Pregnancy Loss

Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.

It is best to avoid using stimulants during pregnancy. Amphetamines and dextroamphetamines are powerful drugs and when taken during pregnancy, they can cause miscarriage, early labor or birth defects. You may want to ask other women if they have had personal experience with this.


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im praying


ive just found out im pregnant again im happy but also scared stiff, ive had 2 late miscarrages one at 5months and 1 at 6 months the drs say i have a incompinant cervix, so deep down i know its going to happen again is there anyone who has the same problem and has gone on to have a full time pregnancy or had the same experiece that can give me a little hope thx.

michelle anderson






sophmore year.

i dont know how to start this but lately i have been feeling very depressed. a few weeks ago i had a miscariage. being a sophmore in highschool im obviously not realy for a baby at all. i am on birthcontrol but i carelessly miss pills. when i found out i was pregnant my only option was abortion. i didnt tell my boyfriend because i was so afraid of how he would react and we were already fighting on an off. i remember taking three tests and lying on the bathroom floor crying because i was so confused. a few weeks later i got home and used the bathroom. i was spotting and there was brown discharge all over my underwear. i didnt know what to do so i waited a few days. i took another test and it was negative. i felt releived for a night but i grew so guilty. i had been taking ecstacy, smoking, and drinking. i knew i had killed my baby and that i was responsible for its death. when i was drunk a few weeks after, i told my boyfriend about the baby. he seemed happy but thoughtful and tried to comfort me. the next week i have been crying so much. being an artist my notebooks are filled with drawings and paintings of dead fetus's and terrible images of a girl with a hole in her stomach. i feel so alone. my boyfriend seems annoyed when i cry about it and tells me to be happy we didnt have to get an abortion. he tries to make me rationalize my feelings and stop the crying but i wish he could just hold me and let me cry. he has been so wonderful about everything that has happened to me in my life but i guess he just couldnt handle this. everyday i wake up and feel so responsible for my baby. i cry and everytime i see someone pregnant, or an maternity store. i freak out and cry. i know i should be greatful for my loss. but i feel like ive lost a part of myself as well. and i greive everyday.

