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Our Little Peanut

I found out that I was pregnant March 2006 and my husband and I were so excited. It was to be our first child and we had been trying for a few months. Neither of us could believe it. Our due date was Nov. 4, 2006. I had been taking prenatal vitamins for 3 months before I got pregnant, I was exercising and eating well. I did everything I was supposed to do. My pregnancy was going great. No sickness, wierd symptoms, nothing. We saw our baby on u/s at 6w and 10w and heard the heartbeat three different times. We went in for our normal dr. appt. at 20 weeks and everything was great. I measured right and we heard the heartbeat. We had an appt. for an ulttrasound the next week when I would be 21 weeks. Our big debate at the moment was whether or not to find out what we were having.
We went to our ultrasound and when he started moving the wand around, the baby wasn't moving. He didn't say anything at all and then said that he had to step out. Right then I knew something was wrong. He came back in and said that he was sorry and to go home and call our dr. We were absolutely devastated. What happened? We expected to go to the ultrasound and have some neat pics to send to grandparetns and a new one for the fridge and bam our baby had died. I felt him move two days before that. And everything I read said not to worry at 21 weeks if you don't feel something everyday. We went to our dr.'s office that afternoon and she told us that the head had stopped growing at 15weeks so something had been wrong.
I was admitted to the hospital the next morning and given medicine to induce labor. What an absolutely horrible thing to have to go through labor to deliver our baby that had already died. Our peanut was born on June 29 at 4:35 am. They dressed him in a little outfit and made footprints and handprints for us too keep. They also took some pictures and we got to hold him for about an hour. He was only 13 ounces. His little feet and hands were so perfect. The back of his skull hadn't fused all of the way so many tests are needed. The hospital we were at has a great pathology dept. so hopefully we will have some answers. Our little peanut was cremeated at the hospital. I am so glad that we got to hold him and have all of these momentos like the footprints. We really want to know what happened.
I know that we do want to try again later but I am scared to death about what could happen. I was just starting to need maternity shorts and we were getting so excited. I can't go through this again. I know that our little peanut was gone before he was delivered but it is so hard. I know that he is watching over us. My dr. said to take 3 or 4 weeks off of work b/c I work in a restaurant so it's pretty labor intensive. I don't know how I'm going to go back to work b/c there were 3 of us due all in the same three weeks. I can't see them with their big bellies everyday. Nena and I have similar stories and I would like to email her, but I don't know how to find her email. Anyone who has a similar story and would like to talk please email me, since I don't know how to email you.

Kelly

A reply for NENA (our little angel)

I have just read your story and I felt very emotional reading it because we have both gone through very similar experience and all at the same time!!!

I also found out I was pregnat in Feb this year and our babys due date was on the 29th October 2006. I Had a spontanious abortion on the 15th May. I was 15 weeks and 4 days along. It was the worst pain I have ever gone through, both mentally and physically. Ive had slight spotting since week 6 then it stopped and returned when I was 12 wks. I had an ultrasound at 13 weeks which showed the baby bas fine however they found 2 very small hematomas on my placenta. I was in bed pretty much the next 2 weeks. I started having cramps and a lot of bleeding around the week 15. I had to go twice to the emergency room because of the pain and blood but was always sent home being told that everything was fine. Then one night I was in an extreme pain, still a lot of blood and i knew something was going wrong. My water broke that night and I had to go to the hospital. The emergency department was the worst experience of all. They have never given me any pain relief or local anestesia, just kept scrubing all that was inside of me with these metal tools. All they said was that I had a beautiful healthy boy who unfortunately died. I was never given any reason as to why it happened . They sent me home after 3 hrs and told me to arrange my own check up if I still want to know after what happened. So i did. I was then scheduled to go for an ultrousound 2 wks after and they found that I still had something left behind inside of me. I was very mad. They only gave me 2 tablets to then clear it all up and was told all was fine after.

My story had more to it which is impossible to have it all written on here but as most of you already know the 4 months experience was extremely painful. But im staying positive, Iam 22 yrs old and it was just my first pregnancy.

However, the sad thing was that my fiance proposed to me just few hrs before the misscarriage occured.

