Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.
2 miscarriages in a year
I know I am not the only one who has experienced pregnancy loss, but I just feel so alone and broken. I am a 33-year-old newlywed who wants nothing but to start a family. I was so scared when I found out I was pregnant after my first miscarriage, but at that the same time I thought God would not do this to me again. I started bleeding a few days after I took a home pregnancy test. I talked to my doctor and they told me my hCG level was at 50 and that I needed to repeat the test to make sure the number doubled. It didn't and I was so angry. A part of me feels like I am being punished for something I have done. I have a friend who had 2 miscarriages and then later gave birth to 2 pretty little girls so I know I am not doomed to be childless. I just want to know why this has happened and what I need to do to have a healthy child. If pregnancy and childbirth is such a natural thing, why is it so hard for some women?
My loss t 6.4 weeksAfter many years of suffering from not getting pregnant, finally it happened on my 3rd cycle IUI, second with injectables. On the morning of my 6-week u/s the fetus was there and fine. That same day I started bleeding not much, called Dr. she advised to go the next day to check and to get bed rest. The next day went for u/s same thing except lots of blood around the placenta. She sent me home to bed rest.
Same day around noon I felt this flow of blood down my legs went to the bathroom, wiped myself and something gooey like was on the tissue the size of half a finger (sorry for being so explicit but it was how it happened). Went to ER they took the tissue for analysis and said the report wouldn't be ready for days. They did an u/s saw a shadow around lots of blood and called it a sac. Then sent me home to wait for appt with my dr. In 5 days and surprise no baby, no sac and HCG 130.
SurprisedWhere to begin? Well my husband and I had planned a perfect pregnancy and it was going great, I had gone to every appointment and had my first blood work done, we were so excited and an ultrasound had been planned and I so happy to be having a baby that was planned like it should be.
The day before we were to go get the results from the blood test something horrible happened, I started bleeding badly and the pain was incredible, I couldn't even walk. I went by ambulance to the hospital and they told me the pregnancy had been terminated so they sent me for an ultrasound. So we waited for an hour for the ultrasound to take place when it came to that time we were hopeful everything was fine and by the looks of the ultrasound to us it all looked fine we didn't know, then the radiologist came in and reviewed the ultrasound and it was worse than we had ever thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy and the pregnancy had to be terminated, I was 10 weeks and it was life threatening now for the doctors fear my fallopian tube might rupture.
My husband comforted me as I cried a few minutes later I was in emergency with two iv's in both arms and they were preparing me for surgery, my husband and I were terrified, it would be two hours before the operating room would be open so they sent us to a nice private room to wait until the surgery. The two hours seemed like forever then the time came I was put in a gown and was rolled into the operating room where I was put to sleep and two hours later woke in my hospital bed where my husband sat beside me I was happy to see him and for the ordeal to be over and to go back home and try for another baby.
My little angel's storyI was 22 when I found out I was pregnant. I was happier than i've ever been in my whole life. I had such an easy pregnancy, not even a little morning sickness...until I was 18 weeks.
I was 18 weeks pregnant when I lost my son...I remember every detail of that day like it was happening before my eyes...It was Sunday morning 3/18/07 and I was doing laundry, I felt like this really uncomfortable pressure which was weird but it didnít concern me until about half hour later when it kept coming and going. It wasnít painful it was just uncomfortable and I told myself if it kept happening I was going to call my doctor...so I finished up the laundry and went home. I immediately went to lie down cause it just didnít feel right. About 5 minutes later I decided to go to the bathroom...when I did I felt so much pressure and it felt like something was coming out...It felt like a bulge of something and when I looked down there was blood everywhere, it was so much I thought I would pass out.
I screamed for my boyfriend to help me and when he ran in I told him I was bleeding and I couldnít stand up cause I felt like the baby was just going to fall out. I was shaking and we both cried until the ambulance came to get me. I got to the hospital around 4 and they told me because I wasnít 20 weeks I had to wait downstairs until they can take me...so now I am sitting in the ER triage room and Iím bleeding and I'm still having this pressure (which come to find out later that they were mild contractions) and they just left me there for 4 hours before I was seen by a doctor. When the doctor came in she told me that it could be that my placenta was just low and that could be monitored.
She did an ultrasound with a really shitty u/s machine that had no sound and she told me that the baby wasnít moving...my heart dropped...she said that the baby could just be sleeping and she couldnít check the heartbeat with that machine so I had to wait for the tech to come...which was about 45 min later. The tech did an ultrasound and when I saw my babyís heartbeat I just wanted to melt...my baby was alive but the tech didnít look too reassuring. When the doctor came in her exact words were "the ultrasound is very concerning, it looks to us that you might be going into premature labor...your baby still has a heartbeat so thatís good, we can take you upstairs and try to stop it but if youíre 6 centimeters dilated like the u/s shows...Iím afraid there's nothing we can do..." I just stared into space for about a minute and I just lost it...I was going to lose my baby and everyone was just going to stand there and do nothing. So they brought me upstairs and checked my cervix and they said they could feel the sack where my babyís feet were, he had already started to come down. They told me that I was 6 cent dilated and with a full term baby I wouldíve had to be 10 but because I was 18 wks I could probably deliver him at 7-8.
