Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.
"I'm sorry...we can't find a heartbeat."
Those words still bring tears to my eyes. It's been six days and I feel that lump in the throat when I read that sentence. It's the one that you try so hard to swallow down, but it seems like nothing can make it go away. Nothing but hot tears streaming uncontrollably down your cold cheeks.
Talking about it has helped a lot, so I figure the best way to get past all of this is to write about it. So here is my story.
I had a miscarriage.
That was last week. This story begins several years ago. My husband asked me about two years ago if I was ready for kids because he "didn't want to be an old dad." (I'm 27 now and he's 28) But I wasn't ready.
Last year, we celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary and I told him over a candlelit dinner that I wanted to have children. We'd paid off our credit cards, we both had stable jobs and we owned our own home. I felt like the timing was finally right in my life. He was excited and surprised to say the least.
A few months later I got off of the pill. At first, my periods were a slight disappointment, but there was "always next month." After four months of failure I convinced myself I was pregnant. Turned out it was just a stressful month and my cycle was irregular. I cried the night my period started. I started to lose hope. I couldn't understand why this wasn't happening as quickly as I wanted it to. I wanted this so badly.
We decided to get away from it all and take a long weekend in Vegas. One of my best friends and her husband met us there. I had cramping in the airport on the way there. I figured my period was starting again, so I didn't think much of it. After three days in Vegas, my friend convinced me to take a pregnancy test.
It was positive.
And so was the one after that.
I cried, I shook, I was absolutely in shock. I was so happy, so elated. So scared. I was in utter bliss after that moment. My dream--our dream, had finally come true.
As soon as we got back home I started to feel sick and have severe cramping. I cramped so badly I woke up in the middle of the night unable to breathe or even cry. I called the doctor and she suggested I have my blood tested. My hormones were "a little on the low side." So at six weeks, she prescribed some hormones for me to take.
At eight weeks I had my first ultrasound. The ultrasound technician turned off all of the lights in the room. The only thing turned on was the monitor hanging on the wall. The room was consumed with the sound of the pounding of that little heart. "There's your baby" she told me cheerfully. It was so surreal. It was so wonderful. It was terrifying. I really did have this little baby growing inside of me.
I heard the heart beat. I saw the heart beat. It was a little slow and since I've researched everything to death I automatically recognized that there was a problem.
Later the doctor mentioned it to me in passing. She suggested I take another blood test and come back in two weeks to monitor the heart rate. She also mentioned the baby was only measuring 7 1/2 weeks. But she didn't seem alarmed. If anything she seemed optimistic. She was my personal cheerleader.
The next day I got the call I was dreading. My hormone levels were still too low. I found out that at 6 weeks my progesterone was only at 15 and should've been at 20. At 8 weeks, my progesterone was still at 15...that was with my intake of hormone supplements. It should've been at 25...on my own. The nurse told me to increase my hormone supplements some more.
As soon as I hung up the phone I burst into tears. For the first time in this pregnancy, I was really terrified for my baby. I was so scared. I was so utterly helpless.
The following weeks consisted of me trying to be even healthier, going for walks with my dogs, eating more fruits. I did everything I could to make this baby healthy. I took my hormones, my pre-natal vitamins and I avoided anything that I had read anywhere could possibly be harmful.
At 10 weeks I went into my precautionary ultrasound. My heart raced and I felt more nervous than I had ever been in my life. I had a different ultrasound technician, she seemed confused as to why I was there. I explained the low heart rate to her. So she began the ultrasound.
Silence overpowered the room. Then I saw the baby. I was so relieved to see it. The technician asked me a second time how far along I was.
"This baby is only 7 1/2 weeks along."
Someone please wake me up.
She left to get the doctor to "get a second opinion." The ultrasound technician who does ultrasounds all day long. The woman who earns her living looking at fetuses and listening to their tiny hearts beat was getting a second opinion...
I laid on the cold table begging myself to keep it together. Begging and willing myself not to cry.
