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Babies

My husband and I were married young, we had our first daughter not long after (she’s now 4). We wanted to have another one but wanted to wait a couple of years. So when the time finally came we were so excited!! I took 5 tests just to make sure!! We made our appointment and went in to see the doctor I was 9 weeks.

He did a sonogram right there in the office and confirmed the baby was doing great and surprise there isn't one but maybe two it was hard to tell he says they are soo close together. Wow we were so many emotions all rolled in to one. But we were so excited. It was almost time for our next appointment when I felt a little strange cramping, I could just tell there was something wrong. That night I started bleeding heavily and was so scared. I went to the ER at 13 weeks they did a sonogram and confirmed we had lost the twin and the other baby was fine. They call it VTS. It was so difficult to mourn the life of one lost and be excited for the one still healthy. They said for me to go home my body would take care of the rest. I was so scared for the health of the other twin.

When I had two months to go, once a week I woke up in the early morning hours with very heavy bleeding. Every time it would lead us down that road to the emergency room. And then we would get sent home. So finally at 36 weeks we traveled that same road with bleeding and ended up with a beautiful baby girl!! I always wonder about that little twin our little angel.

Now I am pregnant again about 6 weeks I have had some heavy bleeding and cramping. Only time will tell I have an appointment next week. It doesn't matter if you are 5 days or 5 months pregnant a loss of a baby is very hard. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!!! People would say things like but you have the other one, or it really wasn't a baby yet, Yes it was and still is MY BABY!!!!


J

Not what I wanted to hear

My husband and I got married December 9, 2006. Everything was going great; we had both decided that we wanted to have a baby right away. So around Jan 14 we were excited to find out that I was pregnant. So excited that we had already been to baby’s r-us and picked out the bedroom stuff that we wanted and started buying diapers every time we went to the store.

We were both excited so we told everyone – after all this was our first, we just couldn’t hold it in. My husband is in the military and from what I can tell working with civilian doctors everything goes slow. I had to wait for insurance to kick in like I said we had just got married. That didn’t kick in till Feb 1st and I had to meet with the Family Physician fist. So I did and they took a test and sent me on my way. They made my appt. for Mach 1st which made me mad at first, but I kept telling myself you just have to make it a month there is no hurry.

The Tuesday before the first, I had some bleeding. I just cried, my husband took me to ER. We sat there for 5 hours before we went back and when we did, they took a urine sample and sent me home on pelvic rest, saying the doctor would probably do an ultra sound so there was no need for them to. Well Thursday came and I was excited and nervous at the same time.

I saw the doctor and he said his congrats, and said some bleeding was normal, but he would get me to ultrasound to get us some pictures. This is the part I will never forget. I got in my gown and she tried to do it on my stomach. At this point I was 10wks 5days. The only thing she said is I’m going to have to do a vaginal and I just knew something wasn’t right. So she did and no heartbeat, she went and got the doctor and my husband saying its okay maybe she doesn’t know how to read it. He’s always the positive one that’s why I love him, but I knew she could read it and there was a problem.

He came in and said sorry explaining that they should hear a heartbeat, and at this point the baby was only 6wks not 10wks, but he asked us to wait a week to make sure that there was no heartbeat, but if I had bleeding to go to the ER. So after a weekend of lying in bed and crying, Sunday night I started bleeding.

My heart broke that night; it’s a piece of me that will always be missing. They did an ultrasound confirming that there was no heartbeat. I can remember looking at the student doctor who was crying as she was watching the other doctor do the ultrasound. I just lay on the bed crying knowing that it was my worst nightmare.

They did a D&C Monday morning at 6am. This week has been hard, the doctor said to wait one week and then we could try again. I’m so scared I just don’t know if we could handle this again. I mean my husband never cries and he and I both cried. I keep telling myself it will all work out. It’s in Gods hands. Right now I’m doing good just to take it day by day.


misty

JARED ISAIAH

Well, I am 25 years old and recently went thru the worst experience ever in my life. I recently buried my son. He was already 36 weeks old, and we were VERY excited about bringing him home.