alexandra






My Beautiful Little ANGELIQUE

Itís been 9 weeks since my night mare started, 8 weeks since I delivered.
It all started May 19 2009, I found out I was 3-4 weeks pregnant the most exited day of my life by the way. A week later on Tuesday May 26, I started sporting so I went to the doctor and they did a sonogram and everything look fine, it wasnít very convincing so I went to the ER on Tuesday night again and the ultrasound showed a sack. On Wednesday the sporting started again so I call the clinic around 4:00 pm they close at 5, so they told me they will inform the doctor, who I was seeing, so she said if it continues go to the ER specially if you start cramping like a period, thank God I didnít, so I made an appointment with them for Thursday at 11:00 am they said the doctor I was seeing is not taking any new OB patients, so I said ok the nurse said your going to see another doctor, after the sonogram.. So after the sonogram, they direct me to a patient room and the new doctor comes in and says to me youíre a difficult case and Iím like ok, he said Iím going to give you a methotextrate shot for you to have a miscarriage since we canít see anything in the uterus and at 7 weeks we should start to see something and he said this is not a normal pregnancy and I said so I said no to the shot since is against my religious believes, so he said well there is another option and I said what is it and he said the ectopic surgery, so I said surgery uhm I have to think about that too, and he said there is not too much to time to think since youíre risking your life ,so I said thatís my own choice so I went home to talk to my husband and we decided on the surgery, well he did the surgery May 28, and he didnít find anything on my fallopian tube so he came with this diagnose of saying that I probably had a miscarriage on Tuesday or Wednesday, in my mind I was thinking that is impossible since I didnít had heavy bleeding nor pain. Then after the surgery the instruction was to go on the following Monday June 1st to get my blood drawn to see if my hCG went down, so I figure everything was fine since they didnít called, Monday night nor Tuesday, so on Wednesday June 3rd the nurse calls says your hormones are going well they keep on going up and I said thatís impossible he said I had a miscarriage last week, so the nurse says your doctor need to see you immediately so I go to my 3:00 pm appointment and they do a sonogram there is a sack with the yolk, he still not convinced by it so I go to one of the patience rooms and he said weíre going to have to give you the methotextrate shot so I said no again and walked out, and when I walked out he said believe it or not your going to have a miscarriage within the next two weeks so I said well if is Godís will maybe but not because is you will. Thank God Iím I didnít allow the shot. So I change doctors, and I started to spot again so my new doctor ordered an ultrasound on June 12, 2009 I had my ultrasound and my and I got to see and hear the heartbeat I was happy and they discover I had a bloody cyst and thatís where the blood was coming from thank god nothing to worry about. And on June 15 2009, I had my first prenatal appointment with my new doctor and I got to see the baby again in a ultrasound and I got my little picture and she said were going with the babyís measurements for the due date not by your LMP so the due date was February 4th 2009, and I went home very happy and schedule my next appointment for July 6 2009. So everything was going fine, but on July 3 2009 I started bleeding again bright red a lot more then the last few times I called the emergency line and they said if you donítí cramp or start passing large blood clothes donít panic. So on Saturday the bleeding continued and I had to go to the ER for peace of mind, being a holiday the 4th of July I had to wait for an ultrasound all day so at around 6:00 pm I had the ultrasound and I got to see my beautiful baby dancing around very happy. So the next week I had my ob appointment on the 13 of July everything went fine she gave me an ultrasound since I had visited the ER the weekend before due to the bleeding, so they told the bleeding that I was having was due to the cyst and it finally made itís way out the weekend that I visited the ER thank good no more bleeding to worry about so got my other beautiful baby was fine and got a picture to take home and show my daddy. I was happy to go to my appointment. At 14 weeks and 4 days on Monday August 10, 2009 at my 8:40 am since I had not experience any more bleeding, nor other problems, I was convinced everything was fine, well was I wrong had appointment the doctor couldnít find the heart beat with the Doppler, I wasnít thinking anything was wrong since my last few appointments she couldnít find it either, so we always ended up at the ultrasound room every time, so we headed to the ultrasound room I was exited since I was going to get to see my little bundle of joy, so I was lying in the table and she move the screen where I would be able to see what was going on and she did the abdominal ultrasound and she made a face and started looking, and she said we have to do the vaginal ultrasound since you bag looks like is being liking, being my first pregnancy I didnít know what that mean, so she did the vaginal ultrasound and said yes, those horrible words that no mother wants to hear ďIím sorry, but there is not a heart beatĒ I looks like you baby died on Thursday, Friday or Saturday since is measuring between 14 weeks and 14 weeks and 2 days, and Iím like thatís impossible I never had any bleeding, I only had a mild back pain that everyone keep saying your body is expanding and is normal and I was thinking it was. So I immediately started crying and the doctor left the room so I could called my husband and my mom and told them the horrible news and no one could understand what happened since weíve never heard of a miss miscarriage, so the doctor came in to the room and told me to go home and she would schedule my hospital stay staring Wednesday since she was on call on Thursday, so I was like what are you talking about youíre telling me that I have to carry my dead baby anther 3 days before I can have my d & c and she said well that to see if nature takes itís course and you start miscarrying and if not you need to come to the hospital on Wednesday to start you delivery, I was like what delivery I canít deliver at 14 weeks and go thru the pain and live the hospital with my empty hands. I left the place crying all loud, I didnít wanted to go to the waiting area and see other pregnant women sitting there and here Iím crying because I just lost my baby, I got into my car and started crying and driving off, I was maybe 5 miles away from my doctors office when the nurse called me and said you need to come to the hospital on Wednesday at 5pm to the labor and delivery room I was like what I have to go do L & D where all the other expecting moms are I was like are you kidding me I have to go and see and hear people talking abut newborns. So I donít know how I manage to get home, but I made it. So all what I did that day and the next two, I was crying waiting for Wednesday at 5pm to get here, but at around 4:00pm the hospital called me and said come at 7pm instead of 5 so we did and we got there at 6:45 pm so we had to wait in the waiting room hearing people talking about a baby just being born or expecting the baby to arrive it was hell. So the nurse came and told me what they were going to do they were going to insert a pill on next to my cervix to soften it up every 4 hours, so Wednesday night came Thursday all day and nothing happened so Friday August 14 2009 morning at 6 I got my last dose, and the doctor came and told me what the next procedure was going to be to insert a suppository or start giving me a shot, luckily the process started 5 minutes after she left what seem like a river of blood started coming and all day just blood no pain at all and at around 6:35 on August 14th 2009 my beautiful Angelique arrive to this world and left my arms to be with God and my grandma. We didnít even know my baby arrived until I got up to go to the bathroom and there it was. We spend crying and holding our baby for 2 hours that seem like 2 seconds before they came go get it since we requested the testing. So the nurse came and took our baby at around 8:30pm, it felt terrible like someone was stabbing me and taking my heart away. Then an hour later the nurse came and gave me a memory box with pictures and mementos thatís all I had. So I when I was thinking everything was over no the placenta never came out so after all the pain emotional pain I had to have a D&C since the bleeding never stopped at 4:00am I was taken to the OR. So after I woke up it was Saturday morning and by 3:00pm I left the hospital with my empty hands and not pregnant anymore it was all over, and we got home and cried my self to sleep, not wanting to eat, talk or hear anyone talking, I just wanted to died so I could be with my baby. Then the days went by I just cried and cried. So waiting for my follow up appointment and the pathology results are in and they said nothing everything was perfect. And a week later on September 8th 2009 was the day I was suppose to have my ultrasound to know the sex of my baby I got a call from the doctors office after hours telling me It was a perfect little GIRL, I just wanted to died since, I always wanted one and when god gave it to me it gotten taken away. Since then I ordered my self a charm Bracelet with a girl and we decided to name our baby girl and her name is ANGELIQUE the perfect name for a perfect little angel that is waiting for me in heave. I will always love and never forget my little beautiful Angelique and I would not change anything for that little sonogram where I saw her dancing and heard her little tiny heart beating and her sonogram pictures are my most adore treasures. Itís been 8 weeks since I delivered her and it doesnít get easier, I think your heart and soul gets use to the aching. Iím writhing this because Iím having to go to the pain of wanting to feel pregnant knowing Iím not, and I donít know if I want to be because I feel like Iím kind of letting Angelique down when I was suppose to be pregnant with her and I donít know if I want to be pregnant on her due date. Iím sorry if my story is too long I just had to let it out and please listen to your body not to your doctor.
Our little and beautiful Angelique mom and dad will always love you. Thanks for making me a mommy my little angel in heave.

