Dealing with a miscarriage can be devastating. While many may pass off a miscarriage as a pregnancy that "just wasn't meant to be", these words rarely help to relieve your grief. Although a miscarriage can be an isolating experience, it doesn't have to be. Women who are or who have previously dealt with a miscarriage are often a great resource to those currently suffering from a pregnancy loss. Share your words with us and share your support with other women.
giving birth to an angel
the title i chose may sound weird to somebut it is how i like to think about it... i was due on Aug 7, 2008 and went in for my last check upon Aug 6, 2008. this is the day my lifechanged forever! i loved being pregnant.... i had the dream pregnancy where nothing went wrong and i felt great. i had wantedchildren my whole life and could not wait to finally have myvery own bundle of joy... on the sixth i went in to the doctors office feeling great and gotthe news that he could not find a heart beat...was sent to the hospital where two ultrasounds were done and was told there was nothing that could be done and that my labor had started already... i went through the labor knowing it was all for nothing and that i would never hear that first long awaited cry. my husbands mother and father as well as my own were with us and waited the entier time by our sides. we all got to hold my angel and me husbn and i spent a few hours holding our dead son... i was release the same day and went directly to pick out my babys urne...it has now been almost three months and i still cannot sleep well nore can i see to have any joy... we started trying for another child right away once the doctor said we could but today i found out for the second month that i am still not pregnant.... i am forever sad....
My 2 angelsI can't believe I'm here. Not because it's impossible but just because I think that I didn't think I could go through this again! I'm 36 yrs old and I lost my first son at 22 wks 6 yrs ago, due to pre-eclampsia. My husband at the time decided he never wanted children after that. Needless to say our relationship went down hill due to that and other things. So here I am 6 yrs later in a relationship with a very good man. On May 30th, 2008, I got the best news ever, I was pregnant! We had been dating about 7 months when I found out I was pregnant. Was not at all planned but I was excited. He was leery about his excitement since he and his ex had lost a baby about 5 yrs ago as well. I promised myself I wouldn't let that steal my joy, so I told everyone! My friends, family, co-workers, everyone knew that I was finally getting my biggest prayer...a baby! At our 12 wk ultrasound he finally went with me and saw the baby for the first time! The excitement hit him then...;o). He began to hope and dream of this baby just like I did. Pregnancy had its ups and downs. I had lots of unexplained spotting, morning sickness and lots of headaches. Thought 20 different times that I was losing this baby and every time he was alright! In Sept at my 19 wks scan I found out I was having a son! I was over the moon! I had wanted a boy so badly. I was finally going to have him! They told me that he was measuring a little small and that it appeared he had a club foot possibly (which couldn't be confirmed) but that my fluid looked good and that the baby had a good heart rate and seemed fine. My BF didn't want to know the sex of the baby so it was fun to have the little secret that he was having a son after all!
On Friday Oct 3rd 2008 I went for a routine 22 wk OB visit. The Dr asked me how I felt and I stated that I was tired but feeling pretty good. I also complained that the baby seemed quiet the day before and was it normal for them to have quiet days? He had moved around lunchtime but not again until I went to bed and I had yet to feel him that morning. She went on to assure me that was normal. Babies don't have moving patterns at 22 wks she stated. My BP was good, down drastically from all the prior months. It has been very high since the pregnancy started which always caused great concern to me. Dr's didn't seem to take it too seriously and always said I was too nervous. So the Dr was having a hard time getting my son's heartbeat with the Doppler. That didn't alarm me, she had never heard it with the Doppler up to this point anyway. I'm a plus size woman and I also had an anterior placenta I was told by a midwife at one of my prior appts. So she went to get the ultra sound machine and I waited. She brought a small one in and I saw my son but heard nothing. I still didn't get nervous. I knew he was fine. I started talking to him and asking him why he wasn't cooperating this morning. I was moved to a larger ultra sound office and another scan was done. I watched the monitor in silence as it began to hit me. My son was lying there but the flicker was not there of his heart and he wasn't playing and moving around like he normally did. I swallowed and asked if his heart was beating and got told the news that shook my whole world. "No sweetie, he has passed." Stunned is all I can use to sum up the feeling. I was then whisked away to an office to be told that I needed to be induced to deliver my second stillborn son! I called my bf and he immediately started to cry. He asked to come be with me and I advised him id be home shortly. I cried all the way home, no words could properly express the feeling that overcame me that morning. Devastation is all I can use to describe it. I went into the hospital that Saturday afternoon with my mother and bf with me. I was induced and my body wouldn't let go. I didn't deliver my son until Monday at 2:13pm, it was October 6th 2008.
