Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.
No one seems to understand
A week ago today I woke up to brown spotting. I was 8 weeks pregnant and although freaked out a little bit, I calmed myself when I read online that it was normal to be spotting in the first trimester. However through the day the spotting increased and turned a very dark color until I started to see little bits of red in it. Tuesday morning it seemed to have stopped and since I didn’t have any cramps I began feeling positive that it had only been a scare and the baby would be fine. Later that morning while at work I started to feel cramps and left the office. Thankfully my husband was home too so that when the miscarriage started he was able to give me comfort and eventually take me to the doctor’s office. The pains started to get worse on our way to the doctor’s and it wasn’t until I was sitting in the exam bed waiting for the doctor to examine me that I knew I was miscarrying. There was a lot of blood with clots and excruciating pain. I don’t know how much of the pain was physical and how much was emotional, but I felt like I was breaking inside and there was nothing I could do to stop it. my husband was so amazing…he’d never seen me in such a vulnerable situation, so much so that I would have felt embarrassed if it wasn’t for the pain I was feeling…but he just held my hand and cried with me. Hands down, the worst experience of our lives. And when I was home later that day and thought it was over I went to the bathroom and passed the baby. I don’t care if it wasn’t a “baby” yet, like my doctor said, to me it was my baby. Seeing my baby floating in the toilet was the emptiest feeling I’ve ever had. I’ll never forget that image. It’ll live engrained in my mind for the rest of my life. For a few seconds I couldn’t feel anything because I felt so empty inside, like a ghost. Finally my husband flushed it and we cried in each other’s arms for a while. I think I was crying for his pain too…it was weird…I was in so much pain over this loss and at the same time feeling incredibly guilty for causing this pain to my husband…because I felt like it was my fault. The baby died in my body, so my body didn’t do its job, I didn’t do my job. No one I’ve spoken to understands what I’ve gone through, or at least that’s what it feels like. It’s not like I’m going around talking to people about it, but I’ve told my family and closest friends and they just tell me it wasn’t meant to be, that we’ll have another and everything is going to be okay. I think what I need is someone who’ll look me straight in the eye and tell me it’s okay to feel horrible, to tell me they understand what I’m going through, to tell me I have a right to feel mad and desperate and resentful. But it hasn’t been a week yet and no one’s asked me how I’m doing. Even my husband is done talking about it, even though I know he thinks about it almost as much as I do. Last night I cried myself to sleep and he held my hand, but he didn’t say anything. Although I don’t think it would have helped if he had.
I’m 28, he’s 29 and we’ve been married for almost 3 years. We had been waiting to try until we both completed grad school which I already had and he had a few months left. We decided to get off contraception and definitely did not expect to get pregnant so quickly but we did and we were thrilled. We hadn’t told anyone yet except my parents and we’re going to wait a couple more weeks to make sure the baby was okay, but obviously that didn’t work out. In those short weeks between finding out I was pregnant and the miscarriage we had made so many plans. Every day I would wake up and I just couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be carrying a baby. Amazed that my husband and I were creating a little human that was part of both of us. Wondering how he or she would look like, thinking of names, going to baby stores to look at stuff we would need. We were the happiest people on earth…and to have this taken away from us, it’s devastating. A cruelty that we didn’t deserve.
The past few days have been long and hard…with the reminder of babies everywhere. Everyone is having babies, getting pregnant, baby shower announcements coming out of the woodwork…its almost too much to bare. And I can’t be happy for anyone right now, not even family. Not yet.
It’s hard to consider that anything positive came out of this, but I think I love my husband more than I ever have. And I think we are closer than ever for going through this together. So maybe that’s the silver lining. And the fact that now we are more than ever convinced about how much we want to be parents and are anxious to try again….although I’m scared to death of another miscarriage.
Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad dream and that I’m going to wake up to find I’m still pregnant. But instead, I’m having dreams that I’m still pregnant, and then I wake up and feel empty.
I don’t think there’s anything that’s going to make this pain go away, however I want to badly to get pregnant again because somehow I think that’s going to ease my loss. But I know I’ll be a complete mess with worries of another miscarriage. Because I don’t think I could go through this again.
