Pregnancy Loss

Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.

It is best to avoid using stimulants during pregnancy. Amphetamines and dextroamphetamines are powerful drugs and when taken during pregnancy, they can cause miscarriage, early labor or birth defects. You may want to ask other women if they have had personal experience with this.

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An angel in Heaven

So if you don't know. Our son Hunter Thomas Sexton was born and died January 15, 2008. He was born a still born. Even though he is gone and I don't know why I am a mother. I am his mother. I will and still do love him. He will always be my son. He was given to me and taken. Maybe God does have a reason. To me his reason still doesnt seem fair. Maybe he is someones guardian angel. Maybe yours. He is so beautiful. So precious. Looks just like his daddy. Identical. I knew he would. He would have been the best baby. He has beautiful brown hair and brown eyes. Big ole chubby cheeks and beautiful full lips. Hes not too fat. But he has the biggest feet for a baby. He is so perfect.

He was born at 6:52 a.m. He weighted 7 lbs 14 ounces. 19 inches long. Oh hes so perfect. I got to keep him in my room as long as I wanted. Justin and I said goodbye this morning around 8:30 am. But its not goodbye. Im not ready for that yet. They let me come home today and its the sadest thing Ive ever had to do. When we left...I had to go to the funeral home. And make arrangements.

Its going to be beautiful. Its going to be on Friday January 18 at 2 pm at the cemetary between clover and york. Hes going to buried in baby land. Hes going to have a beauitful white casket. We are having a viewing for just the family tomarrow. They don't know what happened yet. We did agree to have him get an autopsy. I want to know. I asked the doctors lots of questions. They said I wont be at high risk for miscarriages or anymore stillborn births. This was an accident. When and only if they can find out what happened they will let me know. He was born one day before his due date.

To all of you at there that think your having a rough life. You will never know the pain it feels to bury your child. You will never know the pain I feel to not have heard him cry when he came out. To never see his smile to never feel his heart beating or hear it again. Do I feel guilty? Yes. He was in my body. I should have protected him more. I know everyone says it wasnt me.but he wasnt in their body. It wasnt their responsibilty to protect him. I feel like its my fault. My beautiful baby boy counted on me. I failed. I begged him and begged him everytime I held him to wake up. For god to give me a miracle. Nobody will know the pain it feels to look at the ultrasound and not see his heart beating when just Friday I heard it.

They said he passed sometime Saturday. They dont know when. There was no saving him. He will ALWAYS be my son. He will ALWAYS be my world. No body will ever know the pain that Justin and I feel. Everyone has been great. But its the hardest thing to look where his crib once stood and it be so empty. I feel asleep holding him at the hospital. Thats the only time I felt close to be whole. Hes our baby. our beautiful baby. Some may look at him and not see that because his skin is peeling away. Those little imprefections are still him. He is still beautiful.

Justin is being so strong. I cant be that strong. Hes being so wonderful to me and helping me but hes keeping it all in. We deserved that little boy we would have taken great care of him. Gaston hospital was great to us. We got Hunter baptized after he was born. Almost the whole family was there. I really cant keep writing this hurts a lot but there were some that wanted to know how I was. If you want to come to the funeral that would be wonderful. Hunter would appreciate it so much. So would I. I will put pictures up soon of him. If you dont think you cant look please dont.

He doesnt look like normal babies all bright and pink. Hes looks different. But in my eyes hes still so beautiful. So beautiful. Hes got a tiny bruise on his cheek from coming out. And hes kinda pale and red. But I am proud of my son. I am proud of how beautiful he is so I will put up pictures. You dont have to look. I dont care. I want to thank everyone for everything. You guys have been great. Im sorry Im not very talkative and not talking. Im not ignoring you its too hard right now. I havent come to terms with it yet.


Miscarriage at 20 weeks

I recently lost my baby boy at 20 weeks. My water broke and I had to deliver him naturally just this last Monday. This was our second pregnancy. I lost the first pregnancy back in May, 2007, after only 6 weeks.

