Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.
18 week loss
We became pregnant with our 4th child unexpectedly. the pregnancy was difficult, made more so by job loss and stress at home, but we were happy to be adding another child to our family. we took the whole family to our 18 week ultrasound, our 3 other children were so excited to see what we were having. we already had 3 boys and were hoping for a girl. our ultrasound tech got started, went completely silent, and then said he would be right back. I knew something was wrong, I had felt something was wrong for a while, but had let everyone talk me out of it. My husband took our 3 kids out to the car at my request as i just knew something was wrong. I can still hear the tech asking the doctor what to do, i heard the doctor respond that after he was done talking to me i would need some time, so I knew then it wasnt just wrong, i knew my baby had died. our delivery was scheduled for two days later, we were far enough along that i had to deliver. In the hospital they hooked me up to the monitors, including a fetal monitor that never blipped once. on that monitor i could see the other mothers in labor as well. not their names, but i could watch each of their contractions, and worse i could see their fetal monitors with their infants heartbeats. I know that it is done that way so the nurses can keep track of all their patients no matter where they are at but it was heartwrenching to see my fetal heart rate never move next to all those active heart rates. I delivered a little girl at 3 in the after noon. she was 7 inches long, and weighed 4 oz.
it has been 5 months and i still have nightmares, i still cry daily. i ache to hold my baby. I feel completely alone. My life has been completely demolished. I hurt when i see a baby. I am not sure how long i will feel this way, I want to feel normal again. but my child died, and everyone keeps acting as if a miscarriage is commonplace and nothing to get upset over. I just want to scream!!!!!!!!! MY CHILD DIED! I held her lifeless body. It is not commonplace and i am upset. I hate that everyone wants me to move on so quickly. if my parent had died, or my husband had died, i would be grieving, so why not grieve over my child? I hate this.
My Lost Baby GirlMy sweet baby, Calla Katherine, was a super star right up to my due date at 40 weeks - healthy and active.
I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes during my 28th week of pregnancy and as a result, had weekly ultrasounds and fetal heart monitoring. Calla was born on Sunday, April 18th, 2010 and she had been perfect on Friday, April 16th during my last round of fetal monitoring. The regular nurse at the fetal assessment clinic, who I knew very well by that time, was gone away on vacation and a new nurse who I had never met before was filling in. I'll always wonder if she missed something when she did the ultrasound on Friday, April 16th .... one of my many many "what ifs" that I ask myself each and every day.
My water broke at 5:30 a.m. on Sunday, April 18th, 2010 - the day before my due date - I went into the bathroom and looked down to see meconium in the fluid. My contractions immediately came on strong and we rushed to the hospital. They immediately tried to find her heartbeat, but the only one that could find was about 60 bpm - the doctors don't know if that was my heartbeat or the baby's. They rushed me into the OR and performed a crash c-section under general anesthetic but it was too late - the cord was wrapped around her neck 5 times and she was already gone.
Because I was completely out during the surgery, they had to intubate me and my husband was not allowed to come in - he was left outside in the hallway pacing, wondering what was going on and if he had lost both of us. When I finally woke up, I couldn't remember where I was or why we were there and then the moment I will relive every minute of every day for the rest of my life - my husband, tears spilling down his cheeks, saying "Amy, the baby didn't make it." .... and with those words my life came tumbling down around me.
We did get to hold her before they took her away and we have lots of pictures of her as well. I'll never forget how she smelled, her dark hair, her pouty lips or her tiny hands and feet. But it rips my heart out to know that I never saw her eyes, I never heard her cry and that I'll never get to see her smile and laugh. I want to believe that she's in heaven and that I'll see her again someday - when I think of her in heaven, strangely, I don't think of her as a baby, I see her as a bouncy, lively 5-year-old with long dark pigtails running around skipping and playing hike-and-seek.
Because I can't put up any pictures of her around our home, I have resorted to calla lillies - I have calla lillies everywhere and I think of my sweet girl everytime I see them. You can't help but ask "why did this happen to me" and "what could I have done to save her". You relive the day you lost your baby over and over in your mind. I am envious of new mothers and their babies, even my closest friends. It isn't fair - that they get to hold their babies every day and all I have is a headstone.
