Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.
Dreams and What Ifs
It was a normal Friday evening for my husband and me. We ate dinner out and then went to Target. My breasts had been feeling different, "heavy" is the best way to describe it, and my bras were tighter. Since we weren't trying for a baby, the thought of pregnancy hadn't crossed my mind, I just figured that I needed a new bra.
I grabbed five or six in my usual size and found that all were too tight. I handed them back to the attendant, who asked if any of them had fit. When I told her that they were all too small, the asked me if I was pregnant since bigger breasts were the first sign with all of her pregnancies. So, instead of buying a new bra, I bought an EPT.
I didn't tell my husband that I was taking the test that next morning, because I really didn't think I was pregnant, and I didn't want him to get excited or upset for no reason. I also thought that since I am a creative person, I would find some wonderful way to tell him if he was going to be a daddy. He was downstairs having breakfast, and when the second line showed up, it was so faint that I kept looking and then looking again. I jumped on the computer and googled "faint positive," to see if this had happened to other women. When I couldn't get any definitive answers on-line, I went back to the pharmacy for a second test. Meanwhile, my poor husband was trying to figure out what was wrong with me, since I was acting so strangely. I finally shoved the first test at him and not-so-romantically said, "How many lines do you see?"
He replied, "One. . . and a half. Are you pregnant?"
It took another half hour before I could summon up the courage to take the second test. In that time, I couldn't pinpoint my emotions. So many thoughts were running through my head. Did I WANT the second test to be positive? Were we ready to be parents? In my heart of hearts, however, I was desperately hoping that second test would tell me that we were pregnant. I have wanted to be a mother all of my life, and my husband and I are not 100% ready, but who is? We have been married three years, own our home, and have reasonably steady incomes. When that second test came up with a nice, bold second line, I instantly fell in love with my baby.
My husband was very excited and we laid on our bed for over an hour, just hugging and talking, and getting excited. I wanted to go get baby books at the store, so we went out to lunch and then to the bookstore. It was a simple day, but the purest, happiest day of my life.
We decided not to tell our families until our ten week ultrasound. We did tell a very select few friends and they were so happy for us. I started keeping a pregnancy journal for the baby, talking to it during the day and night, and made sure that everything that went into my mouth was healthy. I started prenatal vitamins and went to my first appointment with the OB/GYN. My every waking thought was of the life growing inside of me, and I felt as if I was finally whole. I have never been so satisfied and blissfully content. Strangers would comment on how much I glowed, even though my pregnancy was still too early on to be outwardly noticeable.
Two days after my first appointment, I woke up with a backache. I had been feeling cramps throughout the pregnancy, and was told that is normal as the uterus grows to accomodate the fetus. I went to the bathroom and had just a small swipe of red blood. I felt lightheaded and went back to bed, keeping my feet elevated for over an hour. When I next checked, there was no more blood and I tried not to worry.
That afternoon, I started feeling very poorly. I was nauseated, had cramps, a backache, and a headache. I just wrote it off to a bad pregnancy symptom day and tried to relax. I ended up taking a four hour nap. When I woke up and went to the bathroom, there was a bigger swipe of red blood and my heart started pounding.
I called the on-call doctor who told me since it was so early, there was no need to come in, and there was nothing they could do for me. He told me to relax and if I was still bleeding in the morning, to come in for a HCG blood test. I sobbed in my husband's arms, scared and sick that we could be losing this baby.
The next morning, there was more blood, this time with some small clots. I laid down on the bathroom floor and sobbed, I cried to my baby how sorry I was and that I would love it forever. I knew I was losing the baby. I wrapped all the baby books and positive pregnancy tests up in a towel and shoved them in the bottom of our linen closet. I went in for the blood test, but I really didn't need to hear the results. I KNEW I had lost the baby. Four hours later, the RN called to tell me that my HCG levels were at 27, when they should have been in the thousands. She was probably trying to comfort me, but what she said next will haunt me forever. She said, "You are so early on in the pregnancy, it was probably just a chemical pregnancy. Not even a baby."
It has been two months, and my husband and I are now trying to conceive. I have become obsessed with getting pregnant again, charting body temps, using ovulation predictors, and stalking my poor husband on fertile days! He doesn't want this to become a focus, but it already has. I want a baby so badly, and I am scared that something is wrong with me, that I will not be able to carry to term. Everyone tells me that that is not the case, that miscarriage is common, and that there is every likelihood that we will go on to have several healthy children, but no one knows for sure.
In the meantime, I mourn for our loss. I feel that it is difficult to validate my feelings, both to myself and to others. Most people seem to discount my grief. I know that we are young, that we have conceived once, so it stands to reason that it could happen again, but that doesn't take the emptiness out of my soul.
