Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.
I apologize in advance for the drama here. I hate drama, I have no tolerance for drama queens, BUT-- I really feel a need to talk about some recent events, and this seems like an appropriate place to do this...
It is amazing how something can appear in your life completely unexpected-- and maybe even a little bit un-welcomed at first-- surprising everyone involved-- but then somehow manages to become the most impactful, life-changing event. And then itís gone, leaving as quickly and surprisingly as how it came.
Patrick and I had the biggest surprise of our lives, when I took a pregnancy test late on the night of 7/31, after flying home from our mini-vacation earlier that night. We were in Chicago visiting friends, and I was extremely tired throughout the trip and "late". But I am 43, I have a shaky fertility history, and I have clearly accepted a life with no children. I did some fertility treatments during my marriage to my ex-husband, but (except for 1 very early miscarriage when I was in my 30's) it never happened. We knew it wasn't the ex's fault, he checked out OK and he already had a son anyway.
So, since I was late, and I knew that if I went to the DR, they would just ask if I was pregnant anyway, I figured I'd take the test just to rule that out. Didn't happen. 2 lines came up right away. We were stunned. Shocked. In denial for the first 5 days or so. How did this happen?
Because I went through a miscarriage in the past, we decided to keep this under our hats for as long as possible. Besides immediate family, no one else was told. Had to tell my Mom, because I was gaining weight, not drinking, and not touching up the gray roots in my hair. Before she just figured I was becoming a fat gray bore, I decided to clue her in. She was thrilled and my stepfather was thrilled. I kept warning everyone, "it's very early, and we still have to get through a lot of hurdles". Even if I got through the risk of early pregnancy loss, we still needed to consult a genetic counselor regarding the increased risk for Down's. I tried so hard to prepare myself for "anything".
As Patrick and I settled into the idea of being pregnant, we had many conversations about what it all meant. He's so amazing to talk to about things like this, he really thinks an entire concept out from start to finish, and is able to convey his thoughts so detailed and accurately. It's a trait I wish I had sometimes. Anyway, having a baby coming into our lives forced us to look at why we are here, and we realized that having what we have--- our wonderful life, family, friends, "things" to pass on, material and non-material, such as thoughts and memories --- these things all become richer and more valuable when you know there is somewhere for them to go after we are gone. It enriches life now.
I felt good except for being really tired. I felt focused and directed. And mostly, I felt excited that I was carrying a little fetus that was part him and part me (we nicknamed it "the blob", after seeing the first sono). We started having the conversations about boy/girl, hair color/eye color---white like him or dark like me. And then on Friday, 8/17, we had our first sono, and we saw a teeny tiny flutter of a heartbeat. We could not believe that we were looking at our future kid's little heart up there on the screen.
The sonographer asked about dates---according to my last period, I should've been close to 9 weeks, but I measured closer to 6 weeks. I always ovulated late and had irregular cycles, so it wasn't a major concern at this time, and the sonographer said that we could've just conceived a little later than we thought-- that made sense, so we were not too concerned. And we had a DR's appointment Tuesday, anyway, so we'd get more info at that time.
The DR's appointment never came--not under these circumstances, anyway. Monday morning, 8/20, right as I was heading into a work meeting at 9 am, I made one last pit stop at the ladies room, and noticed some very, very slight spotting. No cramps. I knew I couldn't panic- lots of women spot in their first trimester, and things still go well. I proceeded to lead my meeting with my team, and checked from time to time on my situation. It did not seem bad. On my way home, I called Patrick, and that's when it hit me and I started crying. He told me to call the DR at once. The DR's office sent me for some blood work, and scheduled me for another sono Tuesday morning. I was still so hopeful Monday night-- me, the one who was so quick to warn people that we were "not out of the woods yet", and that anything could happen. I researched anything and everything Monday night. Yes, many women spot early on, and still have a healthy pregnancy. Maybe that will be me, too.
No, it was not going to be me too. We went for the sono Tuesday morning, and the little flickering heart could not be found this time. The little fetus was there, but there was no activity, and it hadn't grown since Friday. All we wanted to see was the little flicker, the little blob moving around in there, but it seemed to have died sometime between Friday and Tuesday. At the DR's office, all the "congrats" turned into "I'm sorry", and Patrick and I are left trying to figure out why and how. We didn't ask for this, as our life together has been wonderful prior to 7/31/07, and we completely accepted our childless life together. We would not know this sadness of not having this child, if the freak accident of getting pregnant never happened.
Had the D&C yesterday morning, and I'm home from work a couple of days, just trying to figure out how to move on from all this. It was only 3 weeks time that we even knew we were pregnant, and it has changed our lives' forever. In one way, we want to try again at some point. But I know my odds (I'm 43), and honestly, I am terrified to put myself through this again. What I learned this time is that no amount of preparing for bad news can actually prepare you for bad news. There is a bond there that happens immediately, and I felt it. I know that Patrick is torn too, for the same reasons. He's been amazing, and has taken such good care of me. I love him so much, and I am sad for his pain as well as my own.