They said I had 3 choices, I could either induce labor and get it over with...I could just let what was happening happen and see where it goes...or they could tilt me back to take pressure off my cervix and give me meds to stop labor. They told me that the chances of that working were slim to none because I was already 6 cent and he was already trying to come out and even if it did work I would have to stay that way for 6-7 more weeks for my baby to have a fighting chance. I closed my eyes and prayed...and I thought about my little babyís heartbeat and decided that if he was still fighting for life then I would fight too...I thought there was no way in the world I could deliver my baby knowing he wouldnít survive without knowing that I did everything I could to stop it. And so it was...they tilted my bed back with my feet above my head and started meds...needless to say it didnít work, contractions kept coming stronger and faster and longer. They gave me so much morphine I threw up...and I was literally screaming in pain.
I had to push but I refused. So the pain got worse. I would not let myself deliver him I knew the outcome...so I held it in. Hours went by and I still felt like I had to push and eventually the contractions itself were pushing the baby down on its own. I had to push and I couldnít stop it. The doctors came in and the world was blurry from there...about 30 minutes later at 3:15am on Monday 3/19/07 my little angel was born into heaven. When I pushed him out I looked over at my boyfriend who just had his head down crying and I told him it was over.
I looked down and I saw his little hand curled in a fist and his tiny head with no hair on it. I looked at the doctor and asked her if he was gone and she said yes and I asked her what it was and she said a boy with tears in her eyes. I just cried. The doctor came in but honestly I donít remember what he said...the world was blank after that. I stayed in that room for an hour just listening to other moms pushing babies out and hearing them cry...I really just wanted to die. The next morning was hell. My family came to support me but I was a wreck. I didnít know if I wanted to see my baby because I was afraid what to expect.
The nurse explained that he looked like a little baby...no different. I decided we wanted to baptize him and that was when we all saw him. They rolled him in and I felt like someone stabbed my heart out. He was perfect, so beautiful and small. I couldnít take my eyes off of him but I could barely see through all the tears. Everyone was crying even the nurse and when the priest was done they took him away...along with my whole heart. I went home later that day with a little box with his little hand and feet prints, his hat and blanket, the shell they baptized him with, a few poems, and some pictures.
My life just hasnít been the same. I found out I had an incompetent cervix and I spent the next few weeks blaming myself. I was supposed to protect him and I couldnít...my body rejected him. I think about my son everyday and wonder why this happened to him...my little angel took my heart with him to heaven. I miss him so much but sometimes people dismiss my feelings with the impression that it doesnít hurt that bad because I didnít get to know him...but I did...he grew within me for almost 5 months, I know him better than anyone could know him. People will say he did not live because he was gone when he was born...but he did live...for 18 weeks inside me. People will say that it will get better...but it wonít...Iíll just learn to live with it. People will say I could have other kids...my baby was not replaceable. People will say it was Godís will...saying this will only make me want to kill myself. People will say that I will be a mom ONE DAY...but I AM A MOM...and I just need people to realize that.
Ricardo A.Baez, Jr. ~ March 19, 2007
0 pounds, 7.25 ounces
Mommy loves you always baby boy
My Precious Little AngelI never expected to be pregnant so young, I was getting ready to go to college and become a lawyer, I am only eighteen years old. I became pregnant the first time that I had intercourse with my boyfriend. It was a complete shock to me. I started having funny feelings and sensations in my stomach the first week of my pregnancy, even though I didn't know for sure that I was pregnant yet. I hadn't taken a pregnancy test but I knew that I was feeling something. I was in denial of my pregnancy because I was so young. I started having some light bleeding and thought that my period was coming so I quickly dismissed the idea of pregnancy. Sure enough, my period didn't come. I decided to take a pregnancy test with my boyfriend waiting for me in my living room. I waited one excruciating minute for the results and it came out: Positive!
I was scared about my future, my family, and my baby. I knew that this baby that I was holding inside of me was my responsibility. When I told my boyfriend, he was scared too and we both just held each other and cried. I quickly fell in love with this baby and I knew that my baby was a boy. When I was six weeks pregnant, I had to go to my doctorsí office on an emergency visit because I was spotting bright red, the doctor told me that my baby was fine and healthy and I had nothing to worry about. About two weeks later, I had pelvic pains and was spotting yet again, so I went back to my doctorsí office and they kept reassuring me that everything was fine. I had several pelvic exams and blood tests that tested for everything, but everything kept coming up fine.
