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Twins

I graduated from nursing school this past May of 07, passed my boards in July and next on the list was to begin a family. I got pregnant immediately and could not contain my excitement. I would have rented a billboard to make my announcement even though I was very early in the first trimester. I called my doctor to make an appointment, however, they don't schedule until 10 weeks into the pregnancy. That was fine. I could live with that. I was definitely nervous about miscarrying as it is very common, but as my pregnancy progressed, I was feeling the typical pregnancy symptoms and confident that everything would be o.k.

My appointment day arrives and I'm given an ultrasound. The nurse practitioner points out two very visible sacs on the screen. TWINS!! My husband and I were smiling so hard, our faces hurt. I was then told to wait about 30 minutes for another ultrasound. A vaginal ultrasound. I wanted to run out to the parking lot and call all my family members to tell them we were having twins while I was waiting, but I controlled myself.

I'm called in for the internal ultrasound and told there was no heartbeat in both babies. One died at 7 weeks and the other died at 8 weeks. I ended up with a d&c the following day. We went from extreme happiness to extreme sadness within 45 minutes. I feel completely responsible even though I took very good care of myself. The guilt is overwhelming and I'm completely heartbroken and devastated. I'll never get over this and I cannot stop crying. When I see a pregnant woman or someone with a child I want to scream. I'm so afraid I won't get pregnant again and this was my only chance. I'm 38 and worried that my age also caused the fetal deaths. Thank you so much for reading this. It feels really good to get it out. It's temporary relief, but it gives me some freedom from the pain in my heart.


Jeanne

My baby loved pineapple

I was amazed when I discovered I was pregnant. At 41 and without even trying it had suddenly happened out of the blue. I bought five different pregnancy tests and tested myself every day for a week because I just couldn't believe it! My husband and I were both elated.

Not long after, I discovered I had a large subserosal fibroid- so I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks to check it wasn't in the way of the baby. And there it was the little flashing heartbeat! - The fibroid well out of the way and everything else was normal. I was so excited! I truly believed that I had been blessed, that somehow this baby was meant to be, and that nothing would go wrong.....

But then, on Wednesday, November 21, 2007 I lost my baby. I was 3 months pregnant. I
Started spotting the Sunday before and went for an U/S which showed a "non-viable fetus"...and then I lost it on
Wednesday after 5 hours labor.

I am not coping very well at all. Matters are made worse by the fact that my husband
Jason chose to leave on Monday morning to go away on business. Personally I think
That was just an excuse. I think it’s because he just
Couldn’t and can't cope with me and my grief.

I didn't want to tell anyone about the baby till I got
through the first trimester. Now I realize what a mistake
that was. Telling everyone would've legitimated my
baby's existence, made it real. Jason thinks I should
just get over it. His view, quote- unquote: "Well, I
hadn't hung my hat on it. We both knew things could go
wrong. Anyway, it was probably a retard, so better to
get rid of it now rather than have to deal with it later." And as far as he's
concerned, that’s the end of the story.

I spent 7 hours in the waiting room at Nambour
hospital last Saturday waiting for the scan. When I started
spotting on the Friday I knew something was way
wrong because the pregnancy symptoms had started to
fade a few days before. The scan revealed an
undersized fetus and no heartbeat. They told me I
could go back to the waiting room and they would
organize a D & C or go home and see my doc on Monday.
I chose the latter. My heart was breaking and I had to
get out of there.

All Jason could talk about when we left the hospital was how
hungry he was and how he wanted to go out for Thai for
dinner. So that's where we ended up. I sat there mute
& stunned and watched him eat his meal plus mine,
feeling like I just wanted to go out and lie on the
road in the rain and let the traffic drive over me.

I saw my doc on Monday and she said how sorry she was
and gave me my options. Have a D&C or wait for the
miscarriage. As sick as it may sound, I couldn't bear
the thought of having my baby ripped out of me like
that so I chose to wait. And I couldn't bear for it to be gone. I would rather have it there with me dead than not at all. My doctor said the miscarriage
would be like a bad period. Painful and lots of
bleeding. no way did she prepare me for what was to
come....

So, here I was sitting alone in the house, devastated and waiting for
the miscarriage which would shatter my world completely. I went to work Wednesday
and things started to happen. The pain started along
with the bleeding and I started having contractions. I
went home and it got worse. And worse. In the end I
was having contractions every 20 seconds- and the pain
was off the rictor scale. My sister arrived when i was
on the floor in a ball screaming. She rang the
hospital, and they said to get me there, but i
couldn't move far less walk.

Long story short, I had the miscarriage in the
hospital car park. I actually birthed the whole intact
gestational sac, full of fluid and the baby, followed
by lots of bleeding. I was terrified the hospital
would take it off me, so we drove home, and when we
got here, I did an autopsy on the sac with Jason’s
filleting knife- nothing else would cut it. I was
desperate to find the baby. Somehow i needed to
legitimate that what I'd been thru for the past 3
months was real.

