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Lost our baby girl

Found out on Friday I lost the baby. The hospital made me wait 2 days before inducing me to have the baby. Finally they called me to come in for the induction. This was truely the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. As if losing a baby at 5 months along wasn't enough, I had to give birth as well. I could not believe this when they told me, and thought there must be a better way! I cannot express the pain I feel for this loss.
After 10 hours of labour, I finally gave birth to a tiny baby girl....this would have been just as painful either way, boy or girl, however since we have a perfect little boy at home, our hearts were hoping for a baby girl. The nurses gave me a memory box with baby's hand and foot prints and a few other little things to remember the baby by, this seems to be helping, just to know it's there if I want to see it. I know it wasn't meant to be, what ever reason, I'm not sure, but it definately doesn't make things any easier. Waiting for brighter days ahead....EP

Emily

Reply to rebekah!!!!!

I am replying to Rebekah: You cant feel guilty or hate your self because you lost your much wanted baby, I have a question for you: Do you now for sure that your drinking stint is what made you miscarry?......I recently had a d/c after having a missed micarraige, I too blamed myself for a while as I thought I had exerted myself too much and caused my baby to die.....but there are many other things that could have caused your baby to die, which is most probable.....you can not punish yourself just for having a few drinks, many women do drugs and drink every day of the 9 months they carry their precious baby for, I also told everyone at what they say is too early, but most women do, it is your first instict to go and share your good news with everyone possible.......I wouldn't be upset with yourself especially when you don't know that your drinking stint is what caused you to lose your baby......please keep your chin up, think positive thoughts...this happens to alot of women for many different reasons. Go to www.pregnancy-info.net/QA I guarantee you that there are alot of women on there that will support you just as I have.....they have helped me and I have all confidence in them, and I am sure they will help you also...please just give it a try even if you want to vent these women will listen........good luck Rebekah

tonilee

The Emptiness

No one was happy the first time I got pregnant. It was back in October of 2005. I was so alone and regretably made the terrible decision to end the pregnancy. I didn't feel like it was my choice. I didn't stand up for myself or my child.
Nothing could help the pain. I was traumatized. And it only got worse a few months later when I was diagnosed with high risk HPV. The pre-cancerous cells covered my cervix. Even though they caught it quickly enough to treat it, the damage was done. I was told I had a very slim chance of getting pregnant due to the trauma my cervix went thru. I was determined. I was still emotionally scarred from the abortion and wanted nothing but to have a child.
And then it happened. I was so nervous I couldn't even bring myself to look at the stick to see if the line was there. It was a dream. I had what I so desperatly wanted. Instantly the maternal instincts kicked in. I bought books, subscribed to magazines, told EVERYONE. I even kept the first home pregnancy test. I loved every minute.
My pregnancy was rough. The nausea was terrible. It was literally all day long. Even brushing my teeth set the vomiting off. And the father and I were going thru a break up at the time so I was really stressed. But I found my support group and lived up every moment. I bought pregnancy clothes that I wouldnt fit into for months. Thought of names. Everyone was happy.
Than it was time for my first doctors appointment. I went in and right off the bat wanted an US. I was a little early for one but they gave me one anyways....They couldn't find the baby. Something they played off as normal. They had every excuse. "Maybe its the machine, your bladder isn't full enough, it's too early, the baby is hiding." But I knew. I did. Something was deathly wrong. I didn't know how right I was.
They scheduled me for an US 2 weeks later in their Radiology department. Once I went home I shrugged it off and went back to my happy pregnant self. I remained so cautious of what I did and what I ate. Like nothing was bothering me at all.
I did start noticing things that just seemed a little off to me. The big one being I had no morning sickness. At all. And I was so used to having such intense morning sickness it was odd for me. I still had the breast tenderness and all that so I wrote it off as I was one of the lucky ones who just don't get sick.
Today was my second ultrasound... I made sure the father and my parents were there with me. And I'm so glad they were.
They started with just the standard US. The doctors were completely silent. I even said to them that it was eery how quiet they were being. Still nothing. Than they left to get another doctor. Than the 3 doctors left. And in came 6 more doctors. Count them 6 more doctors. I automatically started crying. Something was wrong. And these 6 doctors were just about to confirm it.
For the first time in the entire visit they let me see what they were whispering about. It looked like a deflated balloon. The sack had swollen 3x what it was suppose to be and instead of being the perfect circle it looked like it was popped.
My baby is gone. What has happened is so incredibly rare the doctors had never seen it before. And didn't know of a name for what happened. Everything but my baby is growing inside of me. The sack continues to swell. I will have to have it removed.
You hear so many reasons for miscarriage. Stress, Weight, Health, on and on and on. The doctors have no idea how this happened. I have nothing but guilt. Like I did something wrong but they don't know what I did. I blame myself.
How can crack addicts and prostitutes have children but I cant???? Why am I not good enough??? This baby was a living part of me. I was suppose to protect it from pain and suffering. But I didnt. I let him/her die. All I have left is the emptiness. Where my child and my heart used to be.
I'm numb. All out of tears. I cant stand the "well on the brighter side..." F that. There is no bright side to this. There is nothing but dark and hurt. I don't want to talk to anyone. Sympathy annoys me. They don't know what I'm going thru how dare they try to console me now. I want to be alone. But most of all I don't want it to be happening.
The doctor said there is a 1% chance the baby is there. 1%. What kind of beacan of hope is that suppose to be exactly? Theres nothing left. I know it.

