Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.
saying goodbye to mini me
hi everyone just a week ago i was in the hospital learning of the most devastating news that my 5 month old unborn child no longer had a heartbeat it was pretty late on thursday evening when i started experiencing what felt like really strong menstrual cramps i thought it was gas and i went to the restroom and discovered bright red blood all over my underwear i screamed for my husband as fear set in i had just been to see my doctor that morning and noticed an unusual mucous discharge he examined me and assured me i was ok so i went on about my day as usual i took my niece and our new puppy to the park thinking everything was going to be fine after my screams my husband rushed to my side i was still on the toilet and felt something gush out of me and hit the water i new that was bad my water had broken way too soon i cried and we rushed to the emergency room but it was too late all my fluid had leaked out i passed the umbilical cord at the hospital which we later assumed was what had cut off the babys oxygen supply it was inevitable i had to deliver i didnt even know until that day we were having a boy what a horrible way to find out i had to make a decision fast to have a c-section was everyones advice bcuz the baby was still breech if i wanted a chance to see him at all it was the best way i screamed and cried i havent gone a day yet w/out crying i was so scared and i didnt want to lose my baby for a second time you see i lost one at 5 months about 12 years ago then too the emotional pain was just undescribable now not only am i in emotional pain but physical pain from the surgery on top of that when i got home i got a cold runny nose excrusiatingly painful to cough i have all this pain, unanswered questions,need a specialist to find out why this happens at 5 months maybe i cant carry full term i know all about grieving from before but it doesnt make it hurt any less i hope this doesnt mean i cant ever have children my husband and i have never been so hurt by anything in our lives we were almost there its just not fair all of our hopes and plans have died with little michael edward rogan 3/5/2010-3/5/2010
Stillborn at 23.5 Weeks :(I'm 20 years old. I have a 4 year old girl named Kylie. She is the love of my life. I had a miscarriage 9 months ago, and had a baby "born sleeping" only 4 days ago :( The miscarriage happened very very early and didn't phase me a whole lot, but my loss only a few short days ago is unbareable.
My pregnancy was not an easy one. When I was 18 weeks pregnant, our baby girl was diagnosed with gastroschisis (a protrusion of abdominal contents through the abdominal wall without involving the umbilical cord). Her gastroschisis was rare and involved the intestines, liver and later on the stomach. All of these organs were outside of her belly. Typically, this birth defect has a 90% chance survival rate after surgery, but our baby fell into the 10% that don't. Within the next month or so, she got sicker and sicker and problems started occurring with her heart. (We are still not sure what caused heart problems). We had an amnio done that showed a perfectly healthy child, but there is some underlying reason that fluid started collecting around her heart (which led to heart failure). On Monday, March 1st, our ultrasound detected that baby Sophia's heart was no longer beating.
On March 2, 2010, (only 4 days ago :'( ) Sophia was born into the world stillborn. She weighed 15 ounces and was 11 inches long. Although she wasn't alive, the hospital offered us the choice to spend the day with her. We feel very fortunate for having a chance to do that. We took many pictures. She was 3 1/2 months premature so she was very delicate looking and of course small. She was the most beautiful little baby I have ever seen. So perfect in every way... We love her so much and she will never ever be forgotten. :'( Her older sister, Kylie (my 4 year old) was so thrilled that she was going to have a baby sister. It has been so hard trying to explain this to her in a way she understands. She still thinks her baby sister is going to come home...
We expected the baby may not make it due to all of her problems, but it doesn't make it any easier. When we got news that she only had a 5% chance of survival, I talked to her (as weird as it sounds) and told her that it was okay for her to stop fighting so hard. I know in my heart that she died that night and I feel at peace, just a little, to know that she heard me. Although, I feel that there is no better place for her then in my arms, I am slowly accepting that she is in a better place. I cry many times a day and waiting for her autopsy report and her body to be cremated is torture.. I'm in college and trying to take finals and I just don't want to do anything. I have to try and be strong for my 4 year old daughter though.
If anyone has a similar experience with stillbirth and wants to talk, email me at [email protected]. I feel like it might help to talk to someone that has actually been through this.
Sophia- An Angel's Heart Too Good For This Earth. Rest in peace beautiful angel.