We found the baby when the fluid ran out. It was too
small for its age. A poor little inch long fetus with
just the buds of arms and legs. And two black eyes and
its mouth open....It was horrifying, gratifying,
disturbing and calming all at once. I was shocked and
yet relieved. I couldn't take my eyes off it. But it
convinced me that it wasn't my fault. It was intact,
everything was there, it had just died and stopped
growing.

I bought a beautiful green glazed ceramic pot earlier
in the week, and I planted a beautiful red rose bush
in it and surrounded it with red and white flowers. In
my mind I had already planned to find the baby when
the miscarriage happened and bury it there. So that’s
what I did. I couldn't bear to cut the umbilical cord,
so I cut off a piece of the placenta- the bit attached
to the cord, and then I cut some pink toweling cloth
and I wrapped up the baby in it and buried it in the
pot, and covered the grave with crystals and a giant
white hibiscus flower I found growing in the garden. I
felt my heart break as I kissed its little forehead
goodbye before I wrapped it up and buried it...

Oh, this has been the hardest week of my life! I
have never felt so alone and so empty and desolate! I
loved this baby so much- it was my future, my purpose
and had become my reason for living by the time I lost it. It was the answer to the "now what?" question I'd been asking myself since I turned 40. It was
all I thought about and it governed all I did. And I
tried so hard to do everything right!

I feel so lost and so alone and so ripped off. And I
hate my callous, heartless husband.

My life seems truly pointless now, and I no longer know who my husband is. I cannot forgive him for abandoning me like this when I need him so much. In fact, I can't even bear to speak to him at the moment. He has hurt me too much.

In all honesty, I would be happy to leave this world now and go and be with my baby- if not united in body, then in spirit.

My baby loved pineapple. And oranges and he hated
eggs. He liked going to bed VERY early and loved breakfast
best. And yoga made him sparkle, and nature and
peace....

RIP my darling xox




Gina

Sad and Jealous

I was eleven weeks pregnant...2 days short of being 12 weeks. I was very excited about reaching the point where miscarriage was to be less of a worry. That past weekend, I had finally shared the news of my pregnancy with my aunts and cousins. On the following Monday, I was at work and about to pick my class up from lunch. I felt really crampy and got scared. I went to the bathroom and saw a lot of blood. I could hardly contain my tears in my classroom. I stuck out the day and then called my ob/gyn.

The next day, Tuesday, I went in for an ultrasound. The nurse was really quiet. I decided to look at the screen myself. I couldn't see anything but a very small circle. She asked me," Are you sure you are 11 weeks along?" I said yes. Then, she told me that the images did not support that assertion.

Later on that night, I woke up in excruciating pain. I went to the bathroom and lost my baby. At the ER, the ER doctor was VERY rude to me. He said that he didn't see anything viable in my uterus and had a frown on his face like I was wasting his time. Thank God my parents and my husband were there. Otherwise, I think I would have REALLY gotten depressed over his lack of care.

I had a D&C on that Thursday. It has been really hard for me to deal with this. This was my first pregnancy and my coworkers and my husband tell me to be positive, but it is hard many days. I feel so sad some days when I am with my third graders and feel ashamed of myself because I failed at maintaining my pregnancy. The most shameful feeling I have, though, is extreme jealousy of celebrities like Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, Christina Aguilera, Nicole Ritchie, etc. Halle Berry is due about a month before my child would have been born. When I watch her on TV, I find myself crying and angry that she was allowed to keep hers. I have blamed myself more than I could ever admit to anyone. Through it all, though, I keep asking God to help me get rid of the anger inside. I try to hope for positive outcomes for these celebrities and hope that one day I can get pregnant again and that He will allow me to carry that one to term.

Toni

Confused

When my husband and I first found out I was pregnant we were surprised but very happy. I had only been off the pill for a month when we found out. Of course we told all our freinds and family and my sister who was pregnant herself. Though our happiness was short lived. A week later I started bleeding. I went to the doctor and went through what felt like a million blood tests only to find out that I had miscarried. The hardest part was telling my family. My mother was the only one who truly knew what was going on because she herself had been through a miscarriage. After our grieving we tried again. I immediately got pregnant again, but this one was just as short lived. I am now again pregnant and approaching the time I miscarried the first two and I am so scared. Is is natural to tell myself not to get attached just incase? I am trying to stay positive and keep my hopes alive for the life inside of me that will hopefully grow big and strong.

Erin

Sad

18 weeks pregnant. One day I started to feel a bit crampy, so I relaxed the whole day. The next morning I started to bleed...very light. I called my Dr to let him know. He said to monitor the bleeding, if in an hour the bleeding fills a pad or becomes heavier then I would have to come in. In two hours, my cramps got worse and the bleeding began to get heavier. I went in and I decided to have the miscarriage naturally. My d&c was placed the next day after the miscarriage. I'm so upset and feel alone. Trying again makes me scared. Me and my boyfriend are trying to pull through.

jaime