Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.
My Prince Carmen
I was 20 weeks pregnant with my first child...everything was fine with him. Untill one night when I had sex with my partner the next morning I started spotting and was cramping a littlebit. I didnt make a big deal out of it because the doctor said that it was normal. I still went to the er that night. They ran a few tests on me the baby heart beat was fine the nurse said. She did a papsmeer n draw blood. It was 3 in the morning so,since the nurse said that every looked ok on the ultrasound n the spotted had stopped they didnt find any blood in my urine. My partner I decided to leave the hospital. When I got home I felt my child move that night,the next morning I felt him again but around 10am i started cramping and spotting. Went back to the er n they ran the same tests on me again n told me that the baby was fine. I was still in the hospital when my water broke n they kept telling me not to push eventhough I had to push. There was so much blood we kept asking wt was going on n y I wasn't allowed to push nobody couldn't give me a proper answer. About 10 hours after my water broke a doctor came in to the room and told me to start pushing n that the baby didnt make. It was the worst pain I ever felt in my heart because I didnt even cry with the labour pains. My partner was there but couldn't look at the baby it was to painfull for him. When I saw my little man he was so perfect didnt know why he had to die!! From that day on everything went down the drain with my partner. He said that he doesnt blame me for it but I have the feeling that he does. He never held me,he just said that he couldn't stand seeing me sad n dont know how to handle the situation. I feel so alone didnt know what to do or who to turn to so, what I stared doing was: I would write in my dairy how I was feeling n cry myself to sleep. N everyday was so hard for me it got better every time I would write in my dairy n I made sure I wrote to my angel Carmen every Sunday up untill the day original due date wich was yesterday12/19/10. I cried all day long up until today I can't stop craying. Just the thought that he was going to be here today n is not because God had another plan for us is killing me..but,I know my angel is watching over me n I will never ever forget about you. You will always be my first born n will tell your brothers n sisters about you someday!
My heart goes out to all the mothers who ever loss a child the pain will never go away but we just gotta learn how to live with n do stuff that will make u feeel alittle better...
I loved you than n forever will Carmen Vijent Ellis.
my sweetpea vine.i hada little seedling, a sweetpea vine, but i never gave it water, i never claimed it as mine, the angels in heaven looked down, they said sweetpea u deserve better, then took my sweetpea away, the morning i told my little vine, i love u today im sorry i never showed it yesterday, was the day i coundnt find u in my garden, but u left 1 little blossom behind, to remind me that u used to b mine.
on the 16th of december 2010. i went to emergency as i had started bleeding. i was told i would of been around 5 weeks n that the pregnancy was now non viable. i had booked to my gp on the 21st to finally get my pregnancy confirmed. i had known i was pregnant since the home test i took on the 7th. my husband had urged me to get it confirmed. i look back n i hav so many regrets. not because i lost the baby but because i didnt appreciate the time i had with sweetpea. my husband n i have a daughter who had just reached the 4month mark. n so i was more then apprehensive on finding out abou this 1. infact i acted like it was th end of the world for me. it wasnt the end of the world for me but it was for my baby. i make no excuses for my behaviour. infact while i was pregnant for that short time i breated myself so many times for not being over joyed n so in love as i was with my daughter. i didnt despise this baby, didnt dislike it, i just didnt feel anything towards sweetpea. not even love. i felt so guilty because i knew that this baby like all babies r precious, n priceless, it was a good thing, bad timing. my husband was so supportive, it was a shock for him too, and it would b alot to deal with but he was my pillar of hope. he always tried to get me excited n open up to this baby. n his love 4 this baby was boundless n obivious. he knew i was trying to accept it n he gave me extra love n affection to help. i asked him to keep this baby secret until i was ready to tell people. when they asked the questions isnt it too soon? how will u cope? will u b ok? are u excited? i wanted to smile n say all the right things with out lying. that i was happy n excited n looking forward to the new adition. i remember the 16th of december too well. that morning my mother came over. we were talking about 2 friends of mine 1 who was pregnant with her 2nd n had a toddler n another with a toddler who had just had her 2nd. my mum had no idea. she said to me while playing with my daughter, dont hav another 1. this 1 needs all ur attention. she might get jealous. she's too perfect. n then that confirmed it why i didnt want anyone to know. she left. i had pain for the last few days. n the day b4 i thought i had what appeared to b implant bleeding. just like wiht my daughter. the timing matched up. as my periods r like clock work n i always know which day they'll come by looking at a calander n i had got them very soon after my daughter's birth. they were due 6days b4 this bleeding started. so on the 16th the bleeding changed it became heavy n red n didnt stop. it wasnt spotting anymore. the pain was getting worse. i got my daughter ready n went to the hospital. the whole time i was there i was thinking about the early morning b4 my mother came to visit. i had for the first time allowed myself to open up an admitt my feelings as scared of them as i was. for the 1st time i put my hand on my tummy n said i love u sweetpea. with my daughter we kept calling her it as we kept her a suprise sex. i always felt bad wiith the it thing. so this 1 we decided to call the baby sweetpea. i said i love u to my baby. i didnt realise at the time it was too late. the doctor told me it was gone n my body was expelling my baby. i discharged myself i couldnt stand to b there. i felt i was being punished. i felt i deserved it all. i didnt appreciate sweetpea enough n when i did it was too late. i had bought a pregnancy magazine just to go through the motions to make me get excited. one night soon after i got up. found where my husband had stored them away. i opened it the page i opened it to was a week by week progress of a baby. weeks 4-5 was where my baby should b