Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.
I wish I could have met you. I wish I could have held you. I wish I could see you on your first day of kindergarten. I wish I could be there when you made your sweet 16. I wish I could share your first kiss and first heartbreak. I wish I could see you graduate and make your mark on the world. I just wish you were here.
My world collapsed on August 8, 2007 at 3pm when they could not find your heartbeat after protecting you in my womb for 12 weeks. I wish this were a dream and I could wake up and find you still beating within me.
Though I battle with an array of emotions and the tears sometimes just won't stop; I read something that helps me during this most confusing time. Job said he could not demand an answer from God as I have to admit I've done so many times these past days. He said whatever reason God allowed this to happen was too great and wondrous for him to understand, so he had to be at peace with acceptance and trust in God. My faith will not waiver, though my broken heart needs to mend. I will take solace in knowing that you are in His arms, although I wish you were in mine.
Do I Have to Bury Him?In the literal sense we must either bury or cremate our loved ones that pass, but do we have to bury their existence? When the ones we love pass on after several years upon this earth, we don’t hesitate making reference to them in our everyday lives. We mention their names, funny gestures, or that they may be turning over in their graves. “If mom were here, she would have done it this way,” “Uncle John is probably sending us the sunshine,” or “Grandpa had something to do with the Yankees winning.”
The age and circumstance of death has some impact on the way family and friends give bereaved families comfort and support. When our son was born still, the sympathy cards came from miles away and everyone wanted us to know that we were in their thoughts. The mail was a much lighter load after 2 months and some cards changed to “Thinking of You.” It was nice for a while, and then I had enough. Our son was gone, but I still wanted him here. I wanted his memory to live on. I wanted his name included in the cards and I wanted to hear his name. I didn’t want his life buried along with his body. I may cry seeing or hearing his name and that is OK in my book. I like to cry.
Friends and family will react in different ways and not all will be acceptable in our eyes. Keeping the lines of communication open will provide others with helpful information on how to offer comfort and they will most likely comply. Since our son passed in September, I emailed everyone in my address book not to send Christmas cards with pictures of their family members. Sure, some passed through that didn’t receive the note in time. I should have also asked them to read the card thoroughly before sending. We received a card saying, “May this be the joyous Christmas ever.” Hello there, do you not know what just happened? Fortunately it wasn’t someone near and dear and after I threw a few things I calmed down.
Thinking back, I only informed people of what I didn’t want and I never told them of what I did want. When you are in the early stages of grief, that’s the last thing you think about is what you want from them. I had just assumed they would know everything I wanted and do it to my liking. Now we all know that assuming anything is a big no-no. When some time passes, you will have a better understanding of what you will need from others.
If anything is said to you that just doesn’t make sense or even seems hurtful, most likely it wasn’t their intention. Early on, this can be difficult to stomach while your pain is at its worst. This takes me to another point of wearing different shoes. There are so many differences in people; the way we were brought up, our religion, our personalities and how we all deal with death. This subject can bring out the worst or best in our friends and family, you just don’t know until you get there.
I never wanted any of my friends to know the pain of losing a baby, because in my mind it’s the worst tragedy a parent can endure. So how can I make an assumption in the way they offer their support? One cannot possibly know how you feel if it hasn’t happened to them. I found this out the hard way, 3 years into my healing journey. Others don’t have to work through your grieving process and if they do, it’s a shorter time frame. It is even possible that after several years they still feel angry and cheated for you.
Another issue that will surface is living children being exposed to the fact that someone has died. When you loose a baby nothing else matters except your feelings and preserving the memory of your child. Do we want to force other parents of living children to begin their education on death at the time of our own child’s? Talking about the birds and the bees is one thing, but the subject of death is sometimes omitted altogether. This would be the choice of the parent to know when the time is right. Support groups are ideal to join because of this very reason. Almost always, siblings of deceased children are well aware of why their brother or sister isn’t with us. It gave me great comfort to hear a 9 year old talking about her angel brother and the love she had for him. Everything we said or did was accepted within the group because we shared a common bond.