2 miscariageshello,my first miscarrage was at 6 weeks.i had bright red bleeding without pain at first but about an hour later i had severe pains in my lower tummy and back.i went to hospital only to be told i couldnt be scanned until tuesday as it was a saturday it happened and scanning wasnt available until then.i was devestated.i knew deep down that i had lost my much longed for baby.on the day of the scan they confirmed id lost the baby and i would keep bleeding for about a week.my second miscarriage happened 3 years later.this time i started bleeding brown blood and at my scan was told my baby was measuring 6 weeks but i was 9 weeks pregnant so the baby had died 3 weeks before and was a missed miscarriage.i was sent home to miscary the baby naturally but i was in terrible pain so i went back to hospital after 2 days of agony and they ofered me a operation to remove the baby which i agreed to.it was so devastating to lose another baby.i am so happy to say that i now have a beautiful baby boy who is 15 months.when i got pregnant again i was terrified that id miscarry again but my pregnancy went very smoothly and im prgnant again.im 11 weeks and im very nervous but hoping everthing will be fine at my scan in a few weks time.i must admit that at one time i thought id never have a baby but ive been blessed with my son so there i hope.hope my story helps.
To liddykinsI lost my baby yesterday I was 8 weeks pregnant, the day that I found I was pregnant naturally was a very happy day, because my doctor had told me my chance of getting pregnant is very low even with IVF. so this was like a miracle to me and my husband, we were so excited eventhough it was too early we were talking about what we have to buy for our baby and which room is going to be his or hers. It was too sad when I left the doctor office with the bad news yesterday, he was staring at my my face and I could say his heart beat at this moment should have been over 100.
our dream turn to sorrow a very big one very fast. we looked for maternity clothing, made fun of how much I ate. I couldn't see his heart broken He was excited and very happy
I don't know how old you are liddykins but I am 43 and very lonely. My family all live across the world and my husband doesn't have so much family and friends too. We are lonely and old that might have been our last chance. If you are still young or below 40 just forget about the past put it behind and try again
Missed miscarriage, want to be pregnant again! helHi all,
I had a missed miscarriage at the end of August. I went for my 12 week scan to find that the baby had no heartbeat and had actually died about 3 weeks earlier. The shock was the worst thing, my boyfriend and I had been so happy and excited and had already bought so many baby things and told so many people. I can honestly say it was the worst day of my life. What made it worse is that I hadn't passed the baby naturally and had to wait 3 days to have a d and c operation.
We decided that we wanted to start trying again straight away and I really thought I would be pregnant before now. Each time I have a period I get so upset and everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant. All I can think about it getting pregnant again and I know I should stop stressing about it but I can't!
Please please give me any tips or stories about how long it took you after miscarriage and or having a d and c.
Baby dust to all of you xx
Hopes and dreamsI am writing this because our baby died. I was pregnant for the first time and at 13 weeks I had a miscarriage. Since it happened I have found that people don’t understand. They don’t want you to talk about it, they want you to forget about it and move on. They think you can replace one baby with a new one. They mean well but its all a bit upsetting and uncomfortable so they would rather pretend nothing is wrong and they hope that you will too.
When I found out I was pregnant it was the best feeling in the world. Then I felt scared, I was worried about the changes to my body. Worried about how we would cope financially. I was tired and drained and emotional. I wanted my first scan because I knew that once I saw a heart beat and little arms and legs it would be real to me. Despite my fears I already loved my baby, I wanted it more than anything in the world. My husband and I would cuddle up in bed and he would put his hand on my stomach. It felt so special.
I had to wait two weeks to see my GP then another 3 to see the midwife. At 13 weeks I had not had a scan and still had no appointment for one. I was getting more and more anxious
The bleeding started but they kept telling me it was nothing. I was desperate for my scan, I think I already knew that something was wrong.
The bleeding got worse, I phoned my GP and they told me not to go to the hospital. They said if I was having a miscarriage there was nothing I could do and their concern was me. My concern was my baby. I ignored them and went to the hospital. They kept telling me there was nothing they could do. They sent me home and told me to come back in the morning to see if the ‘pregnancy was still viable’. What they meant is go home and tomorrow we will see if your baby has died. I kept trying to tell myself that things were alright, I even managed to go to sleep because I knew the morning would come around more quickly if I did. At 5am the pain started. I knew then that there was no hope. We phoned the hospital, there was still nothing they could do. I was in so much pain. I went to the toilet and I saw the blood clots, I began to cry and I felt faint. I banged on the floor to get my huband's attention. The next thing I knew he was shouting ‘we are upstairs’ and the Paramedics came. I was slumped on the toilet with my knickers around my ankles. I felt so embarrassed.