I had a prenatal appointment on week twelve of my pregnancy, I saw my baby on the ultrasound screen for the third time, this time, and it looked like a baby instead of a jellybean. I felt so emotional because I loved my baby so much and to just see it on screen made me feel even more love. It was hard for the doctor to measure the heartbeat of the baby because the baby was moving around too much. The baby even showed us its little tooshie on the screen. I was so happy and proud. My boyfriend and I decided to get married in order to provide a better life for our child. We were so happy and I would wake up every morning and ask my baby what it wanted for breakfast and I would always talk to it.
About a week later, I had a dream that I was in the bathroom and my baby came out, I screamed and cried and just held my baby in my hands. I woke up crying and tried to dismiss my nightmare as pregnancy nightmares that I had read about. A week later, I started feeling severe pelvic pains and I told my mom about the pains, but she said that they might just be normal. I have never been pregnant before, so I didn't know what to think. A whitish, mucus filled discharge was coming out of me so I called my doctor at about 11 o'clock p.m. The doctor told me that everything was fine and that my pains were normal and everyone feels that way. The next morning when I woke up, I was eating breakfast, but my pains got stronger.
About ten minutes after waking up, my water broke. I couldn't believe it, I was hysterical, and I screamed and cried and yelled. My sister got scared and called my husband to get home from work and he rushed home. Five minutes later, we were on our way to the hospital. On our way there, I called the doctor and instead of telling me to go to the nearest hospital, he instructed me to go to one forty-five minutes away! During the whole car ride I was crying and screaming, not because of the unbearable pain, but because I wanted my baby to be fine and alright. It didn't take long for the nurses to put me inside of an emergency room suite, but it did take the doctor a long time to come in. I had requested an ultrasound exam before my pelvic exam and they said they would give me one but they didn't.
The nurses were trying to listen to the baby's heartbeat but they couldn't, that's why I had requested an ultrasound machine before the pelvic exam because I knew that the baby moved around a lot. About forty-five minutes later, the doctor came in and told me that he was only going to do a pelvic exam on me, he asked the nurse to get something that looked a lot like big scissors, the next thing I knew, he was pulling my baby out and he told me "You're having a miscarriage." I yelled at him and asked him why didn't he tell me, I was so hysterical the whole time, I was screaming and crying and moving around. The nurses had to inject me with something that soothed the pain and put me to sleep, but I was so emotional that I refused to go to sleep. My husband was standing next to me and saw the doctor pull the baby out and he too cried hysterically.
I asked the doctor what my baby was and he told me that it was a boy. I had known it the whole time; I knew my beautiful angel was a boy. At that moment, I didn't want to be in this world anymore if my baby wasn't with me so I wanted God to take me with him and my baby. I got to hold my baby, his name is Brian Andrew Orlando, and he was a really big baby for a fifteen-week-old baby. I held him in my arms, talked to him, and told him that I loved him so much. It was so hard for me to accept that he was gone; the doctors kept telling me that God needed another Angel in Heaven with him. The rest of the time at the hospital was unbearable, I wanted my baby back and pleaded with God to give him back, my parents came to visit me at the hospital and I tried to be strong, but as soon as my dad said that he was sorry, I cried. Later, I found out that I had bacterial vaginosis. I couldn't believe it! After more than six pelvic exams, blood tests, and pain, the doctors didn't detect anything and told me that I was fine! After all of the symptoms that I knew weren't normal that I was experiencing and the doctor telling me that I was fine! I was furious! If the doctors had detected the infection earlier in one of my many pelvic exams, they could have given me medication on my 12th week prenatal check up which was the last time that I saw my baby alive and everything would have been fine.
I was so enraged that I thought that I was literally going to go crazy. It is really hard for me to trust doctors now due to my experience with all of the doctors who attended me. A week and one day later, a funeral was held for my baby. My husband and I go visit Brian every Sunday and talk to him and just tell him how much we love him. We also tell him that we will be with him one day soon. I don't understand why things happen in life, I don't understand why I am a good person who loves her baby so much and lost her precious gift, while other women abuse their children and they keep on having children. I have learned to accept the passing of my little child and he has changed me. I always try to show model behavior that I know that Brian would be happy and proud of. I know that one day I will be with my Angel someday and we will play together and love each other forever. I a wait the day when God will bless me with children again, but I decided that I will prepare myself for the future in order to provide a better life for my future children.
My baby will always be mine, as well as I will always be his. I will live my life for him and wait the day for God to take me to him. God always has a plan for everything and even if you can't understand why things happen now, God knows what he is doing and he'll always bless you. I thank God for Brian, my Angel everyday, he has changed my life in a miraculous way and the world has truly become a more beautiful place because he was in this world for a few short weeks and made me see the true beauty of life, love, and God.
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