She came back in without a doctor, but had a small teddy bear in her hand. I thought to myself, please tell me they don't give you a teddy bear to console you for the loss of your child. That's when I recognized it as a breast cancer bear.
"Look what someone gave me in the hallway. I had breast cancer five years ago." She went through and told me about her very personal and private fight with cancer.
That's when I was positive my baby was dead.
Why else would a complete stranger tell me these events of her life, other than to offer me hope and perspective. Yes it's a horrible thing, but hey, it's not cancer.
Then my cheerleader came in. She checked the ultrasound again. The picture this time was very clear. The baby had not grown. The baby had no heart beat. My baby was gone.
"Are you alone here today?"
That's when she told me the words that I would've done anything not to hear.
I burst into uncontrollable sobs. I lost all of my self-control. I became a blubbering mess. I was so embarrassed. I was ashamed. I couldn't think straight at all.
They led me to another room to sob in silence for a few minutes. All I wanted to do was leave. I wanted to run out of there crying. I wanted to crawl into my bed and sob until I couldn't breathe anymore. I wanted to erase all of this.
But I sat in that room. I sat in that room and tried to compose myself. I was halfway there, when the doctor came in to discuss my "options."
Wait for it to happen, or make it happen.
I decided for the surgery. I wanted to put this all behind me. I wanted to forget. I wanted to pretend like nothing ever happened.
But it did happen.
The rest of that day I spent telling the people I love and care about the most that I had lost my precious gift. The thing I wanted so badly was gone forever. Each time I told someone it became more real to me. It forced me to accept this undeniable truth. And no matter how much I was consoled about "next time it'll work out" it'll never bring this baby back.
I kept trying to remain logical about it...It wasn't meant to be...It was for the best...Something was wrong with it...It was still early in the pregnancy...It could've been worse...
All of these things help, but not enough. The questions that flew through my mind that weekend were overwhelming. I went from complete sorrow to utter rage. Why did this happen to us? We are good people! What did I do wrong?! Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why do I have to be a statistic? I don't care that it happens to 1 in 4 women. Why me? Why us? WHY?!
Then I began to feel contempt and jealousy for any pregnant woman or woman carrying a baby. She's not taking care of it. She's not a good mother. I could do so much better. This isn't fair. It isn't right. She doesn't deserve that baby.
Yes. I thought those things. I felt those things. I said those things. I spewed hatred for anyone who had what I lost. People who knew nothing of my situation. People blissfully unaware. People who had the most amazing gift of all.
I hated myself for thinking those thoughts. I hated the person I was becoming.
My dad used to say "it takes a significant emotional event to change a person." Those words rang through my ears as I contemplated whether or not I was to change. And what would I change into? A hateful, barren woman who avoided children at all costs? That's not who I want to be. I love kids and I always have. I've felt nothing but joy for parents-to-be.
My family and friends have tried their best to offer their help. Everyone has different ways of helping and all of them in their own way have helped me immensely whether they realize it or not.
My husband has been nothing but supportive these past few days. My personal comedian and entertainer. He's done everything he could to lift my spirits and help me get past this. I worry about him. He doesn't really talk about it, but I know he's trying to get through this just as I am. I don't know if I could've made it through this without him. He's been my rock. Even as I relapsed this past weekend into sobs of anger and sorrow he was there for me. Consoling me every step of the way. I've always known it, but this experience has shown me that we truly can get through anything together. We are an inseparable team.
I had my D&C a few days later. The medical term sounds so much nicer than what it really is. So much nice than "removing my dead baby from my womb." My D&C. I was scared and I was nervous. Without going into too much detail, I was put under full anesthesia and felt nothing but some cramps afterward. When I woke up my first thought was "it's done" and a tear filled my eye. But I quickly remembered where I was, and pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind. I was released the same day and brought home to rest.
Going back to work was nerve wrecking. I didn't think it would be. But the night before I hardly slept a wink. I was so worried about the stares, the thoughts. The looks of pity. I didn't want that. I just want to put it behind me. It was nothing like I pictured. I was accepted back to work just as I had been before. Nothing was mentioned. Nothing was said. It was just as I had requested and for that I'm unbelievably gracious.