My blood pressure was really low and they put me on a drip and took me to hospital in the ambulance. People kept saying ‘there is nothing we can do to stop it if you are having a miscarriage, we need to make sure you are OK’. I just wanted our baby to live. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I sat in a freezing cold room looking out at the grey sky. They took me for a scan and told me that the pregnancy sack was the size you would expect for 7 weeks not 13. They told me there was something in the sack but that it ‘didn’t resemble a foetus. They said I had to wait to see a doctor. What they meant was ‘your baby has died’ but nobody said the words.
The sister came. She kept talking about ‘managing the miscarriage’. They kept telling me that I was their concern now, that they needed to make sure I was OK. I just wanted our baby not to have died. The doctor came and told me the options for ‘managing the miscarriage’. I just wanted to go home, I was hungry and tired and numb. I wanted to have a wash and feel normal.
I went home and we had visitors. They didn’t want to talk about what had happened. They just kept talking about the future and telling us we could ‘try again’. I didn’t want to think about trying again, the thought of it scared me and I don’t want to ever go through that again. At about 8pm the pain started again. I was doubled up and it was getting worse. I was bleeding and passing ‘stuff’. We phoned the hospital and they asked me if I was bleeding more than normal. How do I know what is normal? They eventually begrudgingly told my husband to bring me in. I was greeted by a nurse called Rachel, she sat me on the bed and said ‘I’m so sorry you have lost your baby, how are you feeling?’. It was the first time anyone had properly asked me how I was ‘feeling’. I will never forget that, or her. She explained to me that I was now having the miscarriage and that as I was at 13 weeks it would be a lot like labour. I was having contractions every few minutes. I was losing so much blood, they kept putting pads on the bed but I was soaking through them, it felt like it was pouring out of me. I had a drip for fluids and they took blood tests. They gave me co- codamol and then morphine. I could smell the blood, it was smeared on my thighs and bottom. It was undignified and horrible. I thought I was bleeding to death. I didn’t want my husband to have to see this. Nobody ever told me that having a miscarriage was like this. I had gas and air and then when the pain subsided I sent my husband home. I got up to go to the toilet and I noticed a large blood clot on the bed. I had to use a cardboard liner in the toilet so they could see if I passed anything. I felt a strange sensation and looked down to see what looked like the pregnancy sack. In a strange way it was a relief, the pain stopped and the nurse told me it was probably over, that I had passed what they thought was the placenta. I managed to sleep then.
I went home. Everyone was kind. I can’t say that they weren’t. I know they loved me and were sorry and sad but the clichés started to come:
Its Nature’s way
Its for the best – there must have been something wrong with the baby
You can try again, you will feel better when you get pregnant again
Its just one of those things
At least it happened now rather than later
Well, it wasn’t really a baby yet
I just wanted to scream that it isn’t for the best, we will never know why it happened, it might be one of those things but it sucks, its awful whenever it happens and it was our baby and replacing it with another one won’t erase the pain. If you break your leg or have an operation or something its fine to sit and talk about it, people revel in the gory details. Nobody wants to hear about a miscarriage. Its taboo, nobody wants to hear what happened and how it feels. Nobody wants me to tell them that I blame myself for going for a jog the day before it happened, or for having rigorous sex. Nobody wants to hear that I thought I was going to bleed to death, that I was frightened to look down because I didn’t want to see our tiny dead baby come out. Nobody wants to hear about how horrible it feels, about the pain and the smell of the blood and the embarrassment and the indignity. Nobody wants to hear about my husband's face when he had to see me like that. I cannot say the words ‘our baby died’ because apparently that is not how you are supposed to feel. We found ourselves making other people feel better, worrying more about not upsetting them than how we really felt.
We hoped and dreamed, we looked at baby clothes and cots and prams. I had just bought my first maternity outfit because my own clothes were too tight. We thought about names. We will never know if it was a boy or a girl, we will never know who he or she may have grown up to be. We wanted our baby so much, we wanted to be a family at long last.I don't really have much of a family of my own so their was so much expectation on this tiny baby. It was only 13 weeks old, tiny but with everything that it needed, it just needed to grow. It was a baby, it was our baby.
I have posted this for everyone who has lost a baby, whatever the circumstances and has felt that they cannot talk about it and has tried to shoulder the unspeakable pain on their own. I hope for better things in the future, for me and for all of you too.
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