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Jake Elliott

Me and my boyfriend had not been together that long but we had decided to try for a baby. luckily for us we got pregnant straight away, our families were suprisingly really happy for us. unfortunatly i did have a very poor pregnancy.

at 7 weeks 5 days i was admitted to hospital with abdoman pains so i had a scan and everything was fine, i saw my babies heartbeat so i was relieved. then i was admitted to hospital with severe sickness and dehydration, my morning sickness had gone to a whole new level. with me being so ill through this pregnancy and with it being my first baby i went to my midwife and asked to listen to the heartbeat, at 14 weeks she eventually found the heartbeat but didnt book me in for a scan even though it had taken her ages to find it, she put it down to my placenta being at the front of my womb.

i hadnt had a 12 week scan due to the hospital i was with they dont do them routinely. i carried on over the next few weeks in a daze happy to be a mum-to-be.i had my next scan booked, my 20week scan.even though i hadnt been putting much weight on i hadnt seen the point of informing anyone, everyone sed u will balloon out at 6months. unfortunatly i wish i had of done cos at my 20 week scan they told me my baby had died his heartbeat had stopped at about 15 weeks.

i thought maybe if i had gone for a scan at 14 weeks they may have been able to do something to prevent it, i was thinking back to what i might have done but i had done everything by the book. i was heartbroken and facing the prospect of giving birth to a baby i would not be going home with, this was not meant to happen.

i was given three tablets to take that day as we wanted to get on with it straight away.two days later on the 27th May 2006 i had to go into hospital to get fully induced, an hour later my son was born-Jake Elliott we named him,they took him straight away and even though i didnt see him i imagine he was and is the most beautiful baby ever.that wasnt the end of it my placenta didnt come out naturally so i waited for about 9hours and went down to theatre were i had it removed,

the amount of blood i had lost had made me anaemic and i had 2 lots of blood on standby for a transfusion, fortunatly i dint need that. another 2days in hospital recovery and i was allowed home.there we had to start organising the funeral, it was the most lovely funeral.me and my auntie read out 2 poems and jake was laid to rest.we go every sunday and take him things.

he is in the baby garden playing with all the other children and i believe he is on a star lookin down on us on a night.

we decided to try again but with it being too soon i am not sure but i got pregnant straight away in july after my first proper period but unfortunaltly i started bleeding end of july it has been going on for four days and my dr said its probably another miscarriage. i know one day we will get pregnant and provide Jake ith a brother or sister, its the one thing we want most in the world.

amy

Thank you for listening

In May 2006 we discovered that I was 5 weeks pregnant. After initial shock,we were very excited. Although you know not to get too excited in early stages it was hard not to talk about names, nuseries and our life with a child.

At 7 weeks I began to have brown spotting. I decided to stay calm about it, but the next morning it had got heavier. It was a saturday and I knew that I wouldn't get a doctor's appointment so I rang a health line for advice. The nurse was lovely and said that it could be nothing to worry about, but to make an emergency appointment with a doctor. I had to see a Saturday locum who seemed to think that there was nothing to worry about. I was off on holiday the next day with friends and he assured me that I was absolutely fine to travel.

We spent the evening relaxing together and the next day I went anxiously on holiday. As we arrived at our hotel I began to bleed heavily and then I began to dread the worse. My frineds still did not know that I was pregnant. I sat them all down and told them and was greeted with the usual female squeals of joy, but deep down I think I knew that I was going to lose the baby.

I tried to stay upbeat as it was a holiday that we had been saving for and planning for a while. I also didn't want to accept that I may miscarry. However, it all got too much and I knew I needed to see a doctor. I rang my surgery in the UK who were shocked that I had been advised to still travel and told me go to hospital immediately. My body felt different and I felt so empty. I knew that I wasn't pregnant anymore.

My friend and I made the long trek to a horrid foreign hospital where no-one spoke English. I had to go for my scan alone as they would not allow tourists to be accompanied by friends and family. I sat in a maternity ward surrounded by pregnant women and pictures of babies waiting to hear the result. It was sadly not the right one. It was possibly one of the worst days of my life.

I think everyone's experience of miscarriage is different, but finding this website has made me realise that I am not alone. Two months on I still think about the baby that I have lost, what stage of pregnancy I would have been in, what shape I would be; will I be preganant again, will I miscarry again, is it ok to still cry... I have begun to move on, but it still hurts and I still want my baby back. I find it hard to share this with my friends as no-one really understands. So thank you for letting me share my feelings with you.

K

Not sure I want to try again

I always thought that I would have a house full of children but after 4 miscarriages I'm begining to think that my dream will never become a reality. I just had a D & E today and my husband wants to try again in a couple months. but I'm not sure if I could handle another loss. my Drs. say that if I were to get pregnant again that there would only be a 50% chance the pregnancy would go ok. I can't wait to hold my very own child in my arms and feel that mothers love I so desperately want.
My husband and I are in the process of becoming foster parents right now as we feel this may be our only chance to have the family that we desperately want. we have so much love and a faith in God that we want to share with the future generations. I can't wait to have a home filled with children as then Our house will truely feel like a home.

