Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We always went back and forth whether to have children or not. When I would say 'yes' he wasn't ready. When he would say 'yes', I wasn't ready. But this summer we had a house built and thought it was an alright time to give it a try. We were both REALLY nervous but went for it. We tried for a few months and a week after missing my period on Sept 24 at 6:27 in the morning, we found out that we were expecting.
Immediately, it took away all the doubts that I ever had about whether or not we were ready and my mind immediately went to the excitement and joys of motherhood. The next morning, I called and made my appt to see an ob/gyn which they scheduled for 8 weeks out. My husband immediately went into 'protector' mode. Making jokes not to lift anything heavy b/c I was carrying his child and being real sweet and excited. Because we were trying to get pregnant, I knew roughly the week we conceived. So, when we found out, I was about 5 weeks pregnant. I work in the medical field with women who suffer from infertility. So I am surrounded by sad stories of women having issues getting pregnant or women losing their babies. So I wanted to keep it quiet until I was further along.
Right after we found out we were pregnant, I just kept thinking that something was wrong. But, because I am surrounded by sad stories everyday and because I am a worrier by nature, I figured that was why I was so worried and kept trying to push the fear out of my mind. I still am not sure if I could 'tell' something was wrong or if I was just doing my normal worrying. But I cramped pretty bad the entire week. Although I read on the net that cramping is normal, I was nervous because I have endometriosis and the cramps were on the verge of being like a real bad menstrual cycle. I didn't (and still don't know) if the cramps should have been that severe.
One week after we found out we were expecting, we were at my mom's for dinner and I went to use the restroom. When I wiped, I saw the familiar brown color of blood. We left and went straight home without telling them and started looking through pregnancy books I checked out of the library and on the net for information. It was a Sunday evening so I had to wait to call my doctor. The information we read told us not to worry. That it COULD be normal. But I just knew it wasn't. The blood gradually increased the next morning and so on.
I never thought having a miscarriage that early in the game would have such an effect on me as it did. I hear and read stories of women who were much further along than I and my heart aches for them. It was so hard for me to get over the idea that I would not be having a child! Like I said, I caught on to the idea so fast after seeing that positive pregnancy test, that my mind was constantly running through all the fun things of being a parent. Decorating the room, bringing the baby home from the hospital, seeing how our dog would be with the baby, seeing how my parents would be as grandparents and my sister as an aunt and my husband as a father. I mean, I could go on and on of how much that baby consumed my mind so fast!
So it was really hard to stop it so suddenly once it started. Once I lost the baby, it was hard to get over the fact that thinking thoughts like that was now useless. I would not pick out paint for that 4th room in the house. I wouldn't be taking the dog for walks pushing a stroller with my son/daughter to get back in shape. My husband wouldn't have to look at the Consumer's Reports on the best car seat carriers. My sister wouldn't be babysitting for me and my mom woudn't be spoiling her first grandchild. It was so hard to push those thoughts out so fast! And it was even harder knowing that we went back and forth on the idea of having a baby for so long-and when we finally agree, we lose it!
I am still not 100% sure I want to try again. The thought of going through this again scares me. The fear of the unknown. But that instant joy I felt when I saw those two lines on that stick won't leave me either. When I see a pregnant woman and feel that desire to experience what she's feeling, or want to have my own baby story to tell--those are thoughts that make me think I need to try again. But I can't figure out how to get over that fear.
Right now, the hardest part for me is thinking of what size my baby is supposed to be right now. What emotions I'm supposed to be feeling and what changes would I be seeing with my body. Those thoughts won't leave my mind for some reason. I am trying hard not to literally look on the calendar and count the weeks to see where I would be. But in the back of my mind, I continue to wonder what would be happening if the baby were still with me.
My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered this loss. Thank you so much for posting your stories so that mine doesn't make me feel alone.