I hope someday my dream will come true. But it doesn't change the fact that this baby is gone. What happens in Vegas, apparently does stay in Vegas. Because I will never hear my baby cry or hold it in my arms.
And I can never bring it back again. Ever. It's gone.
losing my baby girlhi there am 30 yrs old have 5 beautiful children and was pregnant with my 6th who was a little girl who we named casey leigh i was almost full term when i went into labour at 11 pm on 19.09.09 but then at 1am on 20.09.09 i rang my local hospital as i wasnt feeling too well but was told they were short staffed and really busy would i mind ringing bk in an hour i told them everything but stupidly put my trust in experinced midwifes, i rang bk at 2am and was told i could now go in but once at the hospital the worst thing in my life had happened they couldnt find my babys heartbeat i felt numb but had to carry on in labour to deliver my angel baby i cant put into words how i felt when casey leigh was born at 4.35 am on 20.09.09 it felt like my world had been turned upside down she was perfect ,after a few hours a was allowed home where i cried and cried for days then came to arranging her funeral as any parent can imagine this too was the hardest thing i have ever had to too ,the funeral was arranged the tiny white coffin in front of me had my casey leigh in and oh my god i cant say how much i wish i was in there instead the day passed in a daze and aload of tears for me but remember casey leigh you will always be remembered and loved, i now feel very angry towards my local hospital and have no trust left in them all i can say to any mother to be is you no yourself best if you feel something isnt right please take yourself to your hospital and get checked out even if its nothing please be safe rather than sorry cos each day in grieving for my baby girl i blame myself for trusting and not going straight to hospital its now 1 month since i lost my casey leigh i visit her special garden as much as possible but it still hasnt got any easier i still feel very lost xxxxxx
My first pregnancy=My first miscarriageHello to all. I am 29 years old and I have had my first pregnancy and my first miscarriage this year. I have never had any issues regarding my period cycle, 4 day average, regular flow, light to moderate cramps, moodiness, cycle came like clock-work, etc.
How it all started-
My periods come regularly, every month. So needless to say, when I was 3 weeks late for my monthly monster, I started to get somewhat suspicious. I waited for a month before taking a home preg test, just to see. Finally I made myself buy the pretty pink tests. To my complete and faint spell inducing suprise the test was positive. (Very faint pink line, but positive) I told my fiance and we went through all the emotions, shock, fear, and finally happy as pigs in slop. We told only a few very close friends and relatives who were all very supportive and happy. We didnt want to make in general public knowledge, "just in case something went wrong". Naturally, I couldnt hold it in for long, I was extremely happy and couldnt keep it to the few that already knew. The following 4 weeks were incredible. I never knew that knowing you were growing a human could be so euphoric and dreamy. I guess I didnt realize how much I would enjoy being a momma.
The Beginning of the End-
I was at 8 wks along, and feeling like I was continuously floating through everything I did. I was just starting to get use to the tender breasts, the instant sickness from out of nowhere, the way I felt like bawling my eyes out over just about everything, having to pee like mad at any given moment and the sudden need to eat a potato, any potato, it didnt matter.
