Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.
It was April 2, 2007 and I was on my way home from looking at a computer desk someone was selling online. After seeing it, I arranged to have my husband pick it up. I felt as though I could "check" that off my list of things to do before the baby arrived.
I called my husband and told him I liked it, and then headed home. My daughter was still at daycare and tired from the pregnancy, I was hoping to catch an hour’s nap before picking her up.
I went to the bathroom and discovered red blood on the toilet paper. I felt that awful sinking...no this can't be...feeling that I was all too familiar with. I've had 3 miscarriages in the past, prior to having my daughter. Was this another one? Was this why my back was aching?
I called my husband and he headed home. I called the doctor and they said to come in if I felt that I needed to be examined, but they didn't feel it was necessary because I was due to see a specialist during the week anyways. . I asked to go in because in my heart of hearts I knew things were not right.
My husband and I sat silently as the doctor moved the ultrasound wand about. The doctor did several measurements and she was silent as well. My husband said, "I don't see a heartbeat." I didn't see one either. There was the baby, almost fully formed with legs, arms, head, and spine. In the very center where there had previously been a flickering heartbeat...was nothing. The baby measured 10 weeks. I was 12 weeks along. The baby had died.
My doctor said she didn't expect to see that and thought she would be having me in to reassure me, rather than break this terrible news. She scheduled a D&C at a local hospital.
I had the D&C on Thursday, April 5, 2007 and I feel better health wise, but emotionally I feel lost and bitter.
I'm trying to stay focused on my daughter, and understand that many women do not even get the chance to parent once. I'm forever grateful she's in my life, but I am grieving what could have been. When I rocked my sweet daughter to sleep tonight, her two-year-old arms and legs hanging over the sides of the rocker, I longed for that little baby that was to be.
I miss the fulfillment I felt both physically and emotionally of carrying that little one, and I pray for healing.
miracle lostAfter six years of trying, we gave up. No adoptions, no talk of IVF. It just wasn't meant to be. We Really gave up.
After a week of missing my period, I was in denial; I got a positive pregnancy result. Still skeptical, the doctor confirmed it. Finally, my little miracle.
I had one pink dot in week six/seven. Then it got heavier. Then the cramps came. Hospital said it was a slim chance of surviving. No D&C, only pills for pain and they send me home.
I wasn't prepared for what would happen next. I expected to expel "clots". I did not. What I did expel I had to collect to bring to my doctor’s for examination.
I only wish doctors had told me what to expect from the expulsion.
My story of the loss of my angel FaithIt was December 12th 2006. She was holding my hand, two lines. The school nurse. Six weeks pregnant. I’m am sixteen years of age, and have never been remotely like my peers, my partner and I have a stable happy and loving relationship. We have been together for a year and a half, never the less, never did I think I would become pregnant, not at this point at least. It was unplanned. I remember tears bulging in my eyes, running from that little room, and grabbing onto a friend who had recently been through a termination, I bent my engagement ring on the run through the doors to where she was standing, and I have no idea who I passed, everything around me was a blur, I grabbed on to her almost dropping to the floor, “I’m pregnant.”
Telling the family was easy, and so was telling my partner, he has always been one of those people who you can tell almost anything, and although this was a big thing, I had told him I would have an abortion. From the minute I saw those lines, I knew I would book for he abortion, but I also knew within myself, it was something I would never go through with, I don’t believe in it, and I loved my baby. At the time telling people this is what I would do, was just because I didn’t know how they would react if they thought I wouldn’t have an abortion.
Only two days later I told my partner I couldn’t go through with it. At first he was shocked, we lay and spoke for hours, planning, dreaming, the thought of having this baby became our every thought and every joy. We were so very happy. Never the less, not every member of his family was as supportive to the idea, and sometimes my partner questioned what he would do. I recall one night when we walked for miles talking, crying, we didn’t know what world come of other relationships if we brought our child into the world, and after a sleepless night of worrying what his “wants” would be, he gave me the go ahead, and once again, my life was at its highest of points. I didn’t care what people thought, I never did and I never will, I loved that baby that was growing inside of me, and forever I will love that baby. I always thought she was a girl.
January 3rd 2007
My Partner and I were at a friend’s house, and I felt some sort of gush into my knickers. I thought nothing much of it at the time, and when we got back to his several hours later I made a trip to the toilet. There it was, the brown blood, only the smallest bit, but something inside of me clicked, this is NOT normal. I ran from the bathroom to where he was stood in the kitchen, I'm bleeding, take me to hospital. At first he didn’t understand, I shouted, “the baby, I’m bleeding.” My heart felt as though it was beating far to fast for my chest to contain it, I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, I was confused, but I knew what it meant, by this point, I was nine weeks and one day.