Early lossMy husband and I had been trying to have our second child for about three months. On the night before my missed period I had a dream that I was pregnant. I did not feel pregnant, but in the morning I decided that I would take a test if I didn't immediately get my period. I took the test and the results looked negative. I was mad that I had waisted a test again, but as a minute or two went on, it started to turn positive! This was on October 23, 2006. My lmp was Sept. 22. I was giddy with excitement. When my husband got home in the morning from the night shift, I told him the news and he was SOOO excited. We had been on cloud nine until today. One thing I could say is that this pregnancy flt different from my first as in I didn't have sore breats, wasn't urinating as much as last time, and no neusea (though I didn't have much in the first pregnancy). I attributed it all to finding out so early. Today, October 28th at 5 weeks 1 day, I started spotting like a light period. I called my Nurse Direct line through my insurance and they told me to be seen within 24 hours or wait until Monday (It is Saturday today nd they want to save on an ER charge. Well since I called them from the hospital parking lot, I decided to go to ER anyways. The doctor did an exam and then ordered an ultrasound and a cath urine for pregnancy and Quantatative HCG which gives the number to say how far along I was. The on call Ultrasound tech came in and did a vaginal ultrasound. I should mention I worked at this hospital for years and not only do i know everyone who is performing the tests, I also know a lot about the tests. The tech shared everything she was finding with me because we are friends. I certainly appreciated that, but she saw no sack. She reasured me that it was probably too early. She did find free fluid by both of my ovaries. Having had lots of ovarian cysts in the past, I wasn't too shocked. When the other Radiology Tech came in and said that my HCG level was 15, I knew right away that that was way too low. She went and chacked the chart which said 9-75 was 3-4 weeks and 75-150 was 4-5 weeks, and not to be too concerned. I knew better though and was already starting to cry. I put on a strong face and headed back to the emergency room. The doctor came in and said the I had "aborted" the baby. I was just devestated. I now had to drive home and tell my husband. He was so strong and supportive of my feelings. I feel like having only knon I was pregnant for about a week helped me to feel a little better, but this is still one of the worst days of my life. we were so overjoyed at the thought of having another baby that we had already began planning the roomm and the time off, ect. And of course I had told everyone and their brother. Now I don't even know what to say. I wanted to put this down in words so that I never forget anything about my precious baby. The little life inside of me that just wans't meant to be. These are the times when the only thing that gets me through is God.
WHYI knew something was going on but with the diabetis and fibroids I was not certain. On labor day I took a home pregnancy test and we were so happy. We kept it to ourselves until we confirmed with the doctor that week. Yes I was pregnant at age 36 finally but the doctor couldnt see the it in the sonogram yet something could be wrong. I was sent to a specialist he found it just a small thing. No heart beat he said but it is too small as of yet one week later again I saw the specialist and he found the heart beat. I am now 9weeks into the pregnancy the last sonogram was perfect heartbeat 176 everything seemed fine. 10 days after this something felt funny I had been having bad dreams that I had lost the baby. I went to urinate and notice a small dot of pink on the paper. My heart sunk I didnt feel any pain no blood loss but I was scared and called my doctors office. The dr informed that if it were a miscarriage there is nothing that can be done and advised me to lay and rest the rest of the night i kept checking I noticed a very light brownish color discharge The next morning there was no staining I went in for a sonogram and was informed there was no heart beat i kept hoping they were wrong I did not have any cramps no warning just a small pink dot. Yesterday they removed the fetus I still have no pains and the staining stopped immediately. My baby didnt have a chance between my sugar levels fibroids and now I was informed there is something wrong with my liver it never had a chance. How does anyone find a way to continue living knowing something so important has been taken away. I try to convince myself it will be better in time I try not to let it show so much but I really just want to die with the child. People keep telling me I will have another but how can I. If it happens again i wont be able to endure it. My husband is afraid of touching me and he has not talked about it. He just says he loves me. How do I continue I placed so much hope my heart cant take this I always thought I would not be able to become preganant because of so many complicationswith me I had accepted it. Now I just dont know why become preganant if I cant protect it. I hope that in a few months this pain will diminish and perhaps I may have a healthy baby but I am so scared of what may happen. How can I have a healthy baby when I am not healthy perhaps I need to think logically and make sure I do not get pregnant again. Or would I be cheating myself of my child by not trying am so confused and lost. Does anyone have an answer to why.