On Memorial day 2009, it was like any regular day. I went to bed that night feeling perfectly fine. At about 2am, I woke up to pee again. I was sitting there and naturally I noticed this itsy bitsy tinsy speck of what looked liked faint pink blood on my undies. I panicked. I knew for some reason that I was doomed for a miscarriage. I immediately grabbed my purse launched myself into my truck and drove to the local ER. I waited...and waited...and waited some more. FINALLY I was called to my room where they drew 20 gallons of blood, made me take a pee test, and then go back and wait for another 2 hours. I waited...I waited...and, yep you guessed it, I waited some more. At about 4am they called me back to do the U/S, then proceeded to do a vagianal U/S. Let me add that the man who did my U/s's deemed it necessary to tell me, "This is what I call my magic stick", when he whipped out that 20 foot ram rod he was going to put inside me. What a joker that guy. He was rough on my insides when he did the vaginal U/S. It actually hurt like nothing else I have felt. And I can tell you that I am an active girl, I own/ride horses and have been kicked, bitten, stomped, and waylayed by these 1000+ pound animals, and the pain from the vag U/S was by far worse than taking a well placed kick by a horse. When he was done, he wouldnt tell me anything. All he said was, "Ok, just have a seat and the ER doc will be with you shortly". Right, shortly, whatever you say man. So, guess what I did? You got it, I waited...and I waited...and I waited some more. At about 6:15am, they take me back and say everything looks good, not to panick yet. They called it a "threatened abortion". Nice phrase to hear huh? Told me to go home and rest, not to over-work myself. Ok, Good. Im more relaxed at this point. I get home, crawl back into bed where my fiance is still sleeping and fall into a much needed sleep. 5 Hours later I wake up with what I call the bubble guts. You know that feeling where your stomach makes all the gurgle noises and you need to make a #2 quicker than all get out? Thats what I felt. I hauled it to the bathroom dropped my undies and fell onto the toilet. I looked down and saw a great amount of blood, and at that very second I got cramps that I thought were going to kill me at that exact moment. I almost crawled out of the bathroom because of the pain. I was crying and bent in half. There is nothing like that most certain moment where you know you are losing a much loved "baby". It took about 3 hours for the cramping to stop. The bleeding went on for close to 5 or 6 days. On the 4th day, I had to pass some gas, and when I pushed it out, I felt something weird and somewhat large come out of my girly parts. I rushed to the restroom to see what was going down, and to add to the already horrible emotional pain, I saw what was an 8 wk fetus, I guess thats what they are called. That was the inevitable moment of confirmation. I fell to pieces right there, I already had fallen apart at the on set of the miscarriage, but to see this little life that wasnt going to be a part of mine, was crushing.
I went back to the ER, they gave me some pain pills for the discomfort, and shuffled me out the door. I never had a DNC because they didnt suggest it. I am thinking it was because I was so early on in the pregnancy.
Here it is October 19th, 2009. It is 5 months after and I still cant let it go. I will never be able to. After being pregnant, and then miscarrying, made me want a baby even more. I am so paranoid that I will never carry full term in the future. Im also extremely paranoid that because I am pushing 30, that my body will make it harder to even concieve. I have made up in my mind that I had one, and only one shot at ever being a momma. I think about it everyday, I cant stop. At one point I was even jealous about the 14 year olds walking around at 8 and 9 months pregnant. I was jealous of all the bad people in the world who were popping out babies left and right. I was looking for soewhere to lay the blame. I know that something wasnt developing right, and that is why Mother Nature did her job when she did. I want a baby so bad my uterus practically flutters when I hold somebody elses baby. It will happen, thats what I have to keep telling myself.
That pretty much wraps up my story. I admit that finally writing about it does actually make it a tad bit better.
To all that are trying to get pregnant, I wish you all the best, truly. I wish no one ever had to know the pain of a miscarriage...
