASTA LO INDECIBLE, HASA QUE POR ALGUNA RAZON LLEGUE A MEDICA FERTIL EN QUERETARO (MEXICO), AHI ME SOMETIERON A TRATAMIENTOS MUY SEVEROS HASTA QUE FINALMENTE ME SOMETÍ A UNA FERTILIZACION IN VITRO, DE LA CUAL LOGRE UN EMBARAZO QUE ALEGRO E ILUMINO MI VIDA Y LA DE MI ESPOSO. APARENTEMENTE TODO IBA MUY BIEN HASTA LA SEMANA 8, QUE INESPERADAMENTE ME VINO UNA HEMORRAGIA CON COAGULOS ENORMES Y PERDI A MI BEBE, TERMINO EL SUEÑO DE 10 AÑOS... AL DIA DE HOY YA HAN PASADO 4 SEMANAS DEL ABORTO ESPONTANEO Y AUN NO LOGRO RECUPERARME EMOCIONALMENTE. LA GENTE Y LA FAMILIA DE MI EPSOSO ME CULPAN DEL AOBRTO Y HASTA ME HAN LLEGADO A MALTRATAR FISICAMENTE. ME SIENTO TAN TRISTE QUE YA NO TENGO GANAS DE SEGUIR ADELANTE.

Sandra






Not alone

I have miscarried 3 times. All missed miscarriages. I read a story of a lady who also had 3 losses. To upset I did not write her, now I may have answers, at least for myself. Hope I can help someone else too. I have a blood disorder called methylenetetrahydrofolate reductose deficiency. Which cause, repeated pregnancy lows, blood clots, stroke, and heart probs. This increases your chance of preg. loss to 50%. Treatment is for life, aspirin and high dose folic acid. If anyone else out there has this or has had repeated preg. loss I would like to hear from you.

Stacy

stacy







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