Pregnancy Loss

Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.

It is best to avoid using stimulants during pregnancy. Amphetamines and dextroamphetamines are powerful drugs and when taken during pregnancy, they can cause miscarriage, early labor or birth defects. You may want to ask other women if they have had personal experience with this.


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Heartbroken


The first time I tried to conceive I did. I found out I was pregnant on May 26, 07. I was so happy and I told everyone. My boyfriend was so happy. On June 6th I started spotting so I went to the hospital the next day I found out every thing was OK and that I was having implantation bleeding.

I went for my first apt on June 8th and the doctor said every thing was fine my cervix was closed and there was no bleeding. He wanted me to do an ultrasound at 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat he said I had a blighted ovum but he wanted to do a follow up ultra sound at 8 weeks there was still no heart beat so I had to do D&C on 6/29. The worst part is that I could not fall asleep during the general anesthesia so I felt everything and heard every thing then I got to see the tiny fetus.

I am so unhappy, but my boyfriend is so supportive and we both want to try again right away. The doctor says I should try right away. The people I work with are supportive; at first I felt ashamed that I lost the baby but they are really supportive. My family all makes a joke of it but they are very supportive as well. My dad told my boyfriend it was his fault that his sperm was not strong enough; he laughed and said that he begged to differ - he got me pregnant in one shot.

My sisters both had miscarriages with their first pregnancy so they are very encouraging. My family is very supportive and they can't wait for the baby of the family to have a baby.

I just want to tell you that laughter helps; you might feel like crying but remember that God has a plan in store and he never gives you more than you can handle.

Gay






Our loss

I was 18 and pregnant. It wasn't planned but me and Paul (my boyfriend of 2 yrs) knew that we would keep him no matter what.

I booked my appointment to see my doctor; he told me my due date was 11th of July. The thought of being a mother filled me with pride! I was 8 weeks pregnant and I felt like the luckiest person alive!

Me and Paul had started to tell people and everyone was getting excited apart from one person. My best friend. Have an abortion Leah! Thatís all I can remember her repeating. She cried and cried and it seemed that our friendship wasn't as strong as I once thought.

I should have known things weren't ok as when I went in to our little town hospital they tried to find a heartbeat, (I was 11 weeks) she couldn't find the heartbeat and she looked really worried and said to me not to worry!!! It was too early to find a heartbeat she told me. I believed her.

The day of my 12-week scan. I was so nervous!! I hate hospitals but me and Paul sat there in the waiting room with other happy couples and I couldn't wait to see my little baby!!! As I walked in the lady was so nice to me, I saw the image on the screen I was so happy! The lady asked you sure your 12 weeks? I looked at the image of my baby, he was too small for 12 weeks but Iíve had no bleeding? All I remember hearing was you've had a miscarriage but your body hasn't realized it yet.

I walked out and it felt like everyone was looking at me. Me and Paul sat in the car to upset to phone anyone, I just texted them. I went home and I cried and hugged my tummy with my baby inside and I said Iíll look after you till your ready to go.

As for my best friend she came round the house me and Paul just moved into wanting to say all the right things but how? I couldn't believe anything because I fought against her to show how much I loved my baby and that I was determined not to have an abortion.

Iím 19 now and me and Paul are engaged and will be getting married when Iím 21. We have a two-bedroom house together. Iím now 5 weeks pregnant and feel blessed at my second chance of being a mother.

For ages I have wanted to put my story out here for other women to read and no matter what your story is I hope it helps in some way.

Leah






Tortured

It was a rocky relationship from the get go and it carried on for 2 and 1/2 years until I broke up with him. One night when I had too much to drink I called him up (still was in love with him) and he came over and that is the night I conceived. We began seeing each other again after that night and were trying to work things out. I had only been off birth control pills for one month and hadn't really been very careful in the past so I wasn't too worried about pregnancy.... until one day my chest felt like an elephant had made a chair out of them. They hurt so badly.... I still didn't pass it off as pregnancy. Then came the aversion to the smell of bacon...I nearly vomited if it was even in the house. My period was 20 days late. My boyfriend told me to take a test.

In my heart I knew I was pregnant, but my head was in denial. I took the test- Pregnant... I took a second-pregnant.... I freaked out. When I told my boyfriend he said everything would be fine.... not even days later he was basically telling me to abort it and making me feel like a horrible person. He wouldn't talk to me for weeks until I told his mom about the pregnancy and she made him go to the doctor with me for my first appt. He went and when he saw the heartbeat on the screen his demeanor changed (at least for the duration of the appt.). It was a strong heartbeat 145.

I changed everything. I started eating healthy and following my pregnancy books to the T. My boyfriend seemed uninterested and didn't ever talk about it. He was supporting me and moved in with me, but I knew he was scared out of his mind and didn't know what to do. Two days before my second appointment (I thought I was 11 weeks) I started lightly spotting. I lay down and took it easy until my appt. When I went in the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat on the Doppler so she did an ultrasound. She left the room for a few minutes. My boyfriend's mom was with us and I asked her what was on the screen. She smiled and said it looks like a baby. I turned the screen around and smiled at how my baby had grown since the first appointment.

The doctor came back in the room and told me that my pregnancy was no longer viable and that now we needed to discuss removal methods. Just like that my world came crashing down. I went to the bathroom and sobbed and then left the hospital and went home. I stayed in bed for 2 full days and didn't eat or drink anything. My boyfriend would call to check on me, but continued with his everyday life. I was so alone. So empty. And the worst part? The baby was still inside of me. The baby's heartbeat stopped at 9 weeks and I didn't miscarry the baby until a month later (1.5 weeks after I found out).