maria






It had feet and it's not fair.

I have irregular periods, so when I found out I was pregnant, everyone thought that I was already 6 weeks (based on my last period).

When I thought I was 10 weeks, I started bleeding and went to the E.R. That was Monday night. I got to see the baby and hear the heartbeat. The baby had a little head and little feet. I was so relieved.

The Dr. told me that I was actually only 6 or 7 weeks. He told me it was a threatened miscarriage and to stay in bed until the bleeding stopped and make an appointment with my regular doctor which I did on Tuesday, making an appointment for the following Tuesday (which was yesterday). That very night, I started bleeding much heavier and something very large came out of me. It looked like a giant blood clot.

I thought that it was a miscarriage, but then I looked it up online and called the doctor's office the next day. The internet and the nurse I talked to BOTH reassured me that a real miscarriage would be very painful and that I would see grey tissue, not a blood clot.

I was also reassured through both sources that pregnant women can bleed and have giant clots and still have a healthy pregnancy. I didn't have any pain at all aside from very mild cramps. Everyone said that a real miscarriage would hurt really badly. The nurse told me I would have actual contractions. I didn't see any grey tissue.

So, I believed that I could not have possibly had a miscarriage. I made myself stop worrying so much. I let myself be confident and I really believed that everything would be okay. I went to the doctor yesterday fully expecting to hear the heartbeat again and to have the doctor explain to me some of the reasons why I might be bleeding.

Also, the bleeding had stopped after about 7 days (the day before the doctor's appointment) and I was just so sure that everything was okay because I hadn't had any pain.