We arrived at our local “walk-in-centre” where the doctor told me I was undergoing a “threatened miscarriage.” My partner and I told her it was a much wanted pregnancy, and she sat and explained all that could go wrong, but that because it was brown, and only a little, it could be nothing, and to call the surgery the following day to get a date for my emergency appointment. For some reason my fear eased, I had every hope my baby would be okay, I have had enough bad luck for one lifetime, for one sixteen year old girl, god won’t do this to me. I was told to bed rest, and rest I did, in fact, I was afraid to go to the toilet as I was afraid I would push the baby out. Every time I did, I stared at the blood, it became red, and rapid, and heart breaking.
Wednesday January 4th
I called the surgery is desperation, ready to get my coat on and get out and get that scan, to see my little baby’s heart beating, how I so desperately just wanted too see. Sadly being young, you’re judged a lot, and the receptionist I spoke to who was aware of my situation spoke to me as though I was your typical common scum, six days she said, six days until my emergency scan, by which point I would be ten weeks and one day. In that period of time, I wrote more poems then I ever have in my life, I prayed to a god I’m not even sure I believe in, I had faith, I had doubt, I had hope, I had tears among tears and the blood, I’ll never forget the blood, that became stronger each day, and haunts me still, as though it still flows, my child coming away from me, or was she, who knew, I certainly didn’t.
One night when in the car with my partner, I had nipped to a service station toilet, and the blood brought me to my knees in pain and cramps, I knew, I just knew! He saw my pain, and at this point it began to break his heart too, He drove me to the hospital at the speed of light. I was crying, begging, they took my urine, they tried to take my blood but my fear of needles made me vomit and pass out for a few seconds. Just scan me, just scan me I begged. Nothing, “We have no facilities available, even if you wait, you’ll be here until your appointment”, I just couldn’t understand! One lady in the gynaecology ward then did an internal exanimation. The cervix is tightly closed she said, and the blood is only brown up there.
They sent me home again, the following night, the red blood flowed. But I knew no one would listen, and those that would, would only be to hurt to hear. Phone calls began coming through from my friends. Asking was it true, if I was losing my baby because someone had told them so. I found myself just putting the phone down. These six days went by so very slowly and painfully, it felt as though I was waiting to die, my heart was lay so vulnerable on this bed of nails, waiting to heal or crack, I just didn’t know, but I had a good feeling, 2007 would not be a good year!
Wednesday January 16th 2007
The day of my scan, I had never been so relived, but as well, I was terrified. I arrived at the hospital, my bladder almost bursting. They put me in a section, filled with all the other emergency patients, holding onto there tummies so tightly, in the same frame of mind as me, you could of heard a pin drop, and with each client that left the scan room, all the women sat there examining the faces as they left the building. I was to afraid to do that, I kept my head firmly staring at my partners knee, it’s all I could focus on, I had been waiting about twenty minutes when she called me in. As full as my bladder was, she could find nothing doing the normal ultrasound type scan, so she asked me to go to the toilet, empty my bladder and she would do an internal scan.
I left the room, and true to all the other ladies before, the waiting patients stared at me, I simply walked into the toilet and closed the door, I assume they were relieved, no bad signs just yet. I sat on the toilet, the blood still pouring and I was somewhat humiliated, I had to clean myself up good and proper before allowing this woman to go near me as I the blood was very heavy.
I re-entered the room, my partner said, I think I saw the baby the last time she tried, his face so full of hope, he began the internal examination, I will never quite remember what she said, I was just staring at that little screen, I couldn’t make out a thing, but I do remember her first words, I’m sorry. She confirmed all I needed to hear to begin what has been some of the most painful months of my life. So if you’re reading this, and you’re in tears, or you can relate, I feel your pain, because as I’m writing, the tears are flowing. The hurt is like a knife, that shattered my every dream, that stole my future, and left me insecure and scared of everything.
I left the room, the tears just falling down my face, but no noise, I couldn’t bring any up, I had cried so many over the last six days, that now, I was just a blank picture. The ladies in the waiting room grabbed firmer on to their stomachs once I had left, they looked so afraid, and I wanted to hold there hands, and tell them all that it could still be okay, I still wanted to have faith in myself, to have faith in this life, but at this point it was just to painful. I begged a cigarette off a lady sat on a bench outside, my partner shortly after joined me, I saw his eyes were like mine, but you know what men are like, they try to be strong for us. The lady sat on the bench said to me “you have just lost your child haven’t you?”
“Yes, I have” she had also, never the less the hospital told her very little so there was little she could tell me to comfort me, but stood there, I wasn’t alone, I didn’t realise it then, but I do now!
My partner Brian and I re-entered the building, we went into the little shop, there were baby clothes and balloons, I just wanted to die, I wanted to earth to create some sort of hole, and take me deep into its core, and shield my messed face from all that is wrong with life! It never did, and I worked my way through that day, telling relatives, telling friends, that indeed, our child was dead!
I heard all the comments that day, “it was gods will” “don’t worry, you’ll have another” these caused great distress, but they are normal, and you learn to cope with them, and sometimes retaliate so that the person saying it realises there not being remotely helpful!