We went for a regular doctor visit on February 21st. My girlfriend was taken to the examination room to get a urine sample, while I anxiously waited in the doctor's office. Suddenly, a nurse's aid came in and asked me to go with her to give her some information on my girlfriend. She didn't give any sign that anything was wrong. Then my girlfriend came in as the nurse prepared for an ultrasound. As soon as she entered the room her look told me she was very worried and scared. She told me the doctor tried to find a heartbeat, and found nothing.

I was very optimistic and told her everything would be okay.... I mean... I felt as if nothing could go wrong, nor did I ever expect it to. The doctor came in shortly after and started looking around, as I squeezed my girlfriend's hand very tight, hoping and praying that the doctor would find his heartbeat. She pointed to his little heart on the monitor and told us it was not moving. Followed by an "I'm very sorry...I'm so sorry." I clearly remember wanting to scream as loud as my lungs would allow me to, but I held it together as best as I could for my girlfriend's sake. I wanted to be as strong as I possibly could for her. The doctor went to get another doctor to confirm, and he did exactly that. He confirmed my baby boy was dead inside his mother's womb.

It felt much like a dream, and like it was not happening. I just knew I would walk out of there and everything would be okay. I had so many thoughts in my head at one time I was just kind of out of it. I was recalling all of the memories of us reading to the baby, I would play my guitar for him, sing to him, he was going to be perfect! We were prepared to give him the best life and all the love in the world! And in an instant...those plans were stripped away.

We went straight over to the hospital and they induced labor. By 7:15PM that night, our little angel was born. I've never felt more proud in my life. I'll never forget the moment he was placed in my arms. Words alone cannot explain what a man feels when he holds his son for the 1st time.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table the Thursday night after we came home from the hospital, and I was writing a letter to my baby. I prayed and I cried as I was putting my thoughts onto paper, and suddenly felt this calming warmth come over me. I immediately stopped crying, and almost felt as if I was forced to smile. I felt very warm and tingly all the way to the tips of my toes! The pain and tears went away for about 10 seconds. It was the most amazing feeling, and I know I was not alone. I know my baby boy, and God himself were with me. I ran into the bedroom to tell my girlfriend what had happened to me! I know she soon after experienced the same. It's a wonderful feeling!

My heart and prayers go out to each and every one of you who have suffered the loss of your child. This is one of, if not the toughest thing to overcome in life. Life is full of beautiful things, but the gift of a child is one of the greatest. Although we as men cannot experience or understand it, I think most of us know that the bond between a mother and her child is unbreakable. You all as women get to feel those tiny feet, those little hands, and nourish these precious little angels.

Although there is no cure or words to take away the pain, your own little angel and the man upstairs will fill that hole that may seem forever empty. Nobody wants to hear that "oh.... you’ll have more children" because those children to come will never take the place of our loved one. But it is okay to give them a little brother or sister. God will let you know when the time is right. God will never give us anything we cannot handle, although it may seem otherwise at times. He has a plan for us all, and sometimes we need a real eye opener to prepare us for the next step.

May GOD bless each and every one of you, as well as your loved ones. I hope each of you finds the strength to keep your faith and hope, awaiting the day we are united with our loved ones!


Bryan Blackmon

how i felt after losing my baby

Hi I was 3 months pregnant and 6 weeks ago I went for my first scan and was told I had a missed miscarriage. I was devastated, cried for days, didn’t want to talk to anyone and didn’t want to eat.

The weeks went on and I felt a bit better in myself. Then about a week ago 28/2 I broke down again. I cry all the time, I have more anger in me and I take it out on my fiancé. I'm surprised he’s still with me. I ask myself why.

I see other babies around I think to myself I could of had one of them why me. I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant the best Christmas present I ever had in 2006. Then 27/1 I found out it had died. I’m just hurting so much inside.

Thanks for reading my story.


Amylouise

Taylor - Always Remembered

2006 was ending, and life couldn't have been better. I had been dating an amazing guy, and although both him and I were off to Iraq, I had hope that our friendship would continue to grow. I was in Iraq for two weeks when I found out that I was pregnant, 17 Jan 07, the day my whole world changed. I had taken two at home pregnancy tests, both were positive, so I went to medical.