My prayer to all of you who have suffered a loss and hope that you will will have a child of your own one day to love and care for.
Remember if it is Gods will we will become parents if even just for a short time.

CASSONDRA

my first pregnancy and loss

i have wanted to have a baby for a long time. i have dreamt of the day my first baby would be born, and how wonderful it would be. my fiance shares the same family hopes and dreams, and we are 3 weeks away from our wedding.
four weeks ago on sunday july 2nd, my period was one day late. i took not one, but four home pregnancy tests because i couldnt belive it was true. i was pregnant for the first time! i was scared, but so excited that i called my fiance and told him at work. after his initial shock, he was excited, too.i rushed to the store and bought prenantal vitamins and healthier foods. i wanted everything to go perfect, right from the start.
that evening, i started getting the symptoms of a horrible UTI. i called my doctor, explained the positive pregnancy tests and the UTI. he had me come right in to verify both, and treat the problem asap. i was excited when he confirmed the positive test. somehow it just means more when the doctor tells you 'its looking pretty positive!'.... the next day, i started having some cramping feelings and back pain. i was worried, and called the doctor. he told me not to worry so much, and gave me reassurance that it was pretty normal at this point. so, i left it at that. it was friday, and we were on our way to vegas for a wedding.
i wasn't having any tell tale pregnancy symptoms yet. no mornign sickness, no fatigue. the only thing i did have was swollen breasts...a good sign. i hung on to my one lone symptom. it was the only thing making me feel pregnant. through the weekend, i was still having on and off cramping. i figured it was my uterus sretching to make room for our baby.
sunday morning, now one week from the first test, i woke up and my lonely symptom seemed to have disappeared. i squeezed my boobs in every way...why werent they sore anymore? i again, freaked out. i called the doctor, and explained my concerns. he told me it was probably fine, but he would contact the OB/GYN for advice. they called me back, and ordered a blood test, to check the level of hcg to hopefully calm my fears. considering it requires two tests, 48 hours apart, i had to wait two days. the first result had a decent number, the nurse said and all was most likely fine. she set up my next blood test. that was a long 48 hours. i had the second sample taken, and waited for the call. i finally got it, right before i left work. it had indeed gone up, but it didnt double as it should in a normal pregnancy. it only went up 400 points.i really began to freak out at that point. the nurse recommended i have another test, 3 days later. the results of that test did go up, but not as it should once again. i was convinced things werent going to be ok. the nurse then explained what might happen...a miscarriage. however, things could still be ok, she said. so, another blood test was set up. almost a week later.
i convinced myself of the worst. i detached myself from the experiance of being pregnant. i wanted it to be over with. if i was going to miscarry, i wanted to do so right then and there. but, i was told, i might not miscarry. i knew better than that. she just couldnt tell me the truth. it wasnt her place.
i went for the next blood draw. same thing, again. higher, but only by a couple hundred points, vs. the few thousands it should have been. again, i was set up for another draw with a promise of an ultrasound. i ended up not waiting for the next blood test. i called the office back and demanded to be seen. i was angry. they had never even met me, yet told me i could lose the pregnancy. they had not even shook my hand, or examined my body. i demanded an ultrasound. funny thing how an opening just popped up that same day.
i left work early, tears in my eyes and a huge rock in my stomach. i knew it was bad news, i knew it was over. i was 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant at this point. i didnt want to wait for weeks for a resolution. and, at 2pm, i got it. there in my stretched uterus, was a fetus...its little heart beating away. the nurse practitioner gasped for joy. she didnt want to tell me bad news, she said. but i was ready to hear it. she had me hold my breath, just to make sure it was a heartbeat. she moved the probe every which way, to make sure it was still there. it was. it was there, after all. she then explained that sometimes, science isnt perfect, just like anything else. we both had a sigh of relief. she then explained that the rate of miscarriage drops signifigantly from this point. i knew this already, i had done my homework. just to make sure of things, she arragned that i return in a week for another check. i called my fiance, who couldnt believe it. i called my two best friends who were so relieved, and optimistic. we all cried and began to make plans for the babys future. i let my gaurd down, and actually began to feel excited again.
the suspense of the week to follow was killing me. i spent the time looking at baby furniture online. my fiance and i came up with a creative way to tell our families at our wedding, then 4 weeks away. the morning of the ultrasound, i noticed i had a small amount of blood after i went to the bathroom. i immediatly put that guard right back up. i felt sick to my stomach. i couldnt breathe. i knew at that moment, it wasnt ok. i confided in a friend a work, who just had a baby. she reassured me that she had a similar thing happen and look at her baby, hes just fine. she helped me through the day...until i could get that much needed ultrasound.
4pm took forever to arrive. when it did, i was filled with fear, once again. i was afraid of what i wouldnt see on the screen. my fiance joined me this time, in hopes to see the baby's heart beat. the nurse practitioner asked how i was doing, and i told her of the bleeding that morning, which had stopped by then anyways. but i had more cramping, and it wasnt like what i had previuosly. it felt different. she told me not to worry, unless she said something was wrong.