The following hours, days, weeks are a blur. Everyone around me had forgotten that my baby ever existed, my partner and I grew distant because of the different ways men and women grieve, and my body although mobile, died the day my dreams did.
I had a missed miscarriage at six weeks. I never knew why, I still question it daily, never the less; it has only been two months two weeks and three days.
As for the future, who knows, I only live in hope, I named my angel Faith. I had so much for her, when bleeding, I would run from the toilet too my partner, and cry on his shoulder, and he would say, don’t worry, have faith. Literally, I never got to be so lucky to have this baby in my arms, I had no scan picture, because in the time that hospital hadn’t bothered with me, she had already passed into the toilet, and I searched, but I couldn’t find her, I didn’t know what was what, I just didn’t know! It still breaks my heart.
Today, March 20th 2007, I would have been twenty weeks pregnant, but now, nothing. Some days are a breeze. Some days, like right now, the pain takes over, and I can hardly breathe through the agony that cracks my very being in half. I have heard all the horrible comments, all the “aren’t you over it yet” and “at least you’re not further gone” yet it makes no difference, I’m still me, I’m battling through each day like a little soldier, I may only be sixteen, but I still feel pain, and hurt, and love believe it or not. I loved Faith every moment she was inside of me, and now, as strong as ever if not growing stronger, because she’ll never fade.
I have felt guilty, I have blamed myself, I have blamed the hospital, and I have blamed those around me. I have felt jealous, I have wanted to steal babies from prams, and I have wanted to really scream at pregnant women. I have felt denial, I still find myself looking at the baby clothes. I have felt utter grief, and cried until I was screaming. I have felt scared, my periods are terrifying; it’s like reliving what happened. I have taken at least twenty pregnancy tests just because… never the less, Brian doesn’t want to try again until January of 2008. I have felt so desperate, I have wanted to just steal his sperm and insert it, and sad as this sounds, I have felt almost everything you can possible imagine in the last couple of months, and at times, I think I’m insane, and you will too.
Never the less, my story doesn’t end here, and yours doesn’t either. Although it might feel so right now! Live in hope; one day you’ll have a baby in your arms. Forget the things that other people say, they just don’t know unless they have been here. Realise, you are far from alone, because if you are crying, there are so many others that share this exact grief that makes you feel as though you’re a freak, you’re the only person in the world who knows this pain, because your not. I think of all the women who go through this, I think of it every day, I’m thinking of you! It will get easier, you will smile again, and if it happened to you months ago, you are something my friend, for living this long, for bearing it, for making it, for carrying on, for having the odd smile even if it’s just at a joke on the television.
We are the people, if blessed enough to have children, who will be amazing mothers, and this is because we will never take for granted there love, there being, and the beauty they bring to this world. Like no other. Your next pregnancy will be nerve racking, I’m sure of it, mine will too, we’ll always remember certain dates, and they’ll be certain milestones. I am so very sorry for the loss of your child. I wish you the best of luck for your future, and remember these things that I have said, remember most importantly, no matter what you did, if you told people you would have an abortion, if you made the bed to many times or lifted that heavy garden ornament, it wasn’t your fault. Your angel will never blame you. Forever they’ll be present, its okay to remember them, even if no one else does, and there is always hope and faith.
My Little BoyI was 24 weeks pregnant (6 months). We went to the doctor for a normal appointment on March 26, 2007. Noah's heart had stopped beating. We got a second opinion, but it wasn't what we wanted to hear. We had to have labor induced on March 27, 2007.
Noah was born on March 28, 2007 at 3:46am. I held him & he was so sweet, like a little angel. He only weighed 10 ounces. They said that it looked like his umbilical cord wasn't attached to his bellybutton all the way, and that is why he was so little for being 6 months pregnant.
I had very high blood pressure & protein in the urine. My temperature was 104 untill he was delivered. My breast milk came in two days after he was born. That was hard, because it just reinforced the feelings that I had about him. I miss him so much, and only God knows why he was taken from us.
He was so beautiful, and I wish he was here today. We are planting a garden for him, in his honor. I am sharing my story because if anyone has high blood pressure & protein in the urine, you need to get checked out as soon as possible. If stillbirths can be prevented, this world would be a lot better place.
God bless you Noah, I know that you are in his hands now. I love you. Please pray for our family, Lord knows we need it now most!
Our battleIn ‘99 I lost twins at 18 weeks and then in 2000 I lost a girl whom we named Destiny at 5 months and then in 2001 I gave birth to our now soon to be 6 yr old Desiree.
Then almost 5 yr s later we thought we were having another child but lost it the same day we found out about it. I was 4 weeks along. I have had no bleeding from it except when I passed the blood clot and gray matter.
Went to the hospital they said they see what looked like a sac but were not sure. Had me come back and my hcg levels went up by only 1,000. So they think I lost it.
Just hold my family up in prayer and hope we have another one day!
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