Living with the baby inside of me and knowing it wasn't alive was devastating. When I had the miscarriage it was the most pain I had ever felt. I called my doctor and she told me it was normal. The intense pain lasted 3 days and my doctor told me to come in. She told me she thought I had probably miscarried the baby already, but that she would check me anyways. When she checked my cervix she got a crazy look on her face and told her assistant to get her a specimen cup. Then all of the sudden I felt a huge pain and then a jolt that made me dizzy and feel like I was going to throw up. She told me that the reason I was in so much pain is that the sac got stuck at the opening of my cervix and she had to pull it out. My boyfriend saw the whole thing.

As soon as I got off the table I soaked the floor in blood. It was like a water faucet. I tried to keep my feelings to myself because I didn't want to burden anyone else with my problem, but the pain was so severe. My heart was broken. A month later I found out that my 2 best friends were pregnant and 2 weeks apart. I tried so hard to be happy, but inside I was insanely jealous and resentful which made me feel even worse. I thought I was a horrible person because I wasn't happy for them. I felt like "why would they do this when they knew what happened to me! Why couldn't they have waited longer? Why does my loss have to be rubbed in my face?" It hurt.

I went to most of the doctor appts. With one of my friends and put on a pretend happy face only to go to my car when she was gone and cry for a minute and then force my heart to turn to stone. A week ago one of my friends had her baby and I was there with her while she was in labor and waited in the waiting room with my other pregnant friend until she had the baby. My other pregnant friend went to hold the baby and freaked out and gave her back. She said she just didn't want to hold it. I held her for hours. It felt so natural and I wondered "Why can my friend have a baby when she is not maternal at all and my baby died when all I ever wanted was to be a mother?"

It eats away at me EVERYDAY and I want a baby so bad, but at the same time I'm terrified to even try again because I couldn't face the loss of another. I look so normal and controlled on the outside, but on the inside I am torn to pieces. No one understands how much that baby meant to me. They all try to act sorry and tell me I wasn't ready for a baby anyways and good thing that it happened early. I wasn't ready, but when I found out I was pregnant, I made myself ready. What do I do now? How do I fill this void?

I know I should wait to have a baby (I'm 22), but I don't know if I can suffer for too much longer. (Plus my boyfriend doesn't want kids for a long time and I don't want to have a child with someone who isn't as passionate about it as I am). I feel so tortured and empty.

Becca






mixed feelings

I posted my story about losing my baby at 22 weeks, in Nigeria when visiting my husband for the second time in the space of two months but I have not seen it. When I found out that I was pregnant I was over the moon, as I have a twelve year old and he loves babies and I thought finally heís going to have a baby brother.

Then as time went on I started to think maybe I should have waited before I got pregnant as I just got back with the my partner that I broke up with two years previous and it was not a trustful relationship. Then other negative thoughts started to take over, I started not to be happy that I was pregnant. I hated when people would offer me a seat on the train, I did not like to look at my stomach.

But when I was away and realized that something was wrong then to be told thereís nothing that they can do thatís when it hit me, I feel so, so guilty for the way I felt and the negative thoughts that I had. If I could go back in time I would. I donít feel that my husband was there for me or my family and I think thatís a punishment from god.

All I want know is a baby, for myself and my son but somehow I think god will not bless me just because I took for granted something that he blessed me with; something that I prayed for then received. I am 35 so time is against me; please somebody tell me that I will have another baby.

heaven






guilty and grieving

I am not sure how this is going to help anyone but I will share with you my story, which is pretty simple. I am in my late 30s and was excited to be pregnant with my first child. I prepared myself for pregnancy by getting my personal demons in order. Been alcohol free for two years, dealt with an eating disorder, and got a job so I could be in a good place.

Went and got CVS testing just to make sure. I have been through a lot of stuff in the last 8 years and just wanted to share my life with my husband and our baby. I didn't care what it was, boy or girl, as long as it was healthy. Had morning sickness, tired, gave up every known vice and still it wasn't enough. I got the results and my son was diagnosed with Downís syndrome two days before my birthday. The end of the first trimester was on my birthday.

It was the news I have been afraid of. My husband and I discussed options long before we tried to get pregnant; we decided if the child had chromosomal abnormalities we would terminate the pregnancy. NEVER in a million years would I ever believe that I would have to face this choice.

The scientist let me knew what to do, but after I saw my baby 's hand move and hiccup, the guilt I felt and the sorrow I felt knowing that my son would not have the life he deserved and I couldn't be the mother he needed that could handle children with special needs is devastating.

All my dream and hopes were heaped upon my unborn son. These dreams were dashed. I felt damned either way. My husband and I can't deal with this and we went through with our choice.

For those out there who think we took the easy was out, please refrain from judgment. I go to bed every night crying myself to sleep mourning my little one and wondering if I did the right thing. I know I did what I had to do but it doesn't make it any better. Maybe if I was a better person, I could handle this. But I know myself best, and knew I couldn't handle it and would make everyone and most importantly, my son, miserable for something that was not his choice or fault.

I donít see many posts on this particular subject, but we are out there. I wish I didn't have to make that choice.

I have nothing to offer but my truth and to say "it wasn't meant to be" or "you did the right thingĒ doesnít help. I feel even more isolated than the mother who miscarried. People don't judge you for that. People judge harshly of people like me, but I don't think I would of done anything differently, no matter how much it hurts.

marie







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