I was seeing a high risk pregnancy specialist and was to have a cerclage on Tuesday. I went into premature labor and lost the baby before I could have the surgery. We just found out that it was going to be a boy.

I don't know when I will be able to try again to get pregnant, but I do know that I want a healthy baby.

Michelle Kayser

It Happened Again

Reading all of your stories makes tears come to my eyes. It is good to know that I am not alone, but most of the time it really feels that I am.

I got pregnant unexpectedly in Dec. 2006. Since my husband and I were about to move into our first house, it seemed absolutely perfect. The second home test that came up faintly positive was on Christmas Eve. I had it confirmed by a blood test in the lab at the doctor's office. No one but the lab tech saw me on that visit.

They scheduled my first office visit for 12 weeks. My husband and I would look at the online site to see our baby's development each week. I named this child, Sean Erin. During the sixth week, I got up one morning and after sitting at the computer, went to the bathroom to find blood, just a few drops but it panicked me. I called the doctor's office and got their after hrs voicemail. My husband and I prepared to go to work as usual, trying to assure ourselves that nothing was wrong. A secretary called me back and when I described the bleeding she said,"Oh, I had bleeding with my pregnancy too and everything was fine. You're going to be alright."

At the time it comforted me, but those words have rung in my brain for months afterward with their falseness. It most certainly was not fine. It was a very busy time at my husband's work, so for whatever reason, he said he couldn't go with me to the appt. He called his mother to go w/me. She told me that she too had bleeding during her first preg and look at my sister-in-law now.. I wasn't in pain, yet, so I went to work.

My mother-in-law picked me up there about 3 hrs later for the appt. The bleeding was getting heavier every hour, like a period. They sent me for an ultrasound at another office with strangers who see this all the time, so are dead eyed zombies with no caring. When they did the scan, sticking a huge dildo like thing up inside me, the insensitive creep of a woman doctor said, "There's nothing there," I said "What do you mean nothing? I had a test, I was pregnant. "

She explained that the misc had probably started a few days ago, but at 6 weeks, there should be a sac visible and there wasn't. I said, "What's that then,?," about a sphere visible inside me on the screen. She said it's probably a cyst and that they'd take some pics. Upon hearing this later, my husband asked, "Well then are you sure you really were pregnant? Maybe your period was just really late."

When I called my doc's office later, they wouldn't let me speak to my doctor in person. A recep actually claimed she didn't know how to transfer a call. Then why do they let you use the phone? Her nurse came on and I demanded to know if my life was in danger from an ectopic preg. She said, "probably not." I asked to speak to the doc again and was told she was w/another patient. Then, when I said, "Does that person have the potential of dying from an ectopic? Get her on the phone!" I could actually hear the doc's voice in the background as her lackey told me to come in for a blood test to find out. She told me not to use tampons to stop the flow of blood, but offered no advice on how to stop the pain.

Come in I did for about 4 weeks in a row, after work or during work each time to have my arm stuck so many times it got bruised (and I'm a volunteer blood donor and have never bruised like that!) My hcg evels were steadily decreasing, but they said they had to follow it down to zero. I did all the blood tests as requested, but I never went for a follow up appt, "what was the point? " However, a month or so later when I had to go to the same doc for a sinus infection, she never even asked me how I was doing! Probably a good thing too because if she'd brought it up, I would've let her have it for not taking my call!

It was a very difficult time. My husband and I argued bitterly for various things that had happened during the course of the short lived pregnancy. We went to two counselors for a duration of 4 months. The first one seemed to only want to focus on my husband's attention deficit disorder. The second one suggested we get a divorce. That's when we quit going there.