Leaving the hospital without my baby girl was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. The funeral service was difficult, but I had steeled myself so much just to get through the day that I felt numb during the entire service, as did my husband. People cried hysterically around us and we just sat there looking at each other - not crying, not seeing, not feeling, just waiting for the day to be over, when everyone would go back to their regular lives and leave my husband and I alone with our grief.
It's been 3 months now and while the support of our friends and family has been overwhelming, it's hard for them to understand or to know what to say ..... time heals all wounds ..... everything happens for a reason ..... you're young, you'll be able to have another baby .... Even though such words are spoken with the best of intentions, they do absolutely nothing to ease my pain and serve only to make me more angry. We are already trying to conceive again and are hopeful that we'll be pregnant again soon and that every thing will work out the second time around - I now think of the moment when her little brother or sister is old enough to understand and I tell them about their big sister Calla and how much we love and miss her. Until then, I keep what little memories I have of my baby girl close to my heart so that I don't lose them too.
Heart, mind, and body at warMy husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 7 months. I planned and charted, and finally the day came when I could finally tell my husband he would be a father. I took four pregnancy tests just to be sure. That night, I gave my husband a baby's sleeper with the words "you're a daddy" written across the front. He couldn't believe the good news and we rushed around telling everyone we could. For two weeks we went shopping for the baby, talked about the baby, and planned for this baby. Over the fourth of July weekend, we went camping with my family. I woke up the first morning of camping with a light bleeding. I panicked and quickly ran to my mother. She tried to calm me, but I knew in my heart this wasn't good. I researched online about causes of bleeding during pregnancy, and found that some women may have periods during their pregnancy or implantation bleeding. I wished, hoped, and prayed that this was simply what I was experiencing, but I knew. It was awful because I felt as though my heart and my body were at war. My heart wanted this baby so badly, but my body didn't for whatever reason. Overall my body won the war, no matter how hard my heart willed it not to. Today I went for a blood test to find out for sure if I was still pregnant. An awful and uncaring nurse broke the news to me, without feeling or concern. She simply told me the test was negative and she thought I should see a doctor to make sure nothing was seriously wrong. Now I am left with an empty feeling and despair. I am worried about getting pregnant again and fearful that this will happen to us again. We wanted this baby so badly, and we cannot understand why this happened to us. I am ready to start trying again, as I have known in my heart for some time that I lost this baby. I cried and went into a depression, but now, even though I am sad, I feel at peace because I know for sure. I want a baby more than anything and as soon as it is, I feel right. I plan on waiting a little while so that my body can heal, but I am asking for prayers and keep us in your thoughts. A baby would complete mine and my husband's life and we just hope God hears and answers these prayers.
lossed my baby girl at 31 weeksi had a perfect pregnancy up until june 23,2010 well so i thought i woke at 5am and felt jordyn move but after that i felt nothing all day i kept complaining to my husband and co workers that i didn't feel her moving all day and everyone kept reassuring me that she was just tired and sleeping but my instincts kept telling me other wise so i called the dr and told them i was coming in, and so i did and sure enough when we did the ultra sound there was no movement and my baby girl expired!!!!!!!!!!!! so i went to the hospital and they enduced my labor and i had her june 24 2010 3lbs2oz she was so beautiful.. i didnt get an autopsy done because my dr said it was obvious that her cord was knotted up and started to sever from her navel of course i question why me? how did this happen?where did i go wrong ,and could this be prevented or could she be saved i complied with every test every dr visit i just dont know my last visit was at 28weeks and her heart beat was very strong but i asked for a picture and my dr said next time but there was no next time the next time we went which was my 31 weeks and we did the u/s she had expired....now that this has happend i've heard about so many other womens similar stories but non exactly the same as mines
The Lost Hope...This would be my 2nd pregnancy and 2nd loss. Right now, I am feeling like a disappointment and very frustrated and very sad. What is bothering me so much is that I am a very young and healthy woman, but cannot have a normal pregnancy. The little hope I had was diminished when I shed my first clot. I was told I had a chance, but that was taken from me. I don't know what to think or how to react. My heart is broken and I feel like I'll never be able to have a healthy baby.
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