While walking to medical, I started to bleed. They completed blood tests, and then did an ultra sound, they decided to airlift me out because they thought the baby was either eptopic or outside the uterus. I couldn't believe it, the same day I find out about this life, he might leave me as well. The tears just wouldn't stop. At the next hospital, they determined the baby was in fact in my uterus and that it was just either the uterus expanding or implantation. I continued to bleed brown and have cramping, the doctors just told me to be worried if the blood turned bright red. Finally out of Iraq and into a more stable country, everyone was so nice, they were all so worried about my little baby. The bleeding and cramping continued, the hcg levels were slow to rise, but finally, finally, there was my babies heartbeat, so tiny, but so strong. The doctors released me to fly back to my station. All along the flights and hospital stays, people looked after my precious cargo. Not even letting me get up unassisted for bathroom breaks.

I arrived back home and the father (very scared & stressed) was here to meet me. The father was able to see the baby’s heartbeat that night on the ultra sound. I finally stopped bleeding and cramping. The doctors said the bleeding was from a hemorrhage in my uterus, it was just old blood, and it hadn't been affecting the baby yet. Again, they told me to worry if the blood turned bright red, but the doctors did say that I only had a 50/50 chance of keeping my unborn child. The father and I were going through very difficult times, one day we would want to stay together, the next day we were breaking up. It was a horrible roller coaster.

I knew that I could do this on my own; I was very secure in my job and life in general. I give this baby all the love and more that he needed. The next time I went to the doctor, I received hope for the first time, the hemorrhage was half the size it used to be and the baby’s heartbeat was strong! Finally, I felt there was hope!

The father and I were about to break up, but then one Friday night we went baby shopping, I burst into tears in the store, but after awhile we began having fun at trying to figure out how all the gadgets worked. I had thought he was going to move out the next day, but he told me when I said I would go apartment shopping with him, he had decided to stay and make a go of it. Everything in my world was turning perfect, I couldn't have been happier, I had a baby on the way, and my relationship was turning around.

I went to the doctor on Valentines Day (I should've known better then to go on a holiday), for lower back pain. The doctors couldn't agree; one was just going to send me on my way and tell me to suck it up, pregnancy ain't pretty, but another doctor ordered a hcg test and another ultra sound. They tried to just listen to the heartbeat, they thought I was far enough along, but they couldn't find it, then the ultra sound. By this time I knew what I was looking for on an ultra sound, the little flashing heartbeat, but it wasn't there, I kept asking, and the doctors wouldn't say anything, the nurse just grabbed my hand, I started to cry.

They brought in other doctors, and better machines, they all looked over me to the screen, no one talking to me. Why wasn't anyone talking to me! Finally, the head doctor told me my baby had no heartbeat. They said the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks and 2 days. I knew my baby for less then a month, but I will love him for the rest of my life time. They offered me a D & C, I refused, I couldn't do that, we tried to just let my body naturally miscarry that long week, but it didn't, didn't even bleed a drop. I still had hope that maybe; just maybe my baby was still alive. The final ultra sound showed the same thing, no cardiac activity. They induced me on 20 Feb 07, I laid at home on my couch, not knowing what to expect, a very heavy period is all I was told.

The father was gone; he left the Saturday after I found out the baby had passed. I went into labor for a child that was never going to breathe. There was a lot that came out of me, not just a heavy period as I was told. I never saw my baby, I wanted to, I tried to keep everything, to bury him, but I think in the final stages of labor when most of it came out, I freaked, and my friend ended up washing him down the drain. That's one of the hardest things to accept, that I can't even bury my baby.

I haven't been the same since, I've lost my dear child, the father has left me, and I have nothing now and am so very alone. I've been cut deep in my life, so very deep at times, but they have all healed over; this time though, a piece of me is missing, gone forever. All I want is my baby back! I prayed for a miracle, but it never came. It was my first pregnancy and I don't have a husband next to me who can say, "It's ok honey, we'll try again".

I felt life inside of me, precious life, now all I feel is empty. I don't want to see women with babies, they're all around, but I just can't handle seeing them. I want to close off to the world, but it won't let me. All I want is my child back, that's all I ever wanted. I will forever love my unborn Taylor. Forever.


Laura