Fast forward to today, it's been almost 4wks. I am healing physically very well. I could try again after one cycle but they recommend waiting at least 6 mos for you to emotionally heal. I don't know if I'm going to fully emotionally "heal" though. I do know that I will move on and more things will come in my life. I still pray that God blesses me with another baby and hopefully I can take him or her home to mother. But I don't think there will ever come a day when I wont mourn losing my sons internally. I'm asked daily how I am. I say I'm fine, or ok. Honestly I'm not ok or fine. I'm completely heart broken. I'm scared of losing another baby but anxious to try again. I couldn't replace either of them with another baby so it's not about the "replace" factor for me. I honestly wonder how a doctor can look any woman in the eye who is trying to have a baby and tell them to wait while emotionally healing! Are you kidding? You don't get over it, you find a way to move on. You know you can't replace your babies! You just understand in yourself that you truly want a child and you move on to make that happen. See pregnancy does things to you emotionally as well as physcially. You go from "oh wow I'm pregnant!".....to "oh wow I'm really pregnant!".....to "oh wow I can't wait to meet my baby!" That cycle happens at some point in the pregnancy to every one of us. You start to make plans and have hopes and dreams for this new person. You begin to wonder who they will look like or who they will act like and all this gets you more excited. You count weeks and spend countless hours online looking up pregnancy info and wondering if every ache and pain is normal or not? You wake up one day and look at your man and see that he is finally excited for this little one as you are! You start looking at and buying baby things, outfits, planning your own shower mentally and thinking of registering. You wait for your lovely belly to show and can't wait for the "pop" effect. You complain when your favorite jeans don't fit anymore but secretly love it! People treat you so nice since your carrying! Your entire world revolves around having this baby. Will I work or stay home? Will I breast feed or not? Which bottles or pampers will I use? Will I buy a red stroller or blue? Who will be God parents? How important is the crib now? What will I decorate the room with? So much goes into the preparation and the excitement of bringing this baby home. Then one day for some of us it all gets stopped. Some of us find out something is wrong and will cause a loss and some of us just find out something is lost. Either way, it just stops.
I'm still awaiting pathology reports to tell me what happened to my 2nd son. He was perfectly formed, no birth defects, not even a club foot. He looked like my bf and me and with each of our best features! From his cute little mouth to his beautiful little hands he was us. I am anxious for them to tell me what happened so that I can plan ahead. I am diabetic and also have hypertension that seems to go way worse when I'm pregnant. The combination of the two are not good in pregnancy when uncontrolled prior to pregnancy and during. I now have to find a good endocrinologist to manage both and a good OB/GYN. I have to say that I no longer trust big practices where you never see the same doctor or midwife. I feel that when you are high risk you need to be treated as high risk. Meaning, I can't be seen once a month like a normal pregnancy. I need more attention and better med management. I also will now always listen to myself! We know our bodies better than anyone! If something doesn't feel right then more times then none, it isn't right! I need a Dr that will listen to this and take it seriously. Women relax when we have a Dr who is truthfully on our side and understands what we have been through! No more will I tolerate being treated like patient # 20135 instead of a person.
I found this site and have been reading stories for days now. Ill be honest and say that I got to page 50 and words echoed over and over. All the same pain all the same joys. What we all share is this, whether we planned to get pregnant, ttc for years or had an unexpected pregnancy, we all at some point wanted these babies. We wanted them more than anything else. We wanted to become mommies for the first time or again and started this journey to motherhood. We watched our sister in laws, girlfriends or family members have babies around us and thought wow that's going to be me in some months. So whether you lost your baby at week 6, 22 or week 36 you lost something special. The farther you were of course the more time you had to bond and each day I bet you remember like it was yesterday that you felt the kick or roll and you would give anything to still be pregnant. We all share the joy of creating this being and the pain of losing this being. I wish no woman ever felt this pain. I wish we all got pregnant when we wanted and had babies when we wanted! I try hard not to question God, whether you believe in him or some other higher power you try not to question anything negative that happens in your life. It is oh so hard though. It's hard not to ask why me? It's hard not to want to be pregnant tomorrow. It's hard to get that failure feeling out of your head. Another woman who lost a baby told me that she wanted to be "normal" and not have the sympathy looks anymore. I so get that! Why isn't my body doing what it's supposed to be able to do?
So how do I deal with the anger and the pain? Pain is caused by a wound and it may not go away right away but it will hurt less. As days go by it will get easier to get out of bed, it will get easier to not cry everyday! The anger will fade as well. It will be strong for awhile but it will fade. We will forgive, ourselves, our doctors, our partners and our God and we will find peace. If any others are also diabetic and or have hypertension and are having losses due to that please contact me. I am very interested in hearing some success stories as well.
I will end this with a personal message to my sons.
I know you both look over me. I want you here with me though.
I know I'm your mommy but people wont always consider that because your not here with me.
I was shocked to find out about you both but I wanted you both more than anything.
Now you have each other to play with and laugh with and I know that one day I will get to be with you both.
If God should bless me with another baby, then I ask him to let them stay with me, but I ask for you both to watch over them. I miss you both, I love you both.