Early and Painful LossI was so happy that my DH had finally agreed to start trying for our second child. Our son is 4. We conceived on our second try. I started getting PG symptoms a few days before my period was even due, such as digestive issues, bleeding gums, and increased appetite. Both my DH and I were excited when I got two pink lines on the day my period was due. I excitedly hauled out my old baby stuff and went through it, went through my closet and picked out clothes I could wear while pregnant, and informed our families of the news. But early on, this pregnancy felt a bit "off," and different. I felt weak and panicky. I didn't "feel" pregnant, which I know is common enough in the first trimester; I had a hard time feeling like a pregnant person. I felt completely out of place in my midwife's office, with all the photo's of huge bellies and squishy newborns.
My loss started with a dream. Several nights before I began spotting, I had a very disturbing dream. I was looking at a bunch of dead and sickly fish in a fish tank. I was very troubled by this dream, but decided not to look it up in a dream dictionary, since I just didn't want to find out the meaning of it. The morning when I began to spot, I decided to look up my dream. The meaning was clear-my baby was dead. Pregnant women often dream of swimming fish. Since my fish were dead, I knew it was over. The MW tried to reassure me that spotting is not uncommon, but I have had far too many experiences of prophetic dreams to believe that my baby would be OK. I ended up in the ER a couple of days later when bleeding finally commenced, because of terrible pain in my side. I was checked for an ectopic pregnancy, which did not occur. The hospital staff were wonderfully kind to me, and it is something I will always remember and appreciate. For two days, I was so grief-stricken that I could barely get off the couch. It was a deeply physical impact-my sadness had thoroughly zapped me, and I was an invalid, shuffling around and speaking quietly. At first I felt that I never wanted to TTC again. It's so painful to prepare for one of life's most beautiful events, only to have it so cruelly taken away. I'm still not finished with my MC, but I'm already feeling like, yes, I want to do this again. I don't want my last experience of pregnancy to be of something so negative. So I'm hoping and praying for a healthy baby sometime soon, not just for me but for all the mamas with broken hearts and empty bellies.
I Went Like a ButterflyI was first 19 when my husband and I found out we were having our first child. We've been trying for the past year, and it was tough. When I took over twenty pregnancy tests, the twenty first one was the best. I told my husband and he was happy.
I was sick all the time. I knew this was probably morning sickness--it wasn't, It was the flu, and I was diagnosed with it. I was scared it would affect my baby, so I went to the doctor's for the first ultrasound. After a while, they searched for the baby's heartbeat. They told me news: I was pregnant with twins.
After a while, I grew scared. Twins! I was excited. But then for the second ultrasound, they told me there was supposed to be two eggs; on of them was missing. They told me the other baby was fine and would survive throughout the pregnancy, but the other baby was miscarried. I cried that evening in my husband's arms.
Nine months passed and I had the baby. I was going to name the two of them, supposed to be two girls, Alice and Savannah. I chose Alice over Savannah because Alice was what the baby looked like. We had Alice Savannah Jones. In honor of Savannah.
Savannah's empty grave was buried near a beach by the water. We visit there once every three or four years.
I went like a butterfly. Graceful on the outside, but hurting on the inside. I held on.
All I have to say is...
Never Give Up
Goodbye My Little girlI was 39 weeks and still working, although the hospital had dated me 37 weeks i knew when I'd had my period and was sticking to my dates. We couldn't afford for me to give up work right away I needed to continue to work right up until it happened.
It was a wednesday lunch time and me and my friend from work went out for lunch as we always did everyday, I was excited I had two days left at work before I finally finished. I had worked so hard with my sales throughout I really needed and longed for the time off to have baby. This particular day I was walking back to my office and I suddenly felt wet down below. I straight away thought maybe this is the plug, so wasting no time went straight to the toilet. Nothing. Only discharge and liquid soaked my knickers. I decided something may be wrong or something was happening so called my local community midwife. After waiting an hour I still hadn't received a call back so I got in my car and drove to the local clinic. There my favourite midwife examined my knickers went through my symptoms I stated I hadn't felt as much movement that day that I had usually. She called the hospital and sent me up in early labour.