to my complete suprise, the baby not only had that beautiful heartbeat, but it has more than doubled in size. see, nothing to worry about. nothing at all. my fiance was so happy. the nurse gave us a print out, that showed our little 'blob'. but, we loved that blob more than anything in the world at that moment. i relaxed my fears again. i let it slide like it was nothing. we saw the baby. we knew it was doing alright. we went out to dinner to celebrate.
the next morning, all seemed great. no blood, no spotting. i went on with my day. until, i hit the bathroom around lunch time... more spotting. just to ease my fears, i called the doctor again. again, they told me when i need to call...bright red blood on large amounts or clots of any kind. ok, will do. i didnt antcipate another call.
saturday yielded more spotting. that made me do a little research online. from what i read, it was indeed pretty normal and harmless. ok, fine. i then came across a message board with many people's personal experiances. a few people had gone to miscarry after a couple days of brownish spotting. most people, did just fine. i figured the spotting was ok, but i still had light but constant cramping. i just wasnt so sure. but, i went with it. i took it as it came, and laid low. i rested myself, in hopes to calm the cramping, which seemed to help. sunday am, i had a bit more bleeding, which a deep reddish brown blood. i wanted to go to the doctor, but, i didnt want to be a physco that goes every minute. but, i knew this wasnt ok. i told my fiance, who repeated what the doctor said earlier. if it was heavy, dont worry. fine. i went on with my day, but i was hesitant. around 4pm, i had some bright red blood. but, i had nothing else later on. i knew i needed to go in, just for peace of mind. but, i stopped myself. just on the basis of saving my fiance the frustration of me overreacting.
i just went to bed early, around 8. i woke up about 10. i had bad cramps, and a change in position not only made things worse, but unbearable. i thought, maybe i just have bad gas. i toughed it out for a few minutes. only until i had pain, shooting down my legs. i stood up and went to the bathroom. all it took was standing up. i began passing clots. one of which looked like a little sac.. with a little fetus, so still and peaceful, despite his fate. i looked at it for a few minutes. the more i looked, the more it looked like my baby. i could make out tiny little hands, and tiny feet..not quite separated at the digits yet.it still had a little bit of a 'tail'. it had little eyes. it was the heartbeat i had once seen with my own eyes. i had watched it emerge from only a week ago, into what it had become. i had seen its heart beat...i knew it was alive, jsut days ago. the pain increased, and i figured i should be seen by the doctor, just to be safe. they asked that i bring what i passed. i tucked it into a baggie. i couldnt believe it... this was actually happening. i woke my fiance up, who knew it wasnt good right away. i showed him what had passed, and after arguing it couldnt possibly be it, he finally accepted it. i know he didnt want to see it that way. the night in the er could have been better. i asked for some pain relief, mostly to dull my mind, but didnt get it for almost two hours later. after the most physically painful ultrasound in my life. the lab tech who drew my blood told me how sorry she was for me. the doctor said, dont be suprised if you feel depressed for awhile, and shared his own story with me. the nurse asked if i would be ok, before i left. i told her, yes, i will be ok. i am actually relieved to have this whole panful ordeal past me now. i told her how i felt robbed of the joys of pregnancy from the first week it began. even after i was told all was ok, and i saw how ok it was, i was still reserved. i still held back. i didnt let myself become attached to it. i couldnt. i couldnt lose what i always wanted so painfully. even now, pregnancy will never be the same for us. we are scarred by fear of this happening again. i have been told it probably wont happen again. all i can do is hope for that.
on the drive home, i was still pretty loopy from the pain meds they gave me. i began thinking out loud on how, somehow seeing the little being that was so alive a couple days ago, provided closure for me. despite the obvious truama seeing it caused too. i know it was my baby.

kathy

I lost my baby

When I found out I was pregnant I was shocked. I'd been faithful with my birth control and it was the last thing I was expecting. I quickly adjusted to the idea and my husband was excited too. My first doctors visit was amazing! I got to see my baby's heartbeat. It blew me away. I was 8 weeks and 5days pregnant. The doctor said everything looked great so I made my next appointment. My husband came with me to my 12 week appointment so we could hear the baby's heartbeat together. After listening for several minutes the doctor still couldn't find a heartbeat. He performed an ultrasound and informed me that the baby had never made it past 9 weeks. The first thought in my mind was, Oh, God, was it something I did? Why did this happen to us? Then I got mad. I was mad at everyone that had told me about miscarriages, I felt like they had somehow jinxed me, I was mad at God. I felt like he was tormenting me. Here's a baby for you...oh! just kidding haha. I had so many irrational thoughts and feelings all at once. It's been almost 2 months since I lost my baby, and I still cry about it sometimes. I get angry when people that are incapable of taking care of a baby have one. Its really hard to explain...thankfully though I have a wonderful husband who is the strongest support I could ever ask for. We plan on trying for another baby in feb.2007.

oriana