Our baby SethWe were so excited our family would be complete with the arrival of our 4 child in March. All looked good at our 8 week ultrasound Same with our 12 we midwife appointment. Heard the heartbeat everything was going good I was finally starting to have some enery back. The kids all knew and were so excited. Then everything went black. At my 16 week appointment the midwife couldn't find the babys' heartbeat, but she wasn't that worried she said that sometimes at 16 weeks they have more room to hida and if the placenta is out front they can't hear the heartbeat. I was fine with that and came home. The next night I couldn't sleep I kept thinking that there was something wrong. I was just starting to feel some "butterflies" a few weeks earlier and realized I hadn't felt anything the last couple days. I spent the hole night poking at my bully willing my baby to just move a little. NOTHING I call the office first thing the next morning and my midwife came over to the house she spent 10-15 minutes trying to find my babys heartbeat NOTHING I went to the hospital for an ultrasound that showed that my baby had died sometime that week. I was induced that night and had my beautiful baby boy at 1:00 in the morning. Saturday Oct. 18 I will never forget that day. Now I'm living in a fog. So days barely able to get my older 2 off to school. My poor 2 1/2 year old was so good that first week he would climb on to my lap and just sit there while I cried. I thank god that I have him here with me. I'm gettint thru most days now with only a few tears. Time will heal I know it will. But GOD it hurts.
my lossi am 32. i conceived through artificial insemination, at first try. my husband and i were exctatic. we told our family and friends as soon as we found out, which was not a plan but we just couldn't help it. i felt great. at 5 weeks i had light bleeding and rushed to my doctor's office. i had an ultrasound which showed that the pregnancy was in the righ place (not ectopic) but there was no heartbeat. however, i was told it was probably because it was too early. i was diagnosed with subchorionic hematoma, which is basically a bleeding on the uterine wall, at this point a bruise and i was told that if it heals properly it sould have no effect on the pregnancy. i was given time off work and i was put on bedrest to help the bruise heal. i was a little worried but i had another ultrasound the following week, and this time the heart was beating strong and everthing looked great. as a precaution i spent another week resting and i was feeling great. i was to be followed with ultrasounds weekly to monitor the hematoma. following week, the heamtoma was decresing but the heartbeat was a little slowbut again i was told not too worry, probably everything was ok. i did worry, but i kept feeling great and more and more pregnant, so that put my mind at ease. the next week the heartbeat was 154 bpm, and the hematoma was practically gone. i was getting more confident that everything will be ok, i was almost 9 weeks. i could make out the babie's shape on the ultrasound, i thought it was beautifull, my little baby! i felt amazing the whole week. at the next ultrasound i first asked about the hematoma, and the technician said it's practically gone. and then she kept looking and looking at the monitor and after about 5 moinutes she said she needs to ask for help from more experienced college. the second technician came in and after few minutes of looking at all angles she said she cannot find the hearbit, and that she's very sorry but the baby died probably few days ago. i felt devastated, and couldn't understatnd how is it possible that i haven't felt a thing, that everything felt right. i had d&c about an hour later. at first i was very upset that we told so many people so early about the pregnancy, and i thought that if i ever get pregnant again i won't tall anyone untill the baby is out and healthy, but then as we kept telling people about our loss, i started to feel better because we received a lot of wormth and support and found out that many of our friends who now how beautiful and healthy babies went through this before. it really gives me hope, that we will be able to have a healthy baby ourselves. i haven't talked to my doctor yet, since the procedure so i don't know how long he will advise us to wait before we try again, but i hope he'll say we can try very soon. being pregnant felt amazing, even thought i had a lot of anxiety and fears about having a baby before we got pregnant. (i wanted to for a while, i just wasn't sure if it was right moment yet) but when i actually did get pregnant it felt just right, so at least now i know i am ready. i feel very sad and empty and angry but at the same time i do have hope that we will be parents of a healthy baby soon. i wish you all good luck, in your healing process after your loss and in your future pregnancies.
My first babyI've known my boyfriend, Richard, since we were in 5th grade. I remember the very first thing he said to me. I remember where we first met. I'm 19 now, and I work as a hostess at a restaurant. I make $7 an hour and there is no way I could support myself, let alone my baby. My dad broke his back and isn't working and my mom quit her job so she could stay home and take care of him, so I couldn't get much help from my parents either.
I was only a few months along, and I hadn't told anyone. Finally one night me and Richard were chatting about something completely irrelevant and we got to a lull in the conversation. I looked at him and simply said 'I think I'm pregnant.' We were both terrified, there's no way we were ready for this. But I was so happy too. I think she would have been a little girl.
She would have had olive skin like her daddy and blue eyes like her mommy. She would have driven me insane when she became a teenager, exactly like I did to my parents. But she would have grown up to be a beautiful and smart young lady.
But instead of bringing this wonderful baby into the world, I started bleeding one day. I didn't understand what was going on, because I didn't think it would happen. I knew I couldn't possibly give her the life I wanted to, but I didn't want this to happen.
I lost my little Delial.
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