Over time we need to look at all the positive ways our family and friends DID support us. The positive actions will outweigh the negative because people generally mean well. We just have to talk about our feelings and what will help us on our healing journey. My husband and I had to bury our sweet little baby, but we can keep his memory alive. Family and friends know that Tanner lives in our hearts and saying his name gives us tremendous comfort.
Peace, Love and Hugs from Above
ectopicSix months before my husband and I were married, we decided to start trying to get pregnant. We were married in April, and in June we found out we were pregnant. However, we were in trouble. I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy, and my doctor needed to remove my tube. I still have both both ovaries, and my left tube.
I have an 11-year-old son from a previous relationship. I have always wanted to have more children. I am very scared that it will be more difficult to get pregnant now. My husband is very loving and supportive, and I feel very lucky to have him. I can't help but feel as if I have cheated him somehow. My son was my first pregnancy, and only up until now. There are days that I still feel like I failed my child, myself and my family.
I feel like I might be pregnant again now, but lately I seem to feel like I always am. Your mind plays horrible tricks on you sometimes. My breasts are tender, my period wasn't normal. I have slight nausea.
so empty insideThis year on the 8th of June I did a pregnancy test and got a positive result. Immediately my fiancé didn't look to happy although our baby was planned, over that weekend I had slight bleeding but did more test and thought everything was fine when they were positive.
I decided that whatever happened I would cherish the life growing inside me and made an appointment to go to the docs on the 12th of June. When I told her about my bleeding and that I'd had a few cramps but it had stopped and I was feeling much better, I was given a due date for the 9th of Feb. 08. When I got out of the doctors surgery I was excited and when I told my fiancé the due date he seemed to be a bit happier.
On the 14th of June I was at work ad only me and my fiancé knew I was pregnant and for reasons I was afraid to tell parents etc so when at work that morning I had an awful pain I just had to grin and bear in, as the day went on my stomach felt as though it was going to pop. My boss eventually said I could go early and when my fiancé came to get me I was ready for passing out, he took me straight to a and e!!!
To cut a long story short I had to wait for a whole 3 days after this to go 4 an early scan only to be told my little angel was no longer there.
It's been a few months and still only me n my fiancé know what's gone on, I'm dying inside, I sometimes forget for a minute what's happened but then it hits me. I just keep thinking, "why me??" What did I ever do wrong? Sometimes I just wish I were dead.
I'm not a religious person but if there is a god I hope he's taking care of my dear angel Anya!! xxx
angry all the timeMy name is Chauntell and I just lost my baby. This feels strange writing to strangers, but I need to get it out. I'm married with a 7 and 2 year old (son and daughter). I found out I was pregnant in April of this year. It was unexpected at the time but I was very happy. I had wanted a 3rd child and thought that this would be a good a time as any.
I was a little nervous because my first child was born with a heart defect. I thought though that my daughter is perfect so I could get lucky again. I was WRONG! I went for a typical check-up at 18 weeks and found out that my precious baby had no heartbeat. I thought no that's not possible; check again. They tried 3 machines and came up with the same conclusion, my baby is dead.
It's been a week already and I'm still so very sad and so angry. As bad as it sounds it's hard to look at my 2 children sometimes because it just reminds me that I've lost this one. I would always think about who this baby would look like because my two children look so much alike.
I feel guilty all of the time. Sometimes I would get upset with my kids and think, "great all I need is another one". I didn't mean it of course but sometimes that's how I felt. Now I realize how much I wanted and now miss this baby.
I hurt because I can't even name this child that grew in my body for 4and a half months. I was gong to find out the sex of the baby tomorrow but my dreams are all dashed to hell!!! I'm so nervous and trying to talk to my husband about trying again but he doesn't want to. I know I need to heal first and it is so soon but I feel so empty.
Whoever reads, thanks for listening, I feel so alone.
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