Even my husband seems to have moved on. I feel as if I am stuck alone in this world of broken dreams and what ifs, and I am so scared that I will get pregnant again and lose the baby. Yet another pregnancy is what I want the most, although then I feel guity for thinking that, as if I am being unfair to the first pregnancy by wanting another. Then I read the sad stories of others who lose their babies at the end of their pregnancies, and I wonder if I even have the right to grieve, since my pregnancy was so brief. And if the RN was right, if it was just a chemical pregnancy, then am I crazy to be mourning something that never existed?
This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to endure and I hope every day that it will get easier. It just hasn't yet.
KaylaThis was my fourth pregnancy. I had 2 pregnancies before that I delivered early because of Toximia and pre eclampsia,and both babies were fine. So when I got pregnant the fourth time I knew I was high risk, but I was not overly worried cause my other children were fine.This pregnancy was different from the other three. I had really bad morning sickness for the first 13 weeks, then when I was 15 weeks I woke up in a pool of blood; I freaked. I thought the worst, but when I went to the hospital, the baby had a strong heartbeat.They sent me for an ultrasound and the baby was fine, and was growing at the right rate: but they could not find the source of the bleeding.They released me from the hospital when the bleeding stopped and told me to take it easy.
Easier said then done when I have three children at home ages 8, 22 months, and 8 months. But I did my best and thought everything would be okay.Boy was I wrong. 5 weeks after the first incident, I started bleeding again. This time it would not stop.I went back to my doctor. Still the baby had a strong heartbeat and the baby was moving lots and were no signs of destress.
I had a scheduled ultrasound in three days so my doctor didn't think it was necessary to get one done then, cause so far the baby seemed fine.I wish now I made him order one cause when I went in for the ultrasound, it was the worst day of my life.There on the screen was my lifeless daughter - no heartbeat to be found. The daughter I was praying for (I have three boys) was gone before I could meet her.They told me my placenta had pulled away from the wall of my uterus and that there was nothing they could have done to prevent it.
I never knew that it was a girl until I delivered her. She was so perfect, tiny but perfect.I felt so robbed; why would God take away the daughter I have been wishing for forever. But I know she's in a better place and she will always be close to my heart, and a part of my life through memories of her. Renee Batke
Loss at 41I got pregnant at 41 years old. I was one happy lady that I was going to have another child, aside from my daughter who is 21 years old. She was excited she was going to have a sister or brother since she is the only child.
My daughter noticed my body changing and she bought me the first response test. I was positive. I went to my doctor immediately missing my first period, 4 weeks, when they only saw a little sac, but no baby. My hcg blood level was not multiplying daily, instead it was dropping. After the second sonogram at 5 weeks, I was told that I would be miscarrying.
I did not have any bleeding, or cramps. A few days later I was bleeding and having clots the size of a walnut. Went to my doctor immediately and it was confirmed I was miscarrying. I started crying and I did not know how to tell my daughter the news.
My boyfriend and I told her, and she got very sad. My boyfriend and I are planning to have another baby after I get well, but it will be a surprise to my daughter. We will tell her later, when everything is okay.
Infant angelAfter having a miscarriage 2 years before I had found out that I was pregnant again, we were so excited and yet scared to death that it would happen again. Everything was going great at all the doctor's appointments.
Then at 38 weeks I had talked to my doctor about scheduling a c-section. I was going to the doctor's for a pre-surgery check up when my labor started. I was so excited. Here it was; the big day after 9 months of waiting and getting fatter. The doctor told me to go on to the hospital and he would be there shortly.
When I got there, they hooked me up to all the machines and thought that they had found the heart beat and everything. Then after about an hour they came in to let me change positions. They tried to find the heart beat again and were having trouble. The nurses called my doctor in to see if he could find it. He had trouble also so they brought in the ultra sound machine which confirmed that the baby had been dead for at least a day. It wasn't the baby's heart beat they had found earlier; it had been mine and I had gone into labor to get rid of the baby inside naturally. But that wasn't fast enough for me.
I told the doctor that I wanted to go ahead with the scheduled c-section that was to be the next day. I just couldn't face giving birth to a dead baby. So they took her at 5:00 on Feb, 23 2006. She weighed a whopping 10 pound 3 oz with a head full of hair and was just like a sleeping angel. Well that's my story. She will always and forever be her mommy and daddy's Infant Angel.
Can't go to Baby ShowerMy friend is having a baby. She was very vocal about being pregnant, while I was not. When I had a miscarriage, she didn't know I was pregnant. We talked a little, but she's so in babymode that I really think we just can't relate. She hasn't really "been there for me." I kind of told her that I wasn't always gonna be chipper around her - my child was due now (the same as hers). I have wrestled with going to her baby shower to be supportive, but I really just kind of don't want to go there and feel like shit all weekend. Well, Thank God I have to help my mother move that weekend...now my decision is irrelevant...I can't go - I figure if my friend is really my friend she will understand. If not, well, maybe I just won't see her again. Am I truly terrible?
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