When I arrived I was excited! I though this might actually be the time! I was so excited to meet the baby and I knew my husband would be so happy. Straight away as I walked through the pregnancy ward I noticed there wasn't a lot of staff and the place was overflowing with ladies in labour. The stuck me in a back room took my notes and disappeared. About 30mins later they finally came back witht the heart moniter machine which the midwife attached to me and baby straight away started moving excessivley! The midwife asked me to press this black button everytime I felt a movement. Well for the whole half an hour I pressed that button continuously!
After about an hour the midwife came back, took my heart moniter notes and said the doctor will be round soon to examine you. She was going to use the cough test to determine whether I had lost my waters. I waited, the doctor came. A little spanish lady doctor, didn't say a lot. mentioned they were very short staffed took a quick peek I coughted and sent me home saying I had weeks to go. Considering this baby was my first I took that as gospel, was a little disappointed I wasn't going to meet baby yet, but also felt a total pain in the butt for the hospital as I left.
The friday came I finished work, I had felt movements and hadn't experienced any more fluid loss, so decided the hospital was right to send me home I wasn't losing my waters etc. The weekend passed myself and my Husband was decorating due to new carpets being delievered the following thursday. We kept ourseves busy. On that saturday I had started to notice less movement, I had a bath, baby kicked, I used a baby doppler and found the heartbeat straight away, although I still didn't feel completely safe that everything was ok I never thought in a million years and hadnt been made aware through any of my pregnancy the risks attached to reduced fetal movements. We stayed in that night, had a take out baby was kicking so felt ok....
Sunday came we finished off the decor and went round the in laws for tea....Monday.
Monday was the worst day of my entire life. I woke up ealry shocked for some reason. Panicked. I went straight to find my husband who was leaving for work. I asked him to help me make baby move (baby always kicked for him!). After half hour of rubbing my belly baby hadn't kicked. I pleaded with my husband to go to work even though I was totally scared out of my wits! I called my mother who lives in Cyprus and cried my eyes out. She said I need to get to the hospital straight away. So I called the pregnancy ward who initally hung up on me. I called again and they said cant you come later we are really busy at the moment. I was livid!! I decided to stuff what they said and drove straight there.
Once arriving at the hospital they finally asigned me a bed after almost an hour of waiting. They wheeled the heart moniter machine to me and thats when my life changed forever. No heartbeat. After two head midwife's not being able to fine babies heartbeat I was uncontrolably crying. They told me calm down I was scaring the other mum's-to-be. They finally took me to get scanned and confirmed my baby girl had died. I was 39weeks and 4days by my date's. I remember looking up and this very irratating sonographer and her voice went through my body like electric shocks. She said Im so sorry Emma baby is gone. I was in total shock. My father called me soon after (also lived in Cyrpus) I just remeber my mum's screams in the background as I told my father the dreaded news. It was a good half hour before any family could arrive to see me. I sat motionaless staring into space looking at only the walls praying my husband when he arrived wouldn't blame me as musch I blamed myself.
The first thing I said to him was please dont leave me.
He totally dissmissed the idea and cuddled me harder than he ever had. I insisted they induced me so i could hold my baby girl. Which they did (surprising how the attitudes change when the baby dies) suddenly your not a pain in the backside anymore. They put the first gel on my cervix only to realise I had already started dilating.
My parents arrived about 9pm that night. It was the first time they had seen me pregnant. My mum just cried and cried and cried. Early hours the following day I gave birth to baby Layla, I didn't want all the sodding pain relief they kept pleading with me to have. I wanted to feel every single bit of Pain I possibly could. I deserved it.
I held baby Layla and she was so beautiful it took my breathe away. She looked like at any moment she would start to breathe. I prayed she would and that all of it was a massive mistake.
They found nothing wrong with me or Layla. No infections, no placenta problems, the post mortum showed nothing other than a perfect healthy baby girl. The only thing that did confuse the hospital was when Layla was born there was no fluid surrounding her at all. It had all gone.
Its almost a year on now. The 10th of March 2009 Layla was born. Me and my husband go to see her grave as much as we can. It still hurts me even writting this has made me cry so hard.
But life does go on. I am currently 16weeks pregnant with a baby boy. He will be due on the 30th of July this year. It's been very difficult not to feel anxious. Ive done everything by the books and the hospital have been very good with us this time round. I wish anyone who has been through a simular experience all the luck in dealing with the grief. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
But I am looking forward to July and hope with every single bit of hope this baby I get to see breathing at the end.
Emma Stevens...Aged 22 years old.
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