Stephanie

Feel confused and alone

I've been reading the stories at my home this 4th of July and wondering "Why me" just like the rest of these women on here. Why within a 1 year peroid did I have 2 failed attempts at pregnancy? I wish someone could provide me with the whys/and how comes? As I'm currently pregnant with a baby that has no heartbeat as of last Thursday, now come the questions of what to do/and how. I too find myself crying and feel like this is a cruel joke of some kind. I'm 36, no kids and thought once again this was it. I can't put into words the range of emotions I've been going through these past few days. My whole world right now turned upside down all in 1 morning. I'm tired of hearing this happened for a reason/or maybe it will happen next time, that's all fine until you go through something like this, it isn't fine. I'm sorry other women like myself have had to go though this same experience with no answers to their questions. It is frustrating, and hurtful. I just wish if I was to miscarry let it happen so I don't have to make the decision to take the medication to end this pregnancy, or to have the D&C. I just feel so alone.

Candi

Hopeful after a Loss

I am 25 years old. In August of 2005 my husband and I started trying to get pregnant. It only took one try and I found out I was pregnant very early. I had an ultrasound at what I thought was my 7th week, but it showed nothing. I was devastated. I came back for another ultrasound one week later, and there was a fetal pole and gestational sac. I had just had my dates wrong. I had another ultrasound at what was my real 7th week, as well as a quantitative hCG test, and both tests were fine. The US showed a heartbeat of 138 and my hCG was at about 13,000.

For the next four weeks, I was the happiest I have ever been. My best friend started knitting me a baby blanket, my mother bought me a baby memories book and a toy and outfit, and my husband was very happy as well. I had no nausea, and my only true symptoms were fatigue and some breast tenderness, which started disappearing at 10 weeks.

I went to my 12 weeks appointment with my husband to hear the heartbeat. The midwife could not hear anything after trying for over 15 minutes and decided that perhaps I had a tilted uterus, though no one had mentioned this at any of the US appointments. She said I should come back in another month. Another month! I told her emphatically that I would not wait this long in case something was wrong. She begrudgingly said I could come in for another US two mornings later.

I had to go to that appointment alone. The US technician started working and before she even spoke I could see that something was wrong. She told me "It looks like you had a loss." I will never forget hearing that. The pregnancy had only progressed to 8 weeks by the size of the embryo. For an entire month I had been falsely planning for a new life that I would bring into the world. I felt cheated, angry, and completely dejected.

Over the next three days I learned that I had had a "missed miscarriage." I had never bled or had cramps or pain or a sign of any kind. I had to have a DNC on November 15 05. This was an extremely traumatic experience for me. I had never had surgery and was terrified of the anaesthesia. We had told all of our family and friends and co-workers about the pregnancy, which was a terrible mistake. I had to answer so many questions and receive so much information and advice and words of love. Believe it or not, this did not help in the least. It made me feel worse, small, and compromised. All I wanted was to be alone.

It is now July 4th of 2006 and I am 9 weeks pregnant. We started trying in April, and again it only took one try. While I feel very fortunate, I am terrified. I have been to have an US, and my husband and I saw the heartbeat at 6.5 weeks, but this means nothing to me. However, this pregnancy is very different. I have been nauseated almost every day, and on some days have had to literally sit completely still for hours to keep from vomiting. It has been quite difficult. I can only eat a few "staples" - chips, bread, yogurt, cereal, broccoli, and salmon (for some reason) - without feeling disgustingly queasy. Also, my breast changes have been much much more pronounced and I had to purchase two new bras in a larger cup size. I've also noticed that I'm having strange, vivid dreams that I can remember very clearly. This is unusual for me. My lower abdomen above my pubic bone is very firm and feels quite different.

I do not know what to hope for at this time. I cannot stop thinking that the child I am carrying could already be dead inside me. My husband and I have told _no one_ - and we have decided to keep holding off until the 15th week. This is difficult because, for all my fears, I am very excited and I feel that this time may be different. I just cannot wait to hear the baby's heartbeat and to see it move on an ultrasound. Until then I will continue to be afraid that my previous tragedy will repeat itself. With any luck this pregnancy will come to fruition and I will be able to post good news in a few weeks.

Best wishes to all of you and I am so sorry for the losses you have suffered.

Christine