I got pregnant again in July 2007. We'd had unprotected sex following the death of my husband's close friend as I tried to comfort him. This time, although I didn't want to say the name out loud for fear it would be relegated to the baby names never used file, we both were in agreement that this baby should be named for his friend. After a couple more faint home tests, my husband came with me to a doc's office while we were on vaca to have it confirmed. I wanted him to hear them say that I was indeed pregnant. They did a urine test this time and it was positive. The male med. asst recommended a pregancy day by day book to me when I expressed my concerns about another loss.

I was fearful. I ate well, didn't smoke or drink alcohol, reduced my caffeine intake and tried not to be paranoid. About the only thing I did continue to do that those wretched books and websites say is bad (although they never seem to mention skydiving, stock car racing, rock climbing, etc.) is ride my horse. It's like wtf people? It gives me joy and this is my normal exercise that I've done consistently since I was 5 yo and it's only the first trimester. I'd already decided that I wouldn't stop doing that. I do know women who have ridden horses all through their pregnancies and it was fine.

I didn't want to tell anyone this time, as last time we'd told the family and I hated having to tell them when it ended. My mother ended up finding out I was pregnant again. At the time, my older sister was five months pregnant and calling me up several times a week to tell me "The doctors remarked on how active my baby is," a somewhat delicately abridged version of all the gory details I knew she wanted to gush. Meanwhile, as before, I had few symptoms. Sure I needed to pee all the time and I had to eat more frequently, but I had no morning sickness and my breasts hurt less than the first time.

I switched to a new primary care physician and also an ob/gyn practice several people had recommended. The sixth week came and I made it past the # of days at which the last one had ended. That gave me some reassurance that it would be ok this time, but I still wasn't very confident. I had a dentist appt and told them not to do any xrays. They asked why and I had to tell them I was preg, even though I really didn't want to. The hygienist, who I went to hs w/, said ,"You must be so excited." In a fit of honesty, I said, "Not really, you see I lost one already this yr and am afraid it will happen again." She was really cool about it.

When the bleeding started, I called the new specialist and said, "I'm having a misc, I know it, it's happened before." I had my husband go in and get a sterile container. I'd read in a women's 'zine that in modern times, women shouldn't have to suffer repeat misc's because they can find out what's wrong if you bring them a sample of the discarded tissue. Well I did. I told them I wanted to know what was wrong. A much more compassionate nurse sat me down and frankly told me that they can indeed run a bunch of tests, but very often, those will tell what isn't wrong, but not what is. I said fine, I understand, run them and we'll see.

I also told my husband that if all they told me was the sample was the "products of conception" which I could already tell in my bathroom, I was done with doctors. Wouldn't you know it, on the day I took time out of my busy schedule to go for the follow up appt, that's exactly what they told me. It was a terrible thunderstorm outside that afternoon and I fancied that my anger was driving the storm to knock out power in the office. "Is that all?" I said. "Is that all you can tell from that sample?" The doc stammered and said, "Well, we could have run a chromosome test as well, but that's normally not done unless it's a case of repeat miscarriages." Funny, isn't 2 in one year a repeat?

I told them I had another sample I'd taken still at home in the fridge. I wanted them to run that for the chromo test. The doc said ok at first, but then went and checked with the sales guy from the test co! who just happened to be delivering in the office that day and he said the sample was too old. They ran some different blood tests and a swab for bacteria inside me that all came back negative. One nurse in the office within a few secs of bringing me from the waiting room, proposed that when I get pregnant again (as if I even felt like it then) they could give me some pregnancy hormone to "stick in my vagina."

I don't know folks, but considering that at this point, she's only just met me and didn't even know if that would help my particular ailment, I found it mighty rude that someone should telll me where to stick it. I refused further treatment from this practice as well. I got the prerequisite round of follow up hcg blood tests from my new pcp's office. They were nice to me. They said how sorry they were that this had happened to me again and left it at that. It's an all ages general practice, so I wasn't surrounded by a bunch of big bellies of women with healthy pregnancies which made me feel better going there.