I have only a few bizarre mementos from this whole experience: the positive pregnancy test, the sono pics from Friday, a bunch of appointment cards for DR's appointments that never happened. Not sure what to do with them. I read somewhere that I could bury them in the back yard, but that sounds a little crazy to me.
I thought writing about it might help. I guess on some level it is cathartic, but it's also incredibly depressing too. My boyfriend is sad. My parents are sad. I know it will get better. I am strong and have faced adversity in many forms throughout my life. I just don't think I've ever been this...sad...before. But I know the hormones will dissipate from my blood stream and I will feel a little more "normal" every day. But part of me has a hard time letting go. After only 3 weeks... in some ways, it seems like a lifetime. And for our small little flickering blob, it was a lifetime.
Can't stop hurtingI miss my two wonderful babies so much it hurts. I found out that I was pregnant with my first baby when I was 19. I was so excited, I was finally going to have a baby of my own, it was the one thing Iíve wanted all my life. I told my husband and we started to plan for the new baby. When I was 6 weeks along I started to spot, but everyone that I asked said it was normal, not to worry. I bled for 3 weeks, and knew that something just wasn't right, so on Christmas Eve my husband and I went to the hospital, where they ended up doing a sonogram. That night is when the doctor told us that our baby had no heartbeat, it had been dead inside my body for three weeks!! I was devastated, and just could not speak. The doctor said that the baby would just pass on it's own, and the very next day, on Christmas I passed what would have been my precious baby. It was about the size of a quarter. As the months went on, I started thinking less about what happened, and I was able to let go, and put it behind me.
About five years later my marriage fell apart, and I was engaged to a new man. When I was 26, I found out that I was pregnant for a second time. That was December 2004, and I was happy, but on the other hand very scared because of the loss of my first child. So my second pregnancy was a piece of cake, no bleeding, and no complications. I delivered my baby girl, Hannah on August 31, 2005. And she was perfect in every way. A very, very good little baby.
On January 19, 2007 I was missing my period and decided to take a pregnancy test, which was surprisingly positive, so I ran out to buy another, and it was negative so I just thought that I wasn't pregnant, especially when I started to bleed that night. I had bled for 2 weeks and couldn't figure out why I was still bleeding. But then on Feb. 11, I started having some very strange pains, kind of like gassy pains. But on one side, and the got more intense even as I tried to walk around. About 10 minutes later I felt very faint, like I was going to pass out at any second. It was very scary, and at that point everything seemed to go blank. I knew that I needed to get to a hospital quickly. So my fiancť and I took our daughter to her grandparentís house, with the assurance that we would be back to get her that night.
At the hospital, they drew my blood and asked me all sorts of questions. The doctor came in about an hour in a half later asking me about my periods, but I couldn't figure out why, because I thought surely I wasn't pregnant since I was spotting, and had been for the last two weeks. Well that is when she told me that my blood pregnancy test was positive. I was just in total shock, because I was expecting it to be my appendix or something like that. I could tell that Shawn (my fiancť) was happy, I could see it in his eyes, but I couldn't bring myself to be happy, because I just knew that something was very wrong. After they did an ultrasound on me, the doctor came back in and told me that I would be having emergency surgery, and that I would not be going home that night. I was so scared. And they had me in surgery within an hour of finding out that I was pregnant.
For some reason, this pregnancy loss hit me real hard. I just couldn't believe that they were going to just take my baby out of me like that!!! It was awful. The baby was growing perfectly, just in the wrong spot. It was an ectopic pregnancy, and the baby was growing in my tube. I found out after the surgery that my tube had ruptured and the baby was no longer alive, but it was still hard on me. They had to remove my left tube, so my chances of becoming pregnant again have decreased. I really would like to have one or two more someday. But I just can't bring myself to get over this loss. It has hurt me badly. It has been almost 7 months, and I still think about my baby all of the time. It hurts so much, because I would be getting ready to have the baby in just a few weeks. So, just how does a person get over something like this? I didn't hurt this bad with my first loss, but my heart just cries out for this last baby. I hope that maybe someday I can find the courage to move on, but for now, I just can't. God bless any and everyone who has ever experienced a loss of their child.
EmptyOn Thursday afternoon, one week ago today I took a pregnancy test and right away saw the 2 lines. I had known inside for at least two days that I was, I just knew. And even though the test confirmed what I had expected. I rushed out and handed the test to my boyfriend and by the look on my 7-year-old sonís face they knew I was stunned. Stunned, scared (could I do this again with a 7-year-old?), and elated!!!
Sunday, 3 days after finding out, I felt very strange. I no longer felt pregnant and I was getting dizzy. I really just felt off. Monday I went to Planned Parenthood to confirm the positive result, and hooray it was positive. Tuesday morning when I woke up I was spotting brown. By the afternoon I was cramping with a brighter colored blood. I went to the ER and the blood work came back that I was pregnant, however they could not see anything on the ultrasound.
The Dr. kept telling me not to worry and that he had seen this many times before. Wednesday I went to my OB and they drew more blood to compare the levels from the day before, they were worried that it was and ectopic pregnancy. By that evening I started to really hurt and then came a gush of blood as I sat on the toilet. I knew, I had known since Sunday, I had nothing special inside of me anymore. I knew it died on Sunday!