I wasn't even very nervous by then. I just knew it was okay. So, I was completely caught off guard when the doctor showed me the screen and it was as plain as day that my uterus was completely empty. The doctor said that that giant blood clot was the baby.

She said that every woman/miscarriage is different and that that nurse should not have told me that. It was the nurse more than the internet that reassured me. She said it wasn't possible for me to miscarry without real severe pain, but I did. I believed her because she was a professional and I thought I could rest easy.

So, now, I'm dealing with it. Sometimes, I just cry over silly things like the fact that my boobs don't hurt anymore or that things I eat aren't helping the baby now. I think of how happy we were when we found out and how long it took us, how long we were trying, how much we wanted it.

Sometimes, I'm just dazed like I can't focus and feel disconnected.

Sometimes, I just cry that it's not fair. I know that life isn't fair and right now that seems like a really good reason to cry. I really wanted this baby. I heard the heartbeat on Monday. I saw it's head and it's little feet.

Then Tuesday night it was dead and I went on believing that it was okay for a whole week. We thought up a good name for a girl the Saturday after it was already dead and gone. It's not fair. I wanted this so very badly.

Then, I calm down. It's been a real roller coaster. Sometimes I feel calm and reasonable. I know it hurts, but I can cope. I remind myself that it could have been worse. It could have hurt the way it was supposed to, the way it does for most women. I didn't have physical pain, so I kind of got out of it easier than most women do. I also think of how much worse it would have been if it had been 3 months from now. I remind myself that it wasn't my fault and that I will have another baby.

Sometimes, I just focus on that, on getting pregnant again as soon as possible. And I realize just how special my 5 year old son is. I wonder what it was that let him live and this one die and I realize that I am so lucky to have him. If this had been my first pregnancy, it would have been worse. I just keep telling myself that it could have been worse.

And then I forget all that logic and I start sobbing because it just isn't fair and I really wanted this baby and I don't care about any of that other stuff that I just said. I'm just so mad that I was pregnant and now I'm just not. I was so happy. And now, I'm not.

So, yeah. It goes back and forth. It's up and down. I think I'll be okay. I'm sure I'll be okay. People go through this and they end up being okay and I'm sure I will be fine. I just have to give it some time.

Once the hormone is out of my system, maybe I won't be so up and down. And then I can start trying to get pregnant again. It will be okay.

Johnna






Strength and Love in Sad Times

Me and my partner lost our little girl on Sunday 27th Sept 09. This has been the most devastating experience ever. My partner was over the moon that we were going to have a baby and I was nervous about the labour but excited over all. Feeling the kicks, watching what I eat and buying bigger clothes made me smile. I looked at my growing belly everyday. The dark line down my stomach. My partner loved touching my belly and talking to the baby. He would have been a great dad!! No doubt about it! But for some reason God saw it fit to take our baby from us so prematurely at just gone 21 weeks. How could he let me and my partner feel all the emotions and experiences of pregnancy for us to not even look after her for the rest of her life? Why can people out there who do undescribable things to their kids have kids? We are seriously in need of a justifiable answer which we know we will never get.

One good thing to have come from our sorrow is that we recognised the love and support that we have around us and how it has changed the mentalities of so many people.

It is sad to know that until we feel the time is right to have another go, we will be parents but have no child to care for, to love and to look after. Everyone keeps saying that we are young (23yrs old) so we have plenty of time, but when you experience something like this, life seems to do what it wants and time runs away from you...and it has only been a week!!!

Another good thing is that me and my partners relationship seems to be even stronger. Stronger than it has ever been. In most cases it seems as though the relatinships breakdown due to the stresses. Our relationship was rocky up to the day that we lost our little girl. But knowing that there is someone there (eachother) to care for us no matter what is comforting. I hope that all other couples can mantain and strengthen their bond as it is the most positive way to help get over the loss. The love from your family is not the same as the love from your partner, in my case anyway, and I dont know what I would do if we were not together which was very nearly the case.

Although we have no answers and have not even begun to fathom what we are going through, we have each other and we will not be going it alone. She will always be remembered x x x

Johnna







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