There are about 6 more tests I can have run and a sonohysterogram to find out if there's something in my uterus preventing the preg from making it longer than 6 weeks. I asked about the ultrasound that had shown a cyst, but no one seems to be able to tell anything from that. I am still trying to get my medical records transferred. I'll probably complete these tests in time because there's no point to trying again if there's something that's going to cause it to fail and me to go crazy again.

I do pretty well when I can do the things I like to do..spend time with my husband and his music, go to hockey games, care for all of my pets: horses, dog and cats. When I'm confronted with baby showers, christenings, my friend and sister's new babies, etc. I am very uncomfortable and it sends me into a funk for hours or days. Just this week, after making it through the yr anniv. of my 1st misc successfullly, I got the news of my sister's baby's christening date being announced and I came all apart again.

I thank you for letting me post my story, as it helps just to get it off my chest. I also posted it to help other women be more proactive in their own health care and treatment. It's so true that you have to be very specific about the tests you want done and taking charge of your own medical history. In many practices, it seems that you are just another face in a busy day and not a happy, glowing, excited one at that, so therefore not worthy of thorough care. Meanwhile, I am just going to try to get through my next dentist appt when they look at my file that says I should be 7 months pregnant, look at me and say....nothing I hope.

Michelle Kayser

My Miscarriages

when i was 16 i got pregnant. i'd always wanted a baby, so when i missed my period i was really excited, i bought a pregnancy test, and waited the 3 minutes like it said and the 2 positive lines came up, but they were very faint, so i bought 2 more tests... the same thing.

i told my mum and dad i was pregnant, actually i told a few people, 5 days later i started bleeding, i went to the hospital and had a scan, the baby was dead, i was only a couple of weeks so i made myself get over it and said i'd try for another one.

6 months later, i missed another period, am 17 now, living with my boyfriend still, i buy a test, positive, am excited again but i don't want to tell everyone, this time i was going to wait 3 months like you're supposed to, so i did everything you're meant to, quit smoking, quit drinking, ate all the right foods and got plenty of rest.

Then one day i was babysitting a 3 year old, this was when i was about 7-8 weeks gone. I was laying down on my back when she ran over to me and tripped and fell straight onto my belly. A pain went straight through my whole body. I went to the toilet to see if there was any blood, but there wasn't, i sat down and tried to calm down, then told myself i was gunna be ok.

when i was ten weeks i did the thing i was dreadin the most. i told my dad i was pregnant. he reacted the opposite of how i thought he would. the first time i was pregnant he didn't talk to me at all. but he was being really nice this time, this made me even more excited about the baby. dad was telling me how we was gunna decorate the babys room, bein only 17, my familys support meant alot to me.

4 days before my 12 week scan i went to the toilet and notices a tiny blood clot... my heart stopped... my world stopped... i phoned my mum to take me to the hospital, when i got there i waited ages and finally i was seen, it was late at night and nobody was there to do a scan so they said i would have to go back for that, but while i was there they took blood and did some swabs that came back ok, they looked inside and said the neck of my womb was still closed so it looks hopefull that the baby is ok.

i went home feeling much better. in the morning there was no more blood but i couldnt wait 3 days for my scan not knowing if my baby was ok, so i called the hospital and begged them to move my scan closer, they moved it to the next day. the next day, 9am, i was at the hospital, they called me and my boyfriend in, i layed down, pulled my top up, and she put the gel on my belly, she looked concerned as she looked at the screen but i was praying it was just a look of concentration, then she told me the baby was a bit small...

i was thinkin ok, i can eat more of maybe they can give me something to help it grow, i still had hope in me... then she said it... them words i was dreading... there's no heartbeat... i didnt cry... i just took it all in, she showed me the screen, pointed out the baby then printed me a picture. she said she couldnt see properly and i needed to empty my bladder so i went to the toilet, i cried when i was in there, i felt stupid for thinkin it might be alright, stupid for gettin my hopes up and stupid for takin £2.50 for my scan picture when i don't even have a baby. i wiped my eyes and went back into the room.