Today is Thursday and although the lab promised to get back to me last night with the stat blood work, they did not. They called me today well after I knew that what I had salvaged from the toilet was a baby that would never be. My levels had dropped she said which made it a non-viable pregnancy. I am continuing to bleed slightly and I am lost. Worried! Disappointed! Sad! I only really knew I was pregnant for 5 days; today it marks a week since I found out. I suppose however that at least this happened early on in the pregnancy?
My Little AngelI new from the start I was pregnant. It sounds silly but it was like something was telling me I was but I just didnít want to believe it at only 16. I was just finishing school to start college I didnít want anything to get in my way.
I noticed myself putting on a lot of weight and so did everyone else but I just told my self it was because I ate too much as I didnít want to believe I was pregnant. I felt tired and sick all the time and my boyfriend started to notice my mood swings and started to question why I didnít want him near me so I told him I thought I was pregnant. At first he thought I was messing around but I think deep down he knew I was. So we went to get a home testing kit and it came up positive. I knew by the look on his face that I was pregnant all I did was cry but after a few days thinking about what I was going to do. I knew in my heart I had to keep it and started to get use to the idea of becoming a mother and once my boyfriend seen I was ok with it he started to get use to it as well.
A few days after finding out what I was going to do I went to see my doctor to make sure everything was ok. He told me I was 14 weeks pregnant and made me an appointment for the hospital. I was so excited as it was the day of my 17th birthday and the day we were going to tell our families.
But then it happened the night before my scan. I started to get horrible pains in my stomach I just thought it was the curry I had ate before hand and went out to the garden for a bit of air. Then I felt real wet and my boyfriend told me there was blood all over me and I looked at the chair I had been sitting on and it was just covered in blood.
I started to cry, as I new there was something wrong so my boyfriend called the doctor. I was waiting for the doctor to tell me what was wrong when then I heard him say what I had most feared I had lost my baby. He then sent me to the hospital to be cleaned out. I hated the thought of this and I was really scared it made me worse when I could hear a women getting her babyís heart monitored and I knew I would never be able to hear my babyís heart beat.
For some reason I had a dream that night I had a baby girl and called her Mai. I believe this was a sign and ever since I believe I have a little girl and her name is Mia but she couldnít stay with me as god needed another angel and to me thatís what Mia is an angel.
To be honest I still find it hard but I know it will take time to get back to my old self. But I wouldnít have been able to get through it without my boyfriend as he is always there when I am feeling low and no matter how many children I will ever have they will never replace the one I lost.
My Little AngelI am writing to tell you my story I have a wonderful little girl, that is getting ready to turn 2 this month. Seven months ago on February 11,2007, I found out that I was pregnant with my 3rd child. (The first baby I lost due to miscarriage when I was 19). All I ever wanted my whole life was to have children of my own, so when I found out that I was pregnant with my little girl, Hannah at the age of 26, I was overjoyed, but a little worried because of my first miscarriage. But everything went perfect with my second pregnancy, and my daughter is a healthy little girl, considering I have diabetes.
I had done a pregnancy test on January 19,2007, and got a positive result, and I was happy and went to buy another to retest, just to be sure. So when I went to retest, that one was negative, and so I figured that I wasn't pregnant after all. So on Feb. 2007 I started to get awful pains on my right side that would not go away but just got worse. Then I started to feel dizzy, like I was going to pass out. We drove my daughter to her grandma's house thinking that we would be back to get her shortly, since I had decided to go to the emergency room just to be sure everything was fine. (By the way I had been spotting for 2 weeks).
When we got to the hospital they did blood work, only to find that I was indeed pregnant. But when they told my husband and I, we were both in shock. Shawn was happy, but I couldn't bring myself to be, because I felt that something was wrong. They did an ultrasound to make sure it wasn't ectopic, but soon found out it was, and that one of my tubes had ruptured very badly, and had to be removed via emergency surgery. They had me in surgery within an hour. It was very hard for me to face the fact that they were going to take my baby away from me like that. I never even had the chance to say goodbye, because it all happened so fast. I wanted so much to have my baby, to hold in my arms, and to cuddle with. And even though it has been 7 months, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. (I am an emotional person anyway).
I spent three days in the hospital recovering, and thinking about my baby, that I missed so-so much. You just don't know what it's like until you have to go through it. My husband seemed to get over it right away, and to this day, tells me just to stop thinking about it and move on. But I canít!! I think about my baby all the time, and this is very hard on me. A friend of mine is getting ready to have a baby in a couple of months, and it is very hard on me. But I am so happy for her. I would be getting ready to have my baby in just a few more weeks, and the closer it gets, the more it hurts. I just hope that one day I will be able to put this all behind me and move on. I am hoping that I will be able to have more children with just one tube left. My doctor doesn't think that I will have any problems getting pregnant again, which does bring me hope to the future, and so does reading other womanís success stories. Thanks for taking the time to read my story, and god bless each woman out there that have had experienced a pregnancy loss. Have hope for the future!!!
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