2 losses after 8 childrenIhave 8 healthy children,so when I miscarried for the first time in Jan. 2006 I was shocked and devastated,--we tried for 8 months--it was never that hard to conceive before--I am 42 however --I got pregnant and just miscarried again at 5 weeks---am willing to try again but I wonder if there are other women who could share a similar story with me---i just feel God has one more for us!---April
the story of our lossYesterday (thurs) was our 1st ultrasound to measure and confirm our baby's due date of "may 18th, 2007" Bob, briggs and i got to the hospital at 8:30 am and by 9:00 we were all in the room huddled together excited to see the first glimps of baby # 2. From the look on the dr face i knew something was not right. She kept squinting her eyes and then finally said....i'm not happy w/ the looks of this. I can see a sac and some blurs but i dont see a heartbeat. She said it didn't look good and sent me down the hall for a second ultrasound and opinion. That ultrsound confirmed my worst fears...my baby was no longer. I was 11 weeks prego and from the measurments of the mass it determined that the heart stopped beating @ about 6-7 weeks. I was crying so hard and devastated for the next decision that we were going to have to make...my options on how to rid of this pregnancy.
Option #1 was to let mother nature take it's course and to allow the body to finally recognize that it was no longer carring a healthy baby.
Option#2 was to insert pills into my vagina and to sit on the toilet for 6-8 hours while i cramped, bled and passed large clots.
Option #3 was a DNC.
Option #1 was NOT an option...my damn body didn't even recognize that it wasn't prego for 5 whole fricken weeks and i wasn't about to wait any longer.
Option #2 was definitly NOT an option...i couldnt bare to sit on the toilet for 6-8 hours cramping, bleeding heavily, and watching our baby leave my body.
We chose option # 3...DNC
The dr was so understanding and sympathetic...and scheduled my surgery for 3:00 in the afternoon.
Bob and i drove a half an hour back home and packed a bag w/ food and toys for briggs then dropped him off @ a friends house. The dr gave me 2 pills to insert to help get the process started. This was one of the hardest things that i have ever had to do...... I sa t on the toilet crying my heart out and praying to god and to our baby who "never" had a chance. An hour later we arrived back to the hospital and bob had to find me a wheel chair to sit down in because by this point my insides were coming out and i was passing large clots. A couple hours later i needed help from the nurses because it was everywhere..all over me, on the floor and toilet. By 8:15 pm bob kissed me goodbye and i was on my way into sugery...... next thing i knew........ i woke up from surgery bawling my eyes out knowing that it was ALL over with and i was no longer pregnant and carrying our baby. I thank the lord above that we didn't bring a severly disabled child into this world and i'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that this was gods will..... but i will always morn the loss of what i had and the baby that will never be. May 18th, 2007 will always and forever be enbedded in my heart and mind. ;Maybe this pregnacy wasn't meant to be but there WILL be a baby #2 just not this one. To wake up in the morning thinking your 11 weeks prego and the next minute to have it all shattered is alot for anyone to handle. I woke up this morning crying once again in disbelief and will struggle w/ the fact that i no longer have a baby growing inside of me. My way of thinking for the past 3 months has been completely altered and now is very strange and surreal. I took briggs to wallmart today to get outta the house (which i do often) and for a split second i forgot that i wasnt prego anymore. I used to check out the baby dept. and sit for hours on the floor looking @ baby name books (i'm exagerating the lenght of time) but like i said it's going to take getting used to the idea that 3 months of being prego is now gone. I'm sending out this e-mail to everyone because i'm not ready to talk about it in person or over the phone. We have been t hrough ALOT in the past 24 hours and it all happened so fast that my head is still spinning. Thank you all for letting my share our story and to vent. We will start trying again in about 3 months :}
Carrie & Bob
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