she checked and said my womb looks fine, she told me to wait outside and i'd be seen.. she sent me to sit in a room full of pregnant women with their big bellies waiting for their scans... i didn't stick around, i went home, they had given me some papers already and said it was fine for me to go and that i could just wait and let the baby come out naturally, so i did.

the next mornin i was woken up by bad pains, cramp like pains, i thought nothing of it and tried to go back to sleep, but they carried on, and started getting stronger and stronger, then they started getting closer together, they would feel likie someone was squeezing my insides... it felt kind of like a electric current going through my belly, i couldnt breathe while it was doing it, then it would release and i'd feel fine, while you're not feeling the pain you forget how painful it actually is... indescribeable. my dad was tellin me it was normal but i knew it wasnt, i wanted some fresh air so my dad took me for a drive...

whilst we was driving a felt something gush out of me, it was blood, it was pourin, everytime i coughed or move i would feel it coming out. my dad started driving me to the hopspital, the pain was making me tense my belly, but that was making more blood come out, i was scared. when i got to the hospital my boyfriend got me a wheel chair, i just wanted my mum, bless my dad, he didn't know what to do, i know it was hard for him to see me in that much pain and not be able to do anything about it.

anyway, the nurses took me upstairs and was trying to ask me quiestions but i was in so much pain i kept nearly passing out, i was boilin up, i had to take my clothes off i was so hot, they took me to the toilet and sat me on this potty type thing because they wanted to see how much i was bleeding, they left me in the toilet on my own, i felt sick and dizzy from the pain and blood loss, i pressed the help button on the wall about 20 times, finally a nurse came back, she helped me back into the wheelchair, i couldnt believe they wasn't doing anything to help me, i thought i was gunna die.

eventually one of the nurses said 'we could get her gas and air' then another nurse said 'oh yeah, i'll go get it' they said it like they didn't care, maybe that was what i was thinkin because i was in so much pain, i don't know. they took me into a room, my dad came in with me and told me they needed to take the baby ok so i would stop bleeding and the pain would go because the baby was stuck in my cervix so my body was using the blood to flush it out but it wasn't working and thats why i was in so much pain.

i breathed as muchy gas and air as i could, i could feel what they was doing, but it was like it didn't make any sense, i started laughin, blame the gas and air. finally my mum turned up and they gave me medicine, they told me to sleep and they'd come check how i was, but i just wanted to go home, they said i could.

that was nearly 2 years ago and it still affects me, but i don't cry about it, i've never really cried about it, i find it easier to block it out. that's probably why my head is messed up now. i don't know how to deal with it so i don't....


Loss and Happiness

I went to the doctor when I was 16 weeks and he couldn't find the heartbeat. He did a sonogram and then told me that the fetus had died. I just sat there staring at him thinking "Do you even know how to work that machine?" I wanted to scream and cry. I didn't understand. This was my second pregnancy, everything had gone so perfectly the first time I didn't understand.

I had gone to the appointment by myself so i had to drive home, crying and calling my husband, mother and best friend. I didn't even know what to say. I walked in and my son, 2 at the time, said, "Mommy Why are you crying? It's okay, I love you!" I just broke down. I didn't know what to say or do.

I laid on the couch and just cried. 3 days later I had a D&C. It was such a strange event. Several days later, I was downing Margaritas, like they were water and got so sick. I just really didn't know how to process it all.

A good friend of mine gave me the following advice when I told her. She said, "It sucks! I don't know what else to tell you. You are going to move past it and recover and try again. But for the moment, it sucks!" I realized that she was right, it was okay to grieve but that things do happen for a reason. Trust me, you don't want to hear that at the time, but hearing "It sucks", really made me laugh.

Well, it has been almost 6 months and I am pregnant again! I am 5 weeks. So, of course, all those feelings of "What if it happens again?" are circling in my head. But I realize that if it is meant to be this time, it will happen and if not well, it will suck!

I really hope that everything goes well.

Jen Montgomery

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