at. i just kept reading n re-reading the paragraph. i was so angry, i had so much hate n saddness n i didnt hav a clue where or what to direct it at. i tored the magazine to shreds n threw things across the room n sat in a corner crying crying not for me but for my baby. i had questions n no answers. my husband came n held me i asked him at that age did sweetpea feel pain when sweetpea passed away? did sweetpea hava soul? where is sweetpea now? is sweetpea in heaven? i wanted to know sweetpea was in heaven safe. n was being loved more then what i gave sweetpea. i wanted to know if sweetpea knew i existed knew i loved sweetpea i really did. i didnt know how much i could until there was no sweetpea there. i feel like i hava giant hole in me that was supposed to hav sweetpea to fill it. i didnt know how much sweetpea meant to me until it was too late. sweetpea was a part of my body. no one know's there was a baby n i dont want any one to know there now isnt. sweetpea will always b mine kept close to my heart in a place no one will see. sweetpea is too precious for me to talk about to my friends n family as any comment they make wont do anything to help. infact i know they'll say it wasnt meant to b. then why was it meant to b that i got pregnant in the 1st place? n not meant to b that i give birth n see sweetpea's 1st breath? telling me it wasnt meant to b just means it was wrong that sweetpea even existed. my dad accidently found out n thats what he told me, he then told me i wasnt the 1st woman to lose a baby. i said i knew that but i was the 1st person to lose sweetpea. he then told me every woman he knew that had lost, n how they were more advance in pregnancy than me. what is 5 weeks to 28 or 30 or more? i dont know i never got there. but i think it would still b agony. agony is agony. it doesznt hav a rating system because agony is the highest pain can go. he was only trying to help. but blowing off sweetpeas existance just made me feel sweetpea wasnt worth anything to him. sweetpea was worth everything to me because when a baby is inside u it is a world. if our world died wouldnt it b worth everything? the only thing thats getting me through is my husband n beautiful daughter. she might only b 4months but she knew something was wrong n when she sees me sad she makes me pick her up n she cuddles into me as if to say im here for u mummy. i wrote a letter to sweetpea. i wrote about the day i said i love u, how i lost u, how i dont want to let u go how i dont want to accept ur gone. how i will always love u n i will always b ur mummy. im still feeling raw. n im working on letting myself b happy n not feeling guilty for being happy. i have to keep myself together. i cant fall completely apart. i hav my daughter who needs me. n sweetpea i think needs me to rememer that sweetpea did exist. even though it was short.
the saddest goodbyeWith my little angel, everything went perfectly. The 19 weeks scan was perfect, she's a beautiful and active baby inside my tummy. Two weeks after that, me and her daddy went to visit the obstetrician to do another checking and shes fine, her heart is beating as it should be.
At 22 weeks and 4 days, i noticed shes not moving anymore. Four days later, I decided to go to the Doctor to have her checked up. Then her little heart was not beating. I was shattered and in the midst of in denial. December 9, 2010 I was induced, she was very pretty, prefect little nose and lips, long limbs like her daddy. At the very last time she did helped me. Taking with her the placenta so that mummy wont need to push anymore. I don't know what to do, shall i cuddle her, kiss her, shes so vulnerable i don't want to cause anymore damage to her skin.
For almost 6 months i have hopes and dreams for her as mum n dad's first baby. And suddenly, I don't know what went wrong to a perfect start.
To our little angel Victoria, mummy and daddy loves you so much. You will always be our baby, forever to eternity.
She didn't stayMy world came crashing when the doctor said he couldn't find a heartbeat when my water broke at 40weeks and 2days, i prayed it was just a machine malfunction, and when he and a colleague confirmed it with the ultrasound, everything just phased out. I could have been stabbed a million times in the chest and i swear, it wouldn't have been as painful.
I could have also sworn I felt her move a few hours before i made the call to the hospital, I was at my Pre natal visit just 3days before and i got a clean bill of health, she still had a heartbeat, so.......what went wrong? where did it go wrong? when did it go wrong? was it something i ate or didn't eat? was it because your dad wasn't around for a while to sing to you? I'll never know will i?
When I delivered her 8hours later, she was warm in my hands and i said to myself, she is very warm, maybe if i hold her to me she will open her eyes and cry out. She didn't! she looked just perfect, she had her daddy's lips, ears and fingers, my nose....She was beautiful! She had a large mass of dark curling hair that grew up to her forehead, almost reaching her eyebrows.
I see her everyday in everything i do, We didn't even get a chance to say hello before she said her goodbyes, I will miss her for the rest of my life and we will always love her.
May God bless you my daughter, May your soul rest in perfect peace.
To Oluwatobi Akilah Raji
Born: 12/08/2010, 5.4pounds.
My Little Surprise...I am 35 years old and have two beautiful and healthy daughters, ages 4 and 2. And this past August, I found out I was pregnant again. I was actually in shock, since the pregnancy wasn't planned, but I believe all children are gifts from God, and this little surprise was no different. As my excitement started to build over this baby, sad news shattered my heart. I went to my HR doctor for a routine ultrasound and there was no heart beat. There was a heart beat at 9 weeks, but at 11 weeks and 2 days, there was silence...My first pregnancy was a miscarriage and this one just deepened the pain of that loss. Because of my age and subsequent miscarriage, I was able to have chromosone testing done, and I found out that my baby had an extra chromosone that obviously was the reason my baby couldn't survive. I also found out that I was going to have a son. My daughters give me hope everyday that I can be a Mom just one more time. In a few months I hope to be pregnant again. I'm praying that GOD blesses me with a healthy and happy baby regardless of the gender...butif GOD really wants to overjoy my heart, a beautiful baby boy would be wonderful! To all of you...there is always hope. You must hope against all odds, following your heart, and believe that all things are possible.
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