5 MONTH PREGNACYI DID NOT HAVE A DOCTOR YET AND I WAS IN AND OUT OF THE HOSPITAL FOR ABOUT 2 MONTHS AND EVERY TIME THEY KEPT HAVING A HARD TIME FINDING HEART BEAT AND THEN ALL THE SUDDEN SAY ITS THERE AND FOR SOME REASON EVERY TIME THEY KEPT SAYING I WAS ONLY 13 WEEKS I NEW BETTER AND I TOLD THEM BUT THEY SEND ME HOME TELLING ME EVERYTHINGS OKAY FINALLY I TOLD THEM I WASNT LEAVIING TILL I HEARD MY BABY HEART BEAT THEY DID AN ULTRA SOUND AND FOUND THEY BABY WAS NO LONGER ALIVE THEN SENT ME HOME AND WOULD NOT TAKE IT OUT IT TOCK ANOTHER WEEK TO SEE A DOCTOR HE SENT ME HOME WITH MEDICINE THAT NIGHT I WENT INTO LABOR AND DILEVERED MY BABY AT HOME STILL ATTATCHED TO CORD WHEN I GOT TO ER IT WAS ABOUT 2 HOURS THEY LEFT THE BABY STILL HANGING OUT OF ME ATTATCHED TO THE CORD BREAKING MY HEART EVEN MORE AFTER THE DOCTOER DID THE DNC HE NEVER CAME IN TO TALK TO ME OR NOTHING JUST SENT ME HOME
unexpected love from aboveHello my name is mireya, I was actually 16 years old when I found out I was pregnant, yes I know I was way too young to know how big the responsibilities are, but it happened. When I found out it was so unexpected, I was in Planned Parenthood to receive my next 3 birth control pills when I found out. Pregnancy test never crossed my mind because I was always on protection. From “the pill” to condoms and even plan B, so it never entered my mind to test, but it’s mandatory before getting equipped with pregnancy protection besides the condoms. Well anyways I was sitting waiting for my results when the lady called me in the back, I thought it was odd for her to do that since they’ve always handed me my pills over the counter. Well on my way back there she told me if I wanted my boyfriend (at the time) to join me. I said no need for that. So while I sat down again she told me that I was indeed pregnant… I was shocked more disappointed than anything. I felt confused, sad and just hurt for the most part. I told my boyfriend and he was to opposite he was excited happy and full of joy... I didn’t get it but I didn’t feel the same... While I sat down and tried to figure out how.. my aunt told me that when its time its time weather protection or no protection so I just took that advise in. 2 days later I had an appointment with my OB, to see how far I was, I thought I would be at least 2 weeks but I was wrong I happened to be 8weeks along, I was so confused about everything but once I seen my ultra sound I was in love for the first time. I felt warmth love and everything all at once just to know this god given miracle was growing inside of me. The next day’s reality just was on its mission. I has picked out names and everything.. I was getting so attached I felt great I was doing well in school they offered me so many things to help me through the pregnancy, I was over whelmed with everything (in the good way). So I was called in for a follow up appointment for an ultrasound, and everything was great I was 11weeks and going strong… I felt great. I broke the news to my family and they didn’t seem to be at my level of enthusiasm. My father was so angry and disappointed I expected that from him but not as far as trying to force me to an abortion he literally forced me to get one… gave me so much stress because I was living with him. I couldn’t do much no more doctor appointment I missed one. I finally broke down with so much pain that I told my mother about the situation with my father. So I moved in with people who supported me and my little family to be,(my boyfriends mothers house). They were great I had no problem with anything. 2 weeks after that I noticed some spotting but I knew that was normal the doctors had informed me of that, but everything was alright then a few hours later I notice a heavier bleeding I told my boyfriend’s mother and she immediately took me to the emergency. They had told me I was having a miscarriage!! I was melted down I was torn open I felt like my life just ended… I had so many emotion stings that I put my head down and cried my life away. But I knew it wasn’t over yet I had so much disbelief that I was thinking they could be wrong maybe god just made this a little difficult cause I’m young but no on my way back home I had sharp pains in my lower stomach I took some ibprophens to take the pain away. And it worked the pains stopped and I was taking a warm bath to ease my pain and it all went well until the tub went red! The tub yes was indeed filled with blood I was so scared that I couldn’t even scream or know how to react. As I put my hand down into the water I noticed that I felt a hard like object brush against my arm I slowed down to see what it was and it was my BABY. The whole little body on my palm… my tears fled down my checks as I just kept starring… putting all my hate toward GOD, from then on I isolated myself from everyone started with my boyfriend and then to my dad and mom and eventually everyone(friends family and everyone) and slowly and slowly I lost everyone I loved. I became so depressed that in the first 2 weeks after that I lost 30 pound I couldn’t eat nor sleep I was no one no strength no hope nor faith… but now I’m 19 years old and moved on but will never forget
My little baby lesson 13weeks lost and now I’m 2 years... ill never forget my baby I will always be a mother through god’s eyes
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