Nena i just want to express my deep sorry for your loss, I cannot even imagine what it mustve been like for you to go even further in the pregnancy...I only wish I had the opportunity to hold my baby. I have never seen it although my fiance has....he saw how they put the tiny baby in this bottle as he was there with me holding my hand.

LOVE to you all.

Daniela

Daniela

Bye bye baby

I was just told yesterday my baby had died in my womb. I had what is called a missed miscarriage. What is worst is that the embryo is still in my womb. I am waiting for nature to take its course, but really cannot handle it. Tomorrow I'm seeing the doctor again to ask about the D&C. This was my first pregnancy, I was so excited waiting for my belly to grow. I had had two previous scans where I was able to see my little one growing in my womb. I just cannot believe is over...

Cristina

Loss of an early pregnancy

I found out I was pregnant a week ago. 2 days later I was bleeding and my #'s were low, 2 days after that, clotting and my #'s dropped even lower. This is very hard for me, only because I had just got married 3 weeks ago, and I know this was a honeymoon baby. I feel like I am being punnished for thinking to myself after I found out I was pregnant, "Wow, this was so fast, we just got married" so I feel like this is my fault. What if I didn't have that argument with my husband that day. While we were arguing, I looked down and was bleeding. I am ready to stop bleeding now and move on. I just want to feel better. I don't want to see anymore blood, or tissue. I want to be able to make love again to my husband. I had a baby 9 months ago, and I felt ready to move forward with this new pregnancy, but I guess it wasn't written that way. My feelings are very jumbled, and I just want to get back to normal, and move on. I want to put this as far past me as I can, and just be happy.

AMY

Hurting

I can't believe the baby is gone. It was hard for me to embrace this pregnancy because I had a miscarriage last August but, as I approached the 9 weeks mark (and we had seen the heartbeat in the ultrasound), I was finally beginning to get excited. Then I started spotting and within 15 hours, had the news that the baby was gone and had the D&C. It's been a rough week. I go through bouts of crying uncontrollably, feeling really depressed, and then feeling somewhat "normal." My sleep is off and I have no desire to eat. I know that all of these reactions are normal but I just feel so hopeless and it hurts. It hurts a lot and I can't figure out what to do to make it go away. If I had a crystal ball and knew that the next pregnancy would stick, it would be wonderful ... but that technology doesn't exist (yet!), so, for now, I need to just carry on and try to forge ahead. I want the doctor to do tests so that maybe, just maybe, we can find a cause for this because then I would feel some modicum of hope. The other problem is the lack of control that I feel at this point. I just wish that there was someone who could say, "Do X, Y, and Z and you will have a healthy pregnancy." Honestly, if they told me to stand on my head and pet a zebra while eating pickles, I would do it. Anything. Anything at all. But they can't - at least not yet. The good news is that I have a wonderful husband who is supporting me through this terrible time and an incredible doctor who truly seems to care about me and genuinely wants to help. Next week we will be meeting with the doctor to learn more about tests that can be done to determine the cause of the miscarriage. Maybe there is something that we can do to prevent this from happening again. I sure hope so because I just can't do this anymore!!!! It is *too* hard. Way too hard.

I also feel guilty because I keep thinking that something I did caused this to happen. Did eating wheat when I was told that I might be gluten-sensitive cause this to happen? The doctor says that is ridiculous because there are people who smoke crack and still have healthy babies, but I can't help but wonder. Was it bike riding? Seeing my chiropractor? Eating too little? Too much? Walking too much? I don't know. My logical mind tells me that it is nothing that I did but my heart and my anxiety keep supporting my guilt.

I also can't stand to see one more friggin' pregnant woman or woman with a small baby. I look at them and I think - "How can they make it look so easy?!? It's NOT easy!! It's hard!!" I feel anger, jealousy, and more. And, at my age, all of my friends are pregnant or have young children. I am surrounded.

Finally, I am scared to get pregnant again because it will be a nerve-wracking experience. I am certain that I will believe the entire time that I will lose the baby. I really want to enjoy being pregnant but I am afraid that I won't be able to do this. What can be done to help me enjoy it WHEN (I am being hopeful here!) I am pregnant next time?

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